I need some advice for my 6-yr old hearing impaired child with severe temper tantrums?

Question

My son has just turned 6 years old and was diagnosed with a hearing impairment at 4 1/2. He has been dealing with a lot in the past year & 1/2 with getting used to hearing aids, new school & his younger brother growing up (he is 3). I have been divorced from their father for the past 3 years. My son has recently been having very huge emotional temper tantrums. Most of them happen when he is with me only in public or at the doctors office. He seems to only display this type of attitude towards me and goes into rages where he will scream, kick walls, tantrum out of control, scratch me, bite me, pull my hair, etc. There has been one instant where I though the police would be called because everyone was looking at me ~ I was under the impression from the stares got they all thought I was a bad mother. Anyway, his father keeps my children half of the week and says that he never has these problems. Am I a bad mother for thinking I want to give up or not know what to do?

Answer 1

YOU ARE A FINE MOTHER!!!

You may be frustrated, but just by being here and trying your best to gain some insights, your love for your son is very evident.  Please don't second guess yourself.

First things First.  Keep him safe during these outbursts.  Learn how to do a physical restraint and if he starts damaging property or trying to injure anyone, warn him and then restrain him.  Let him know that it is your job to keep him and others safe and when he stops you will let him go.  Tell him ahead of time what your plan is to deal with this sort of behavior if it happens again.  Then he will be prepared that you are NOT going to let him attack anyone, or put holes in walls, period.  That will just NOT be happening anymore.  He might have a tantrum, but he will not hurt anyone or anything if he does.

I think part of what is going on is the fact that your son has special needs and he is making a BIG transition, each and every week.  The schedule of half the week with mom and the other half of the week with dad, might not be appropriate for him.  Usually different homes have different rules. And even when things are IDEAL, transitions are hard on children.

The fact that he acts like this with you and not with his dad, DOES NOT MEAN THE PROBLEM RESTS WITH YOU.

Think about it.  How often do young children do well at nursery school, only to have a BIG meltdown as soon as they get home?  Does that mean they have a bad home? No, it means they had to keep their act together while they were at school and now they vent a lot of the frustrations and disappointments that they stuffed all day long while there.

Your son's behavior is saying the things he can't express with words, just yet.  Do not take it at a personal level, it isn't personal, it has everything to do with what he's going through in life, not with you.  He may feel safest venting this way with you, because on some level,  he knows, that even at his worse YOU will stick by him.

He has anger, he has frustration-- your job (and his father's job, too)  is to figure out where it is coming from.  

If he ONLY does this in public places, limit his opportunities.  

He should be seen by a qualified therapist and they will be able to help you hone in on what is going on.

Again, my sense is that this back and forth on a weekly basis, might not be working for him.  There is ALWAYS some transitional issues and seems like by the time he

has a couple days to transitions back to one  home, he needs to start packing up and readying to transition back to the other parent.  As he gets older he might be able to manage the transitions better.  

Another line of thought:

Children with hearing impairments, especially young children, are dealing with a lot.  You don't say if his speech is affected by the impairment, often it is.  That can result in the child having a lot of difficulties with peers in social situations, feeling isolated, and feeling different is painful.

And children often don't talk about it if they face ridicule or isolation-- they act it out instead. Your ex doesn't sound like he's being very helpful or supportive, which is probably WHY he's your ex.  He needs to get in tune and get on board with you and recognize that this has nothing to do with him being a better parent.

Having tantrums  is your child's problem-- and I'm sure that he isn't any happier than you are, when he is losing control of his emotions and lashing out at you in  this way.

He definitely needs, and hopefully will have, the help of BOTH his parents, and maybe a professional,  in learning how to cope with life's disappointments and frustrations as a child who has a hearing impairment in a better, healthier way.

You  mention this happens in doctor's offices.  How often is it YOU, as opposed to your ex, who takes the time to bring him to appointments of that sort? Maybe he feels his emotions more when he IS in any sort of clinical setting.  You probably had a LOT of appointments with doctors as he was getting diagnosed and getting fitted with his hearing aids.  I recently read a story in Guideposts about a girl who took her hearing aids and threw them into a field, because she couldn't bear the ridicule she got at school.  So who knows how that aspect of life has been going for him in terms of social interactions with his peers.

