I need some advice on a very bad behaved & disturbed child?

Question

My housemate has a 7 yo boy who has the worst behaviour I have ever seen in a child. Everybody does notice that he behaves very well with me and shows a lot of respect towards me as he doesn't swear at me like he does his father & fathers friends and he also chucks terrible tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. This is very distressing to me as his father does not deal with it very well, his swearing is his fathers fault as he swears directly at him which I've asked him to stop & he has improved unlike his son. So when the boy throws his tantrum he screams & yells & kicks & swears & throws things and gets so angry & worked up he almost busts. A couple times I've calmed him down, by being calm myself & asking him what he wants me to do and eventually he calms down unlike when his father yells at him to shut up & stop being stupid, this does nothing but make him angrier. Recently I could not stop his tantrum, he knocked his knee which made it bleed and he screamed & screamed & hit his dad & told him to get out. I went into his room to ask if he was ok & he threw lollies at me & told me to get out, he was yelling so hard he looked like he was going to pop his eyeball out, its very distressing to see a young boy do this to himself, i just want to help him. Also I've noticed he does not deal with pain very well & freaks out if somebody hurts themselves and when you tell him to come here you want to show him something he always asks "is it gonna hurt". What is the best way to handle this I feel walking away when he throws a tantrum is not achieving anything but I know this behaviour needs to be ignored. Please keep in mind his father has him every weekend Friday after school until Sunday late afternoon where he then goes back to his mothers. He sleeps in the same bed with his father (queen bed), he is allowed to watch war movies like platoon and scary movies like blade, his toys all consist of weapons like guns & swords (plastic) & his games consist of being in the war & I wont even get into the terrible racist talk that comes out of his mouth. I have grown close to this boy & I know he trusts me, I feel so sorry for him because his father can only show his love through buying him toys all the time & not good toys he lives in front of his playstation all weekend playing war games & yes i know it just keeps getting worst. Any advise on how to deal with this & what you think I should do would be much appreciated. one last thing i forgot to mention, one night when i asked his father to just leave me with him (he was throwing a tantrum & his father tends to make the situation worst) when he calmed down out of the blue very unexpected he asked me "why do I do that, why do I get so angry, i dont want to be like that", it broke my heart but made me realise it is definitely a serious problem & i'm worried he may need professional help if it's something he cant control. Last this I want to also point out, he is also afraid of the dark & his father always leaves the light on outside the bedroom for him because if he assumes he is asleep & he turns the light out, he will scream & scream until there is light.

Answer 1

The child probably does NOT need a therapist because he CAN and DOES control himself when he is with you.

What the boy needs is consistent discipline and two parents who are setting good examples for him. He needs the violence taken out of his world: We do what we see done. We say what we hear spoken. (There's no big mystery about that. Think of how a baby learns to do things.)

As far as his being afraid of the dark, it's quite understandable, considering what he is seeing on TV, videos, etc. And it is not unusual for a child that age to be afraid of the dark anyway. Leaving the light on will not hurt anything.  

I applaud you for your concern and assistance to him. Unfortunately, there is little more you can do, except what you are and have been doing already.  But there is a chance if you can stay close to him until he is around 8 or 9 years old--that's about when a boy can start thinking abstractly--that you can encourage him to be a gentleman. Use a gentlemanly 'hero' of some kind that he admires--if you can find one.

God bless you for caring what happens to him. He surely needs someone who cares what kind of man he grows up to be. Oh, and pray for him. It really does change things. Just try it and see.

Good luck.

Answer 2

if he has the ability to calm down with you and behave differently with you then it shows that he is choosing to behave  badly with his parents. however the problem comes in when his parents are not using strategies to help. the only thing that will help this child is to change the environment with his parents.

they all need counseling in order to learn how to deal with him and themselves. I really believe this child can control most of his  behaviors but the parents are letting it escalate and not only that but  it seems like they turn the other way and when it gets out control they get angry and it escalates even further from there.

yep, they all need help for this to change but your desire to help is courageous.

Answer 3

d**n...

WELL I THINK U SHOULD SET UP SUM FUN RULES MY MOM CALLS THEM EX: EVERYTIME HE DOES SUMTHIN GOOD HE GETS A STAR AND IF HE DOES SUMTHIN BAD TAKE ONE AWAY... ITS BEST TO TRY AND KEEP HIM BUSY LIKE COLORING WATCHIN MOVIES OR JUS PLAYIN FUN GAMES..

