I need some advice PLEASE..?

Question

This is my 1st week homeschooling my 6 yr old twin boys. They have been doing well overall. I am SO HAPPY to homeschool.

My Husband seems to be the problem and is causing stress. He was the one who suggested homeschooling our children.

We have always practiced attachment parenting and up until age 4 they slept in our bed. Now they sleep in their own bed but a few times a week they come into our bed or (tonight) my son cried and cried because he wanted me to lay with him.

My husband has been a BEAR and said that they just need to go to bed and not be so attached to me. He said that it is "unhealthy" and they if this continues then they will grow up to be "weird and stuff".

They have undergone a lot of changes this past summer..... we moved..... my Mom (who has always lived with us) got married and moved out 2 weeks ago. We are homeschooling... it is A LOT of change and I think that is a lot of it.

My Boys are very sensitive and sweet and I just don't know what to do.

Answer 1

well for one thing he is right 4 years old come now quit making excuses to keep them little put them in there beds ands that's is wear they sleep and crying hey they now how to pull your chain better listen to your husband and quit the babine

Answer 2

I am glad you are happy homeschooling.. I think it is a good thing and can be very beneficial. I really dislike those that love to claim to be giving advise by criticizing homeschoolers... as if that counselor had never seen a reticent and withdrawn public schooler?  And what does socialization have to do with attached parenting and the parent's bed anyway???

I  do think that your husband is right (at some level)... it is probably time to move them to their own beds permanently. Since it takes two of you to parent, his opinion does count and you won't have long term effects on moving them to their own room.  It might take a couple of weeks but consistency is just as important.

Parents have a right to privacy too and this might be an issue with your husband.  Attached parenting still allows for meeting the needs of the parents so they don't burn out.   (In our household, the master bedroom is off limits to all children, day or night without specific permission.)

It is probably time to discuss this openly with your husband AND your children.  Let them understand what both of you expect (you must support each other on that even if it isn't totally your choice) and that it isn't because you don't love them, but that parents and children need time alone. If they need you or your husband to be there for a while at bedtime, you go to their room, not the other way around.  Let them know that you can stay for a set period of time.. tell them a story or rub his back to get him relaxed. Meet his needs and then let him handle it past that point.  You might have a couple of nights (or even weeks if he is persistent) of crying.. change sometimes it tough, but children can handle it.  I am thrilled your children are sensitive and sweet.. just don't let sweetness become manipulation. If you and your husband set rules, they need to follow them even if they don't like it. Consistency is the key or it will last longer.

I understand that they have been through a large amount of change, but sometimes you cannot control change (like your mother moving out) but you still need to go on.. let your boys understand that it doesn't change your love for them and that sleeping arrangements are not a reflection of your love.

Best wishes in your situation.

Answer 3

i would stick to homeschooling because your children would have a better advantage at school, but put them in 8th grade, because to go in high school, you need a participation in school.

as for the sleeping,

i think it's very sweet :)

but, at that rate, they'll want to be together while they get older.

Answer 4

I don't understand why people choose homeschooling.

Going to school teaches our children how to interact with others, personal skills not just academic. If you think your children would benefit from one-to-one do this AFTER school. I think it's very important for kids to be around other kids. I think you do need to cut the apron strings a little and let them start flapping their wings a little or else your husband may be proved right in the future.

Answer 5

I agree with your husband.Children of that age should not be sleeping with their parents.A child who cries is not neccessarily unwell. He is just testing your boundaries.Your an adult sleeping with an adult.It is quite unhealthy for your sons to be in your bed.You say they are sensitive and sweet.The problem is-you need to socialise them, by  mixing with other children. In my capacity as a Counsellor I have found that many home-schooled children become reticent and withdrawn. Not used to integrating.Are you sure Home Schooling is the best?

Answer 6

Be a wife to your husband tonight and let him know how much you adore him and how blessed you are to have him for a husband.  Sometimes men just feel left out of their wives lives.  They need to have their egos stroked.  See if a few days of just blessing your husband and adoring him in word and action will help his mood improve.

