I need some advice or opinion about adopting.?

Question

Last year my cousin was killed in a car wreck. She left two little girls. Her boyfriend who is on the birth certificate as the Father was sent to prison for drugs just a few months ago. He lost all parental rights by the court. The girls were living with their grandma, my aunt. They always slept in the bed with her on morning they woke up and found her dead. (heart attack) They were then living with their aunt who was sent to prison for driving drink and killing their mother and little cousin. Needless to say these girls at the ages of 7 and 8 have lived a tough life.

They are living in a foster home which is my uncle, their great uncle. It's a good home but because of my uncles and aunt age they are not sure about adopting the girls.

My wife and I have always loved the girls. And I have been very concerned about them since their mother died. Now we are considering, if my uncle deciced not to, adopting the girls. One problem we have is we already have 4 kids of our own. continu

Answer 1

These little girls need all the love you can give them.  After what they've been through, behavioral problems are normal and just show how much help they need.  At the very least you can provide her with some professional help.  I'm 42 and can't imagine waking up next to a dead person!  The bottom line is the extended family needs to get together and discuss what is best for these children.  Where can they go to finally have some peace and stability?  Who is able to provide that for them in the best way considering the circumstances?  Have you discussed with your own children how lucky they are and will they support your decision to help?  About the drug use, that's a tough one but maybe you can let them around once in a while, in your home and under your rules.  If they show up stoned, send them away.  But no matter what you decide, love these girls, be a part of their lives and get them some help.  I wish you all the very best and congratulate you for wanting to care for them.

God Bless.

Answer 2

Biblebeliever,

What you are considering is an awesome thing.  I will answer your question by sharing my story with you.  My husband and I have one biological child.  After years of trying and no success of having another child, we decided to enter the foster care system.  The first children we got was a sibling group of 3.  Within a month social services told us that they were in the process of terminating the parents rights and these children would need to be adopted.  I was in your place once.  However these kids were not related to us.  We decided to adopt them.  

There was a lot of adjusting especially for our own son.  A year after receiving these children their biological mother had another child which we also took in.   All of them  ( I am not sure about the oldest) was born addicted to at least 2 different kinds of drugs, the mother was a heavy smoker and drinker.  Besides emotional problems mainly with the oldest my now 6 year old also has fetal alcohol affects.  My now 9 year old ( she was 6 and a half when she moved in) had many emotiional problems,  We took her for counseling sometimes every week for the first year and a half.  She had big problems with lying, and trying to rule the roost, so to speak.  She was also very defiant and rebellious.  Before she moved here to my understanding she was so unruly that she was even removed from other foster homes.  She was in about 6 or 7 foster homes before she came to us. It is unfortunate, but I really think that any kid should be given all the chances to turn around that they can.  Things take time and a lot of patience.  If God wants you to have these kids everything will work itself out.

Now that these kids have been with us for a while they have improved a lot.  I still have some problems with rebellion in the eldest but she has turned around a lot.

My advice to you is that if you feel these kids tugging on your heart strings, you should take them in.  Even if it feels scary.  I was very nervous about taking these kids, but through that I did it any way and prayed alot.  I now have 5 kids.  At first  we only had 3 bedrooms.  My 9 and 3 year old girls shared a room, my two 6 year old boys shared a room, and the youngest was in our room since birth.  We have recently finished our basement, adding 2 more bedrooms.  That gives us 5 rooms.  Our oldest has her own room, the 6 year old boys still shares a room and my 3 and 2 year old daughters share a room, and we keep one room as a spare room.  I don't think your room situation is a problem.  There's nothing wrong with kids sharing rooms.  I wouldn't worry about that.  Your main concern is the safety and security of those kids.  These girls are so close in age, they should be able to share a room.

It will be harder for you since these girls are relatives, however I really think that you should distance yourselves from your relatives that have drug and alcohol problems.  Diffently at least for a while until you can work with these girls on your own without any interference.  They will need plenty of time to adjust.

As far as I am concerned about numbers the more the marrier.  If you are concerned about finances, check with social services about a subsidized adoption.  I don't know if your state does this or not.  My husband and I receieve money from the state and a medicaid card for each child.  We will get this until they reach 18 and longer if they go to college, unless state funding falls through.

This is a tough decision.  With God's help I know you will  make the right one.  God knows where these kids belong, and if it is with you it will happem.  They need all the love and support they can get no matter how much problems they have.  We have been very strict with our kids.  That may be something you need to do.  I think it is something they needed.  They needed a firm stucture.  They did not have that before.  Their mother was usuallly passed out on the  couch and the eldest was left to find something to eat for herself and her younger brother.  Pray God will lead you.  Talk to your pastor, other friends and close family.  Seek out all the support you can get.

May God be with you as you make this life changing decision.

God Bless.

Answer 3

All of the kids will be affected by the presence of bad influences, but...

As long as you and your wife are up front with the kids and share with them about why that lifestyle is dangerous and wrong, they will gain valuable experience from it.

As for the little one who has become a rude, you might be the only chance she has to break away from the horrible path she's on.

I believe that your family will benefit from taking these kids in to your home.

They need you.

Answer 4

Man, you got a big heart. I can't even comprehend your situation; but if you've got the room in your heart......

Really, all I can think of is the Ghost of Christmas Past talking to Ebenezer Scrooge about him chasing his fiancee after she dumped him on Christmas Eve for being so late. Ebenezer told the Ghost "I almost went after her."

The Ghost responded to Ebenezer "Almost doesn't count in matters of the Heart."

I have read enough of your answers to know that you will seek God's will.  I will pray for you. Whatever you do, do it with all your Heart and don't almost do anything.

Your brother,

John

Answer 5

every child deserves a chance at a better life. by that i mean a stable, secure, loving and nurturing home. If youy and your wife have four kids already you know the challenges of dividing your time and attention. it is a serious matter you are contemplating. the two children are two of many of children coming from addiction based families. that does not mean that with counseling and lots of hard work they can not become productive loving citizens. do some research in your area for resources to deal with children coming from problem homes. at that point, you and your wife look at your finances and relationship and decide if yall are willing to go the extra mile for these kids. even if you decide not to adopt them you can still be a positive influence in their lives to show them what being drug free and loved is all about. i am a recovering addict and personally know how hard it can be for the lifestyle changes but i know that it is possible. no one can make this decision but you and your wife. i just hope that what ever you choose, you help educate these kids on drugs and help show them the better way of life.

Answer 6

These children certainly do need a loving environment! Wow! how much can little kids live through and survive? Certainly six children is a huge responsibility and you need to make sure that they will blend with your existing family. Having them move in for an extended period would tell you. Is it possible to take them as foster children? That way you would be getting a little support from the state to defray some of their expenses. I shall pray for your success!

Answer 7

Use your Strong's concordance to seek advice in the Word about this situation.  Put a fleece out to the Lord about what