I need some advice, I am not in love with my sons father anymore and I can't get him to let go of us. Help?

Question

We have been together for seven years, I met him when I was 17, he was 30. He was really bad into drugs for years and still relapses occasionally but he has straightened out drastically over the years in that department, he used to be abusive, verbally and physically but that too has stopped since I left him last time...however, I can't make myself fall back in love with him, and believe me I have tried for years. I have told him that I love him, because I do, he is like my best friend but that I am not in love with him and I don't know how much longer I can live like this....he wont leave or let me leave...I've tried. He followed me, called me constantly, told me that it was my fault and that I was breaking up his family, that it would be my fault that he wasnt with his son. I recently moved back home to PA from fl where we were for 7 years, I had no one there, I was stuck it felt like. He hates it here, in the 6 months that we've lived here, he's been in Florida for like 3 months, because he cant find work here, but he hasnt even put in an application. We aren't intimate, havent been in over a year, I cringe and pull away every time he touches me, last time we had s*x, I burst into tears, I cant take it., my heart hurts but I dont want to be miserable forever. I try to leave and he tells me he'll do anything to fix it but it won't work and he doesnt really ever change. He told me when I told him that I didnt love him that he could deal with that as long as I didnt leave him, because of his son. I dont want to be the reason that they dont talk, he says because I live in PA and he'd have to go back to florida that he'd never see our son and that blame would be on me, then he tells me he has nowhere to go, that he loves me even though I know he doesnt, he stays because of our son. He tells me he can't live without us, he constantly calls. What do I do? I just want us to move on, find happiness and people that really love us, like we deserve to be loved. I'm tired of crying, and feeling bad and hurting because I am so unhappy but maybe I should just stick it out, My gram always said, you made your bed, now lie in it....If I stick it out, I wont be hurting our son or him, just me.

Answer 1

Nohoho. That last statement you made about only hurting yourself if you stick it out is so, so,wrong.

Of course you will hurt your son, because he will then have to live with a sad bitter mother if you stay with this man.

Of course you will be hurting your son's father as well because he will never be able to move on as long as he thinks he has a chance with you.

Some guys find it hard to know when it's over & it's time to leave. Some get the message after the cops get called a few times. Some don't get the message until after they have had to spend a couple of nights in jail. Others will NEVER get the message, even after they end up with a prison sentence for stalking.

I don't know where your guy is on the guy-just-doesn't-get-it scale, but I do know one thing for sure. You have to start sending clearer messages. Saying it's over, & then letting him move back in with you goes a long way towards giving him a glimmer of hope that he still has a chance of salvaging the relationship.

Wouldn't it be better to start telling him he can have access to his son, but the relationship with you as man & wife is OVER?

Let him go back to Fla. That's his choice, & anything he says about it being your fault is just a cheap form of manipulation.

Also tell your Gram that every bed gets replaced when it gets worn out.

Answer 2

First off...he took advantage of your young years.  No normal 30 year old would be with a 17 year old.  It sounds like he has and still is abusing you.  Mentally messing with you.  Tell him it is over.  It would not be your fault if he doesn't see your son.  Would that be such a bad thing?  But...be aware...he will probably put up a fight.  I stayed in a relationship that was messed up for many years because I didn't want my son to suffer.  Well...I finally woke up and realized that he was already suffering...and he now is not.  Grandma is old school...no offence.  It is your life and your son's.  You want him to grow up in a happy household not a sad one.  My boyfriend grew up in a household where his parents didn't get along and his dad was always gone and his mom was sooo sad that he wished his mom would just get a divorce.  Maybe check into your community, there might be a support group for you with tips.  

Answer 3

it's never healthy to stay in a relationship that you're unhappy being in and while it may not "harm" your son, i do think that he will pick up on your feelings eventually and that's not good either. i've been in your situation [mine was worse though] and the best thing to do is to get out of it. don't let him guilt you into sticking around, it's a weak move on his part to use your son to keep you around in the first place. be strong, and good luck sweetheart.

Answer 4

In taking actions be really firm about it. If his reason is about his son, son, son! My god that is baloney. If indeed he cares for his son. he tried to fix his life before that. if he blames you. Don't bother to be guilty about it coz he will blame you whatever is your decision. He is a loser.

Answer 5

17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30  

holy cow 14 years apart     you need to get rid of him!!!!

Answer 6

Where ever he lives he must support his child.

You however, do not need to stay with someone you no longer love.

Seek a support group in your area, read some very well written books about separation and divorce, their effects on children, you can get them from the public library.

What he says and what he does is his problem- not yours.

You can only deal with yourself- make your decisions  and live life one day at a time.

Answer 7

Girl, love comes and goes - he's THEIR FATHER and THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN THEIR LIFE!!!

Do you want them from going to seeing him every day, living with him, to once or twice a week???   THAT IS GOING TO HURT THEM!!!!

Wait until the kids are 18 then get out, if you want.  STAY FOR THE KIDS!!!