I need opinions/advice on situation with my young son and his father. help! ?

Question

I found out I was pregnant when I was 16 and delivered my son when I was 17. He is now 2 1/2 years old. His father and I were together 8 months before I got pregnant, but by together I mean your typical high school relationship. When I was 8 months pregnant we got our own place together. Soon after my son was born reality slapped me in the face and I realized that I could not be with his father. We broke up when my son was 4 months old.

To give some back ground on my son's father... he is now 21 years old. He's from what most people would call a "ghetto" area. Overall he's pretty stereotypical but he doesn't deal drugs or own a gun... nothing that serious. Its just more about his attitude and his views on life. He is a good person but does not have his priorities straight. One thing that makes it really difficult is that where he is from it is all too common for guys to have babies and not take care of them. His family doesn't even get on to him for not being all he should be to our son, but yet his family act like they adore our son...? My family is 100% opposite.

So he paid me child support for about the first 4 months after we broke up ( until my son was about 8 months old ) then he stopped working and decided to go to a university in another state. We both lived in Florida so its not like he didn't have options where his son was, he literally chose to go to a different state.

I graduated high school one year ago and sense then I have completed my first year of college, held down a job, and raised our son. He says he can't work because its too much to handle with school. I get really angry with him and tell him how I feel about things. He always says he wants to do be better, and be a better father but nothing ever changes.

About a year ago I met an amazing guy. He is pretty much the complete opposite of my sons father. He works a minimum of 50 hours a week and is very intelligent. About 2 or 3 months into our relationship he started getting really close to my son. When I had class or something to do early in the morning he would offer to take my son to daycare for me. Or if I had to study a lot at night I would go to get my sons bath water running he would come in the bathroom and be like let me get that, you need time to study. I could name many more... but basically he's just an awesome person. We decided to get married a month ago. My son has been around him everyday for the past year, and on average he has seen his father once every month or two. He can differentiate his biological father and my husband.

My question is what is your opinion... my son sometimes refers to my husband as daddy. What should I tell him about his father? Should I just let him have 2 dads? or should I make sure that he understands my husband is not his father?

any advice/opinions would be appreciated.

Answer 1

I would discuss this with your son's father.  Let him know that your son is calling your husband, "Daddy"  If he doesn't seem to care and still doesn't want to step up to the plate, I would just continue letting your son call your husband Daddy.  

Answer 2

Let your son decide for himself what he want to make of his real dad and his step dad!  If he wants to call his step dad "daddy" then that should tell you he is already forming his own feeling and thoughts,  about the 2 of them!  When he gets a little older then you can discuss the whole thing with him, right now you'll only confuse him, and as long as he's happy just let him be happy!!!  Your ex is not around doing nothing to make any difference in his life and thats on him, not you!  If he doesn't want to get a job, see him often as he should, then thats his fault!  You have a good husband, a son to think about, don't worry about your ex and your sons relationship your ex isn't worried about it so I wouldn't either!  Hes got a good step dad right in front of him so don't worry about it and just be happy and let your son be happy!  As time goes on your son will relize who was there for him and who wasn't,  and he'll know who does love him!  

Answer 3

All "fathers" aren't "Daddies" and all "Daddies" aren't "fathers", your son knows his heart, what else would you expect from a child, who is in and around a "man" who is not only there for him but for his Mother.  Don't make too much out of this, when questions are asked, then you answer them, but until then if he can "color this man Father/Daddy", then let him.   You are Blessed.   God Bless.

Answer 4

i think u should concetrate on your life now rather than refering always on the other guy

let your son grow up and when he reaches an age where buy he can understands then you tell him and explain the whole issue

another thing being a father its not about making babies,it extends more than that,and it seems your husband is satisfying the challenhes to become a father,something that the biological father of your son never archived,

in short : telling your son that your husband is not his father would be, in a way, not giving your husband the credit he deserves

Answer 5

I think that when the child starts asking questions about which one is his father, then you can start straightening him out.

I think the relationship with the new man is more 'Daddy' than with the biological father, if you know what I mean.

You're lucky that you found someone else to take both of you on.  

Answer 6

Let him call you husband Daddy. He obviously feels more comforted around him and calling him Daddy. Make sure he understands that his father is still his father, but don't force him to call him daddy or call you husband anything other than Daddy. Children seem to have a good idea as to what's going on, more than most adults think.

I think you should let your son choose, but also let him know what's going on.

Answer 7

you should forget the son's father you seem to be doing a great job on your own with your family behind you.

if he doesn't want to play a more active part in his son's life then that is his lose as the early years are the most precious

Answer 8

I'm 15. So I only can give you advice from a child's point of view. It's better if you know who your biological father is and who not. First it doesn't really matter to you, because there is dad no1 and dad no2. After a while you get torn up inside. Too many feelings. Which dad is more important to me? Whom do I love more? Talk to your son and get this straight with him, that your husband is not his biological/ father. Explain to him, that his father lives somewhere else and that during the time his father is not with him your husband takes care of him. It doesn't matter if  your son calls your husband by his first name and his father daddy, but it is important that your son knows the difference between them and that they both love him. From personal experience I know how it feels to be torn up inside, there is a point where you don't know where you belong to. Both guys are dads for him, but there will always remain a difference between

biological father: the guy who has the same genes as I have

and

daddy: the guy who is there for me when I need him

           a life companion

           a best friend

... .... ...

and so  on.

hope I could help.