Answer 7

My 5 year old son used to be the same way. From day one, we had always put him to bed in his own crib/bed to sleep, and he would go to sleep ok, but at some point in the middle of the night, he would always wake up and come get in our bed to go back to sleep. At one point, it really started bothering my husband, so we talked about it and came to an agreement that none of the kids needed to be in our bed anymore. Then we sat down with the kids and explained to all of them (that way we weren't just singling out our son - the rule was for everyone) that the only people that were allowed to sleep in Mommy & Daddy's bed were Mommy & Daddy. If they had a bad dream or wet the bed or something, they were welcome to come get me, and I would help them in whatever way I could, but then they could either go back to their own beds or they could sleep on the couch, but they were not allowed to sleep in our bed because we felt they were too big for this. Amazingly enough, from that very night, we have not had any problems at all. It was like taking the time to calmly talk about it with them and explain the new rules and reasons behind it made it all ok. And it has honestly been very nice to have our bed to ourselves again :) I guess I said all of that to say this: if your husband is not happy with them sleeping in the bed with y'all anymore, come up with a solution/compromise to that, and explain it to the kids. You may be surprised how well they take it. But you & your husband have to be on the same page - otherwise the kids will use one of you against the other.

I am also wondering if maybe someone has made some comments to your husband that made him doubt the way y'all have decided to raise your kids. Maybe you should ask him what has brought all of this about, since from what you wrote it seems like he had always agreed with the situation before. Open, honest communication is always the best solution to any problem.

Answer 8

well im a 15 year old kid  so u may bnot think i know alot about this but some of my cousins have been homeschooeld their whole life and their mom still lets the younger two (12,10) sleep in her bed i mean my 12 year old boy cousin wenever i go to the movies with my older cousin (15) and he is normal but eveytime we go to the movies or sutin he comes and he makes his parents stay there!!!!! and he cuddles all up with them and stuff,so id stay stop babying ur kids ammidiatly it will turn into a habit  and if it dosnet they will become adapt to it and always think ur going to be there everytime to confort them with every little thing ......and your husband is right they will turn out to be misfits if they get adapt to being babyed at least thats was the story for 2 out of three of my cousins

Answer 9

You need to talk to your husband.  Your kids have TWO parents.  He has a right to have some say in how they are raised.  You two need to sit down and talk things out and come to some middle ground.  

I personally think your boys are too old to be sleeping with mommy and daddy.  And that if they are 'very sensitive' it probably does have a lot to do with a little bit of over mothering.  

It is a parents job to raise human beings that are intelligent, caring and eventually self sufficient.  I am not suggesting that at age 6 they be out on their own, but it is a good time for them to sleep in their own beds through the night.  If they wake up and come to your bed, you pick them up and take them back to theirs.  You tell them that mommy and daddy are very close and you will stay with them til they fall asleep but that they have their beds and mommy and daddy have their own bed.  After a week or two of consistent sleeping arrangements, they will get the hang of it.  It won't hurt them or damage them.  I think it will hurt you worse because you are the one wanting it to continue.  But it isn't about you it is about the kids.  That is just my opinion, take it or leave it.

Answer 10

i agree with your husband. but not completely. It is uncool and not good that your twins sleep in your bed with you. If they don't stop know then they wont. Gently tell them to sleep in their own beds. read them a story,talk to them,and be sensitive. I know its hard. OK maybe i don't I'm just 15.  but still. Do it with time and care. well hope it helps.

Answer 11

You hold on to your boys as much as they need you to comfort them.

Through all the changes they need to know that some things will never change, like the love, and attention they get from their parents.

They need this kind of reassurance to feel safe, and secure.

All these changes may have caused your husband to feel some added stress as well, and you may have to find some time alone; go for a walk, an ice cream, or a cup of coffee, and talk this through.

Good luck.

Answer 12

"It is quite unhealthy for your sons to be in your bed."

what malarkey.

"I've heard about attachment parenting--it's nothing but an excuse to keep your kids infants as long as possible."

wow, you've heard about it. what an authority that makes you.

I PRACTICE it, and it does nothing of the sort. my kid's been with sitters since he was about one, and never ONCE has he cried. he's no baby, and he's quite independent.

It's perfectly natural for your children to be a bit more needy in times of change. Stick to your guns.

Answer 13

They are sensitive because you have made them sensitive. You have made them clingy and dependent because you haven't pushed them to be independent. And I hate to tell you--but they're going to stay like this until you start letting them be independent kids.

I've heard about attachment parenting--it's nothing but an excuse to keep your kids infants as long as possible.

Start by getting them their own beds and work from there. They are already spending alot of time with you since you are homeschooling (which, I am all for by the way!) that they don't need to be sharing a bed too.

