I need serious advice....?

Question

so, i'm almost 20 and i've been married to my 22-year-old husband for two years now. we've been together for 3 years. we have a 10-month-old baby girl together, and we love each other very much. however, when i was pregnant, he did some things to me that pretty much murdered my self-esteem (was addicted to p**n). when i had the baby, i got back in shape in no time flat, but he never lost the 40lbs he gained. i got my confidence back, but then i kind of got a big head about myself and felt like i was too good for him. i guess i'm still stuck there, and it's been almost a year now. i can't have s*x with him at all. we've maybe done the deed like a total of 8-10 times this year, and pretty much every time sucked. i cried after a couple of times. i just can't do it. it feels wrong. it's not just his physical condition that gets to me, it's something emotional that i just can't seem to grasp. we get along like best friends, but this is killing him. he's starting to feel ugly and unattractive... and he thinks i'm cheating on him. :/ we are also currently living with my mom, who can't stand how slobbish he is and thinks we need to separate. he just called me to tell me that he's moving in with his mom and doesn't think we should be together anymore... keep in mind his mom hates me too, and i'm pretty sure that she told him we should split.

can somebody help? i am setting up a counseling appointment this week...

Answer 1

Consider why you married him. Were your reasons superficial? Was it sexual? If you got married for a bum reason then your marriage will probably end. Marriage is more than s*x and babies.

Answer 2

Hi,

First thing that cam to mind was having God in the relationship. Next was the Innocent child you guys had together. A child is a bond that is forever no matter what happens between you two.

You said it was not his physical condition that gets to you, but its something you cannot grasp. How you thought maybe its his health? I had thyroid problems and gained 100lbs. in 6 months and it seemed I could drink a glass of water and gain weight. Having health problems such as a thyroid changes a persons emotions. So maybe a check up by a doctor is due.

You love this man since you have a child together so for your little family find God !! Simply ask God to come into your lives and then watch things change. Do it for your child. Ask God to help...........  

Answer 3

well , seeing a counselor sounds like a good start. what is so disastrous about two people growning apart? i think we have a myth that children need the same two parents during childhood. there is nothing that suggests that is really true. i think the important thing that a child needs to learn is that it is loved and supported--whether this is from a single parent, two parents or an extended family. recent studies coming out of iceland show that non-traditional families can produce happy people.

i would be more concerned that you feel that your respective mothers intensely dislike each of you. wow, now that is messed up. i would be more concerned that this mean-spirited view would be passed down to another generation. you can't help your mother hating him, but why do you have to take the same approach. obviously, you share with your mother certain standards but that does not mean that you have to hate someone who does not.

maybe it's just time to move on. i hope you can do it gracefully rather than with bitterness.

good luck

Answer 4

you definitely need to try counseling....and try to get the spark back in the marriage

Answer 5

first, looking at p**n sites while you were pregnant isn't abnormal nor ultrageously wrong, he has his needs too. So please forgive him for doing that, I know being a woman it hurts to know that your man is attracted to other women's body but they are men. So forget that.

second, he is overweight and didn't seem to want to lose any. My question is, what made him eat himself to such a state? was he feeling lonely? was he not satisfied in some way? was he unhappy with your response?? was he well taken care of? we tend to eat more when we are not happy, was he under pressure because of the newcomer? Overweight is not a big deal, sis. It's more of a health issue, not something that you can't fix. If you love him, love him whether he is overweight or not.

third, your s*x problem is a consequence of your emotional detachment of him. You kept reinforcing yourself that he is not that good and he wronged you by visiting websites etc. So this is something you have to change first, not him. May be he was made to feel inferior that he didn't want to have s*x with you? and he was hiding himself away from you?

His mother shouldn't be in this scene at all. Talk to your man openly and maturely, I think he wants to sort things out too. The priority is not to get him lose weight but to help him regain confidence in himself from you. You have a very important role to play here.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I was just going to say: marriage counseling.  I'm glad you've made an appointment.

Obviously you want to save your marriage, and he has some things he needs to work on too.  Even though things are stressful right now, try and hold out and see if it's just a "rough patch."  All marriages go through them at some point.

You guys sound invested in each other, and if you both want to, you'll make it through.  Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

Sorry Toots, I gotz no idea but i'm really sorry.  

Answer 8

No one is perfect. I am sure you have something he cant stand about you also. Just tell him to pick up after himself more. just keep telling him that no matter what but dont yell.

you both need help lol!

Answer 9

My husband is 40 lbs overweight too but he's a wonderful man who adores me, loves my children, is my best friend and a great lover.

These are traits I'm not willing to sacrifice for 40 lousy pounds.

My late grandmother used to tell me beauty is only skin deep and pretty is as pretty does.

Consider having a georgeous, muscled up man that beats you, cheats on you, spends household money going out with the guys and is an absentee father to your child.  Now how attractive is your husband?

I lived through two miserable marriages with guys like above and learned that "looks" aren't near as s**y as character.

Count your blessings girl, and not your husband's weight.  

Love him for who he is and he might just feel like going to the gym to buff himself up for a lady that values his inner self over what's on the outside.

Encourage him that you are going through some stuff and the problem is you not him.  

Your'e wise to seek counseling.

Benjamin Franklin once said:  "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."