I need some advice, from a Mum?

Question

I wish I could write only a small piece here but it's a slightly long story. Ok... my Mum died in November last year, very suddenly, leaving behind myself (21) my sister (24) and my Dad (52). Very soon after she passed, I took on the roles of my Mum, cooking cleaning washing ironing etc, mainly because I knew my Dad and sister wouldn't have a clue what to do. Soon after my college work was failing and I told my Dad I needed some more help, so my sister then took care of the washing and ironing, I still do cooking cleaning shopping pay bills etc. So all was well then my sister moved out, and I done all of my own things, and my Dad's when need be. I got on very well, my house was always clean, washing always up to date etc, and I enjoyed that but hated living alone. I then got a puppy whom I adore and my sister moved home so we decided to share the responsibilities with both the dog and the house. The thing is that now my sister keeps on about how little I do around the house and I am lazy and all this, what she doesn't realise is that she wouldn't eat if it weren't for me, she probably wouldn't have her car, and most certainly wouldn't have a roof over her head as for a long time we had trouble paying bills after Mum's death and I was the one who took care of it. I wish my family could see and appreciate what I do for them, I hardly have any nights out because I have people and a house to look after yet I took a night 'off' last night and went out, and because I havn't gotten dressed my sister thinks I'm lazy, even although I have done the dishes, looked after the puppy, cleaned, and prepared and cooked tea, she has worked for 2 hours and walked the dog so she thinks she has done more, I need some motherly advice... my Mum was the only person my family ever listened to and I desperatly need to say something to make them change, and realise just how much I do, my Dad isn't here just now but doesn't really give a d**n anyway, he's too interested in his new girlfriend.. sorry to have gone on so much but it just upsets me so much so that my hair has stopped growing and is about 15% grey... I need some good advice please x

Answer 1

You are taking on far too much responsibility in the house.  It sounds like your father needs to step up to the plate and take back his responsibilities.  It is very admirable that you helped so much and continue to do so.  But you also have a life that you are missing out on because you are taking care of your family.  Consider getting your own place for a while so that you can focus on taking care of yourself and the other members of your family can learn to take care of themselves as well.  Good luck to you.

Answer 2

I think you need to tell your sister to get her own place and stand on her own two feet. You've been there for her and done all you can but she cannot expect you not to have a life now. You had to grow up quick when your mum died (sorry to hear that) but that doesn't mean that your sister should take advantage of you and call you lazy. She's 24 and needs to do her own thing. Sorry to sound harsh x

Answer 3

hi i,m sorry a bout your mom just lost my daughter after mothers day

first it was nice of you wanting to help your dad and sister

but you have your own life to think a bout now . your sister does what she wants so does your dad so way not you huh. you can do too things move out is one

the other just do your part around the house . you don,t have to be the one that has to do the that makes sure the bills are payed this your dads job and you don,t have to cooking every day  or the cleaning so forth your sister is a grown woman

if she don,t to help so be it  if you want to help dad some fine but your sister can do for her self  don,t feel guilty  be sides what would your mom if she was there .she wouldn,t want you to give  up every thing .she would want you to go on with your life  wouldn,t she   . stand up for your self  

Answer 4

Being a mother is a thankless task and unfortunately you do not even have the benefit of seeing your "child" grow up. I suggest you  move out of the house and make your own life. Your father's new girlfriend can take over the cleaning of the house and see how long that will last. The dog is a bit of a problem. I wonder why your sister moved back in: maybe after some time on her own she realised it was cheaper to stay at home and have someone else skivvy for her. Sorry to sound so negative.

Answer 5

oh honey.. some people just suk..

she & your dad have probably just got use to you doing everything.. & good on you for taking it so much on..  You do know you are allowed to have a life for yourself dont you?

dont be so hard on your self.. YOU  dont have a house & bills to take care of you all do..

maybe its time to move out on your own & look after yourself for a change  instead of everybody else

Answer 6

you are young and need to live a life for u also. Your family is being selfish big time. I am a mom though my kids are younger but i too lost my mom at 55 I needed her too! But faimly did fall apart on my end after she passed.I dispised my sisters for their stupid way of thinking and how they only looked out for self.But i learned to stop doing everything and worrying about everyone! Do your share and then let them pick up the rest don't enable them to just do nothing.Tough Love! you can't do everything u know that go have fun without guilt u deserve it and tell your faimly to either reconize or ur done with it! Your going to be ok really! And stop thinking so had about it all relax!

Answer 7

As your dad isn't at home a lot perhaps you should suggest to your sister that you both look after yourselves and have a rota for doing the cleaning of the house.  You both do your own cooking, washing, ironing, bedrooms but agree who will do the cleaning of say the living room and bathrooms.  As you bought the puppy say that you are happy to take responsibility for it, unless she wants to take him for a walk but it is up to her and she should not try to get out of the housework just because she has taken the dog for a walk.