Answer 14

It sounds like your husband is stressed about something, even if he doesn't know what. It could even have been some off-hand comment someone made about homeschooling or something else. You need to talk to your husband gently about this.

Answer 15

I think it's your husband who has the problems, not the rest of you. While he's quite right that the kids need to learn to sleep in their own beds, you can't go "cold turkey." Especially with all the changes that have been happening. I would suggest you make a special "bedtime" teddy bear for your son and subject the teddy bear to a short lecture about how it's now his responsibility to keep your son company at night in his own bed. Let your son choose the fur from the shop, and some nice fabric to make pj's for him. Then make a few pairs of matching pj's for your son.

I don't think your situation is going to cause your boys to grow up "weird and stuff" (which I assume means g*y) but your husband does have the right to elbow room in his own bed!

Answer 16

We had this as well, and there are times our son still climbs in with us...but this is usually when he's not feeling well, or if he's had a bad dream.  We moved to another state when he was 6, and it was very hard on him; he did go back to sleeping with us for a while.  After a couple of months, we moved him back to his room, but one of us would stay with him until he fell asleep.  This worked really well.

The kids are not going to turn out "wierd and stuff", and it's not "unhealthy".  It's good that they are turning to you to be their security, rather than other things that kids turn to (or run from).  I think it's unhealthy that come a certain age (usually still in early elementary or thereabouts), we expect young children to be almost completely independent of us - and then we wonder why they don't want to be seen with us, or wouldn't dream of asking us for help, when they get older!

They do need to work toward sleeping in their own rooms, but it's ok to do it gradually.  6yo's don't understand the "cold turkey" method...they're children who look to their parents for security, not teens or adults who will just make a decision to do it and then go for it.  

I would suggest to map out a gradual plan with your husband; help him understand that your 12yo's won't still be sleeping with you, but your 6yo's have gone through a LOT of transitions recently and are just trying to deal with it.  They need both your and his help right now, as well as your patience and love.

I completely understand where you're coming from.  Please let your hubby know, from a mom who has been there and come out the other side, that giving your kids the help and guidance they need will serve to help them cope and give them the confidence they need to be independent once they're ready to be so.

Hope that helps!

Edit - I completely agree with everything lorinhl said - and I loved the Lord of the Flies mention, so true!

Answer 17

There is a yahoo group that may of some help

Imperfectly Naural Parents http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Imperfectl...

" A  discussion group committed to providing support and reassurance to Natural Parents wishing to be able to talk about all aspects of parenting in the way they have chosen with other like-minded mums and dads.

But we all make mistakes from time to time, and we sometimes question the choices we have made. This group is where we can share our concerns and voice our worries, and acknowledge that it's completely okay not to be a "perfect" Natural Parent….

The list was initially created to serve members in the UK, but is pleased to welcome new members from any country - as long as they are *Imperfectly Natural*!!"

Answer 18

You owe it to your spouse to respect (I did not say agree with) his opinions - talk this through with him and be open to his feelings.  

Personally, I agree completely with him.  There is a reason the doctor cut the cord at birth.

So far you have pointed the finger at those whose advice you don't like (in earlier posts, with great indignation), you have described your children as cherubic angels (while hinting at the less than angelic behavior), and now you are blaming your husband for your stress and woes.  Consider that the issue may not be solely with the children and your husband.  Maybe all the changes you have listed have had an impact on you as well as the rest of the family.

Good luck.

Answer 19

I think your boys may just be a little stressed with all the change,give them time and establish a daily routine to get them comfortable.If you are worried about them not getting enough interaction with other kids their age, check out a local homeschool support group,most offer sports and other activities for homeschooled kids,along with a social environment.You could also try the local YMCA,although its a little costly.

I respectfully disagree with "mrsparadox",there are plenty of  ways to improve your kids "personal skills" (did you mean "people"skills?) than a school environment,in fact from what I have learned from my non-homeschooled friends school (especially highschool) adds alot of stress to kids lives that can be avoided by homeschooling.

And I gotta ask:What is "normal",everybody wants to be "normal",afraid of not "fitting in",but our parents always say that "everybody is unique".......so how is there such a thing as "normal".Now "average" I can understand.......but personally I want to be soooo much better than "average"....because today "average" is pathetic.