  Your son is at an age where he is aware that he has hearing aids, other children, don't.  That is the hand he  got dealt, he can't change that and he might not be at a point where he's readily accepting it, or coping with it in the best of ways. So again, could be that he just does get far more emotional anytime  he is in a clinical sort of setting, or in public places, where he feels others are looking at him differently because of his hearing aids. No child wants to be different, children crave acceptance and to their way of thinking being accepted depends  on being the same-- not different-- unfortunately.  Parents need to teach their children to accept differences, but not many have learned that by the age of 6. Children can be very cruel to children with any sort of difference.  A friend of mine felt suicidal by the time she got to fourth grade, because she has bright red hair and was called "ugly" today she looks at her school pictures and realizes she was actually standing out in a good way, very pretty.  But she didn't think so then, she started trying to wear hats all the time to hide her hair and of course, that got all eyes on her too as she'd be told to take off the hat in class. Sounds like a minor sort of thing, but it resulted in missed school, low grades, poor self-image and because it went on for as long as it did, it took YEARS of therapy before she felt okay about just having RED hair, for heaven's sakes.

So finally, when he is calm,talk with your son, let him know in some way or another, everyone is unique and different,  one kid has freckles, one kid is the smallest boy, or the heaviest girl, or one has bright red hair like my friend,  and one has hearing aids.

No matter what is causing these tantrums, for now, get proactive around his self-image.  Help him identify his most wonderful qualities, get him involved in team sports like soccer, horseback riding,  t-ball, tae kwon do, swimming, just  figure out something he loves and get him involved with it.  In addition try to  find a camp for children with hearing impairments, where he can see he isn't the only boy dealing with this challenge, too.  

I remember as a child being surprised by how angry Helen Keller was and how she'd have terrible tantrums and act up constantly as a young girl, frustrated by the hand she was dealt. So please don't think this behavior you're seeing is because you're a "bad" parent. I can almost guarantee you the root of this issue you're dealing with has more to do with your son's perceptions than it does with you.

If you focus the efforts on you , you'll waste a lot of energy-- because like I said before, I'm pretty sure you're a very good mother already and changing you, isn't going to change the behavior you're dealing with.

I'm assuming you're consistent about your rules, clear about what you expect from your children and that you are issuing some sort of consequence for him when he misbehaves.  In other words, if he acts up at the doctor's office, you aren't stopping for a sundae on the way home, right?

Try to hone in on what is driving this behavior.  Adjust the visitation schedule for a  couple weeks and see if he does better.  Try having DAD take him to the appointments and see if DAD now sees what you're talking about.

And again, get him involved in positive sorts of pasttimes where he can get a sense of accomplishment and achievement. The more positive experiences he has, the less he'll focus on where he feels short changed by life.

I really do think that all the transitioning back and forth, coupled with his emerging awareness that other kids don't wear hearing aids, is a large part of his having these outbursts.  You are wise to get him the help he needs NOW. If your ex won't work with you, find a good therapist who will.

All the Best to you and your sons!

Cee

Answer 2

In all, while you sound frustrated, you seem to have some what of a handle on the situation and the fact that you are reaching out for advice, shows you are a Mother not about to give up.  I personally don't think you are a bad Mother, but just an overwhelmed Mother, at the time.  I am sure  you will receive many response with exceptional advice and ports of interest, but no matter what you get, what you read, always trust your gut feeling when it comes to any and everything regarding you and your children, leave nothing in this category to chance.  From one Woman to another, from one Mother to another, just hold on, seek out additional counseling and/or medical care, avoid children's father if he is not a positive influence and don't forget about yourself in this equation, I know it is hard and no one said it would be easy, but it will all work out, you just have to go through it first.   God Bless.

Answer 3

I dont know if you believe in God.If you do then take him to a church who believe in healing.(Baptist,penticostal or apostolic,and ask have him prayed for..God can and will help yous if you will only believe.

Answer 4

You need a support group ...see what is available in your area, or on line. . .my niece had the same problem with her 4 year old autistic son . . .I had the same problem with my 72 year old father who had a stroke and lost the ability to speak . . .frustration really gets to them, and can come out in violence. Is he in a school for hearing impaired? Ask the teacher . . don't just look in hearing impaired, other disability groups too . .Good Luck