I need more help about how to deal with this?

Question

yesterday i posted a question about me dating again. my gf died a year ago, and right before she died our baby girl was born. recently my dad and one of my friends decided to make me believe that my mom died when i was born, and that my mom was my step mom. when they told me they made it up i thought it was really rude cuz my gf died when our daughter was born, and now she will never know her mom. i want to start dating again, but i don't want my daughter to call anyone i date mom. she 1 so she will not understand for some time. now that i realize that she needs a mom i want someone who can do things with her like what moms do with there kids. how can i find someone that can do things like that with her that she will not call mom?

Answer 1

first, your daughter needs her dad. second, you are still grieving. Slow down, don't worry about the future you have today. One day you will meet a woman who you will love and at that time you, her and your daughter will do what feels right and natural

Answer 2

If you decide to start dating again, don't introduce the girlfriend to your daughter until you are serious, a less chance of being confused. Then when you are serious, just 'introduce' her by her name, and maybe show pictures to your daughter of her real mom?

I hope this helped :) I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm glad you have your daughter to remember her :)

Answer 3

She will probably follow your lead, for example if you date a woman called Mary and keep referring to her as Mary to your daughter that's what she will probably call her. Kids only learn 'mom' at an early age because people say that around them 'Go to mom', 'Ask mom' etc. When she gets a little older though and sees other children calling the 'main' woman in their life 'mom' it might get a bit confusing and you'll have to try to explain it to her as clearly and sensitively as possible. But if you meet someone wonderful it might be the kindest thing to let your daughter feel like she has a mom and to allow her to be like a regular kid. You can always talk about her mother and keep her in your child's life that way. It would not be disrespectful to your late girlfriend's memory. I'm sure she'd want her daughter to be as happy and secure as possible. I'm sorry for your loss. Good luck!  

Answer 4

You have plenty of time to work out the details of the future.  I have seen this from both ways  I was raised by my dad with no females except my aunts who I am very close to even still as an adult.  I had my first child at 20 and her dad was not around, I met and married aaroundhe time she was 2 and it has been wonderful and very natural.  I am sure you will find someone to spend the rest of your life with and have more children and your daughter will be able to roll with it.  It seems like you are going through a tough time right now, it will all work out the way it is supposed to.  

Answer 5

I am very sorry for your lose but I think you should reconsider. It sounds like you are still very hurt by your loss but please realize what you are asking your daughter to give up. She lost the mom who gave birth to her and now you are saying she can't have the mom who gives love to her. Asking your sister to double as mom and aunt is not fair to her either. Asking a woman to take on the role of mom without the rewards of the child throwing their arms around her and saying " I love you, mom" is not fair either. I am sorry but I see a very sad man who is not ready to move on and is holding his daughter back with him. My dad married my "mom" when I was 2 and I am very thankful for that wonderful gift of his love. My dad is passed on now but I still have my Mom. I will pray for you both. God bless!

Answer 6

Your sister sounds like an excellent suggestion.  A grandmother would also work.  However, please understand that these people would be almost more like a babysitter, and not a mother.  

Speaking as a mother, I relish the times I can tuck my daughter into bed at night, read stories to her, give her quiet hugs in front of the TV...  If and when you find a new/right partner, you will probably find her doing these things with your child.  If you decide to spend the rest of your lives together (you might say 'no' now, but time heals), you might even find that she would like to be called 'mom', and that your daughter wants to call her 'mom'.

I was lucky to have had a certain conversation with my husband several years ago.  If one of us was to predecease the other, would we want to get remarried, would we want the spouse to get remarried, etc.  We also discussed what if we were in a horrible accident and were a changed person as a result.  We both decided that it would be ok for the other to date and eventually remarry - that it was our happiness that mattered.

My husband had a stroke in 2005, when I was five months pregnant with our daughter.  He is a changed person as a result, and that conversation of ours has come to mind on occasion.

I would hope that your girlfriend would see it in her heart to want what is best for both you and your daughter.  I would hope that she would understand, if you were to find the 'right' person, that you would allow your daughter to call her 'mom'.  And I would hope that she would be unselfish enough to allow a new happiness into both of your lives.  When your daughter is old enough, you can tell her about the wonderful person her mother was.  But I don't think that you would be dishonoring her memory by allowing a new partner into the relationship.  Instead, I would see it as honoring her memory by providing for the happiness of the life she brought into this world.