Hope I have encouraged you to continue homeschooling,I believe it will make your kids the best they can be.

Answer 20

I always feel that kids outgrow the sleeping thing on their own.  My son slept in his own bed until he was about 2 when a serious illness put him in with us, he recovered and stayed for about 4 years...one day he just went back to his bed.

The night before his sister was born he came back in for old time sakes--he was 9.  He's 17 now and has been homeschooled since he was 13.  He's done very well and is ready for college.  He's never done drugs, etc.  Always been a free thinker, has lots of friends and is very close to both me and his dad.  He often talks about how secure he felt back when he was younger and how glad he was he had that time--as he's finding out the world can really be harsh.

The best gift you can give your boys is a happy childhood.

His sister is 8 and still sleeps with us.  I know for many they think it's strange, but in many cultures it's very natural.  They grow up fast, and both my kids are fiercely independent.

You are dealing with many changes.  Try to be patient with everyone---including yourself.  The best part of homeschooling is you set the pace.  Get to the library, the museums--today we went to the beach--quiet with everyone back to school.

Talk to your husband about the changes you've gone through and the commitment you're making.  The boys will not be weird if they have lots of friends, lots of involvement and time to adapt to all the changes.  You could let them fall asleep and tell them you'll put them in their beds.

I think the door should be open for them as they feel rather adrift and unsure if you transition them too quick.  As for kids needing other kids, that's only partly true.  My kids get along with people of every generation, they're curious about everyone and not stuck in a peer group.  Other kids do not teach manners, or social skills or other important skills.  Remember Lord of the Flies?  My kids have lots of friends that go to school and the door is open if they ever choose to do so, but they have been very sucessful academically on their own.

Good luck--I'm sure you'll be awesome.

Answer 21

The idea that kids should sleep in their own bed is purely a cultural thing. In other cultures, it is not unusual for teenagers to still sleep with their parents. My gut feeling is that, if they know their own beds are there and that your bed is there, they will sleep in the bed which best suits their needs on that particular night. Talk to your hubby but ultimately I think you and your hubby should trust your boys to know what they need most from you (independence or security) on any particular night. I think if you push them to be more independent than they feel ready for then it could backfire on you and might end up making them more clingy around you.

Answer 22

You're right, it is a big change.  When changes are occurring in kids lives it is best to try to make their routine as predictable as possible.

Make sure you have a routine for bedtime so that your boys will recognize when bedtime is coming. You need to get them used to sleeping in their own beds, but do it in stages.

For the first week or two put sleeping bags on the floor of your room and if they come into your room have them get into the sleeping bags.  

For the next two weeks, put the sleeping bags in the hallway.  

the two weeks after that put the sleeping bags away.  If they come into your room than take them back to their own beds and tuck them in.

After that, they should be expected to stay in their own beds. If they come into your room than tell them to go back to bed.

Answer 23

First, a question to consider.  Was you husband on-board with the idea of attachment parenting?  If so did he understand that it would continue to be the style  of parenting all the way through, or did he think it would stop at some point when the children got a little older?

Regardless of that, it  IS his bed too, and they ARE his children as much as yours.  I think the two of you need to sit down away from the kids and discuss this like adults. You both have to make a decision that you both can live with.

From your question, it sounds like the homeschooling is not a problem for your husband, just the sleeping in your bed.   Personally, I agree that at six its time to gently but firmly insist that mommy and daddy have their own bed, and the kids have theirs.  My children all slept with me when they were weaned.  They all were weaned at an age most would consider late.  One was weaned at 2 1/2 years old, (it was sort of a self weaning, sort of parent led, she had cut herself down to once a day, first thing in the morning, all I did was start getting out of bed before she woke up and she never even noticed that she had weaned) , another of my babies was weaned at 15 months, he weaned himself, he got sores on his tongue and couldn't nurse for a while, and afterward he just never started again, the other child weaned at around 2 years old, she was always was on the go and just lost interest.  Within a few months of weaning they all went into their own beds.  They still climb into ours to snuggle in the morning, but at night they stay in their own bed.

I think at 6 years old they should certainly be moved to their own bed, and you shouldn't lay with them in their beds.

Your husband probably just wants his wife back, and his bed back.  

You would be surprised at how easily it can go when you are firm and simply don't waver.  Children are highly adaptable and they will adapt to this.  

They will still be your sweet sensitive little boys, they just won't be in your bed at night.