THE DAD SHOULD TRY TO STOP THE SWEARIN AROUND HIM... IT MIGHT BE HARD AT FIRST BUT IF U EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT HE REPECTS WHAT HE HEAR THEN IT MIGHT HELP... ALSO IF HE DOES SUMTHIN BAD TRY TIMEOUT FOR 7-10MINS..

MAKE FUN SNACKS WITH HIM HE MIGHT LIKE THAT... AND AS FAR AS THE DARK THING GOES IT BEST TO GET LIKE 2 OR 3 NITE LIGHTS FOR HE'S ROOM...

TRY TALKING TO HIS FATHER ABOUT BUYIN SO MANY THINGS IF HIS DAD SPEND MORE TIME DOIN THINGS WITH HIM HE WILL SAVE MONEY..

IT GOOD THAT HE TRUST YOU BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE MUCH EASIER TO TRY THESE THINGS...

HOPED I HELP

Answer 4

The problem is his daddy. This boy needs more attention and love from him. Tantrums are the ultimate attention seeker and if they only happened occasionally, telling him to be quiet and go to his room is fine, but if it is every weekend, then dad needs to start spending time with his son. Special events, reading to him, and playing with all those toys together. I think that will get to the root of his problem. I do not think that the movies and toys are affecting him nearly as much as being ignored by his father.

Being afraid of the dark is somewhat common. A nightlight in the room on the kids side of the bed should solve the screaming issue.  

Answer 5

Take him to a psychiatrist. He may be suffering from a mood disorder(Bipolar). Have him evaluated.

Answer 6

Sounds like the father is the problem, The child may also have some issues such as bipolar his actions may also be for attention even if it is negative attention. It's evident that the father doesn't do much with him but, it sounds like you don't have to much trouble calming him down. I wonder how he is at home with his mother as far as the lights go most kids are scared of the dark. Is this someone that you are with or is it a roommate. If you are with this guy I think you need to get away from him you might want to consider talking to someone in social services confidential of course they don't even have to know whom you are talking about, I'm sure they could steer you in the right direction and give you some good advice on the situation After all it sounds like you have this boys best interest at heart. Good Luck

Answer 7

this kid needs to see a therapist, thats all i have to say. your doing a great job but honestly i think only a professional can solve this problem

Answer 8

I think the behavior of his father could have done damage to his mind. You should try to get complete custody of him, because his question of "is it going to hurt?" suggests that his father may have been abusing him. It seems that his father is not fit to have control of this child even for a weekend.

Answer 9

The problem isn't the fault of the child.  Obviously the child's father obviously has never disciplined the child other than scream and yell and shout obscenities at the boy.  A child's most important teachers of their lives are their parents and the child is simply behaving in a manner that he was taught.  And obviously this child's father has no desire to change his ways so the child isn't going to change.  You need to talk to the father and get him to STOP enabling the problem, otherwise this will just escalate and considering that you are of no relation to the boy you really have no right disciplining him anyway.  (You are not a parent of this child or even step parent you are as you said simply a Housemate of his father's)

Answer 10

this all happens because the father allows it. As the non parent there is not a whole lot you can do. As he is well behaved with you it shows he can control himself. He knows he can get away with his bad behaviour , so does. Ignore the tantrums, walk away and pay no attention.

Answer 11

There is nothing you can do unless you can get new parents for the kid. Where is the mother? What is she doing to help?

The kid needs STRONG discipline (which can't come from you because you're not authorized to make rules and enforce them) and he also needs STRUCTURE where he knows what will happen at what time. He needs CONSISTENCY and parents who work together to make RULES and ENFORCE them as a united front.

This kid sounds like he is going to grow up with very little self discipline, very little coping skills, and once puberty hits and hormones come, he will be ill equiped to delay gratification and do the things he should, like focus on studies and say no to temptations, etc. Drugs may be a problem too. This kid needs to be consistently disciplined NOW before it gets so bad that he is taken to a psychiatrist, gets put on meds, and gets used to external chemicals in order to function. Sad start, I see a lot of kids like this, and 95% of the time it's the parents being selfish and focusing on themselves instead of the best interest of the child. Bringing up children is HARD and it takes sacrifice from the parents and consistent discipline... kids will be wild otherwise if there is no strong force that is more powerful.