Alternatively see if you can find a place of your own.  Although it will be lonely at least you will only have your own mess to worry about.  I think you have done really well so don't let your sister and dad get you down.

Answer 8

move out and leave that selfish lot to their own devices.

Answer 9

three adults live in a house, all three work/attend school and have their right to a social life and friends and free time. I'm so sorry this has happened to your family. I know you want to do the right thing by your mum and look after everyone, but remember, your mum loved you and did these things for you because she wanted you to be happy and suceed in life. she would to hate to think of you being unhappy now. you have a much right to have a life as your dad and your sister. You need to put up a rota of cleaning duties and chores, that are split equally and fairly, not you doing the lions share, or daily arguments about what each of you have done on a separate day. you all have the right to laze about in your pj's and do nothing once in a while. It sounds to me that you are overstretched and you know it. From now on, do a third of what needs done in the house, nothing more, nothing less. If a rota's up and something needs done, you can simply say, 'Ive done all my chores today, Im going out with my mates. You do not have to look after a house or your dad and sister. You are a daughter and a sister. Not a mother. If, shudder at the thought, i was to pass before my children I would be heartbroken if one of them wasnt given the care and support and opportunity to do what they wanted to do, because they had to fulfill my role. When will it end, are you going to live at home and take care of your dad for ever? What about marriage and kids? Im sorry, Im not being mean, just trying to play devils advocate. At the age you and your sister are, you should have had a family dynamic that meant everyone pitched in anyway. Time to teach that dad of yours how to load the dishwasher, lol. You are important too, don't forget that. You should draw up a rota, get them to help, and just say it's to stop the arguments between you because you don't want to argue with them. And split the bills in three, if your sister cant afford to live their, then tough, she needs a new job. ((HUgs))

Answer 10

You have done so well helping them to get over your mums sudden death now it is your turn can you go anywhere for a few weeks and have a break as others have said they will realise when you are not there to do things for them , It will do you good as well you have probably been to busy looking after them you have not had your chance to grieve your mothers death . Any mothers on here will know how you feel keeping a family together is hard and you have done it on your own well done but have some you time now good luck to you don't forget you have lots of friends and support on here when ever you need it

Answer 11

It seems to me that your sister is not coming to terms with the loss of your mother very well, and having moved out of the family home she has now had to move back in.I think she is putting you down in order to make herself feel better. it is tragic to lose your mother so early in life in you seem to be doing a fantastic job. As far as your family appreciating you goes, in time they will but at the moment everyone will only be able to see anything as far as it affects them. Grief affects everyone very differently some get busy to hide the pain as I think you have done and your sister is probably a bit jealous of your coping abilities.Sweetie the house will be there long after you all, so forget the housework for a while, throw your arms round your sister and let her know how much you need each other especially if your dad can,t be there for you right now.I lost my mum 22 yrs ago at about your sisters age, it takes time patience and a lot of love but it gets easier with time

Answer 12

People never notice the things you do until you don't do them. Try and get away for a few days maybe you can visit relatives or a friend they will see how much you do for them. I'm a mum and my hubby occasionally calls me lazy and I pointed out that it wasn't the washing fairy that puts his clean socks in the draw and that if i went on strike he wouldn't last a week.

Answer 13

First of all you are all grieving for your mum, each in your own way, even if it doesn't look like that, the process takes around two years before you have acceptance.

It sounds as though your way of dealing with things was to take over from her, keep the house nice and look after the family just as your mum had done, and now you're being taken for granted.

Maybe you can get the family together and work out a fair division of jobs. Tell your dad and sister that it's going to be difficult to take over all the stuff your mum did, but that you all have to work together to keep the family and the home going, for all your sakes. After all, your sister is older, and should take the lead.

A few days away and a chance to recharge your batteries and have some time for yourself would be a good idea. Is there anyone you could visit, or anywhere you can go, just for a short breather?

Answer 14

I'm sorry that you lost your Mum. It sounds like you've done an amazing job holding your family together, even though it was a truly difficult time. I know, I lost my Dad and you can hardly find the energy to move for a few months. So, as a Mum here, you've done so well and your own Mum would be very very proud of you.

Here's a simple solution for you. People just aren't listening to you. I could just smack them for you. Write a list for 2 days of everything that you do and all of the bills you've paid.  They'll be stunned. Stick it on the fridge as a reminder also. Every time your Sis fires up, point it out to her. With your Father, I think he's dealing with things by hiding. If you have to, tell him unless he chips in- you quit. And mean it.

Hugs from a Mum.

Answer 15

ignore your sister why care what she thinks, you are all adults so should just do your own thing and dont expect thanks from everyone, some people are just inconsiderate, ungrateful or they did appreciate it but dont feel the need to tell you, if you know that you done your best then thats enough

Answer 16

Move Out!! All three of you are adults, unless one of you is disabled in some way, I don't understand why you would be taking care all of the adult responsibilities. Move out and let them appreciate you when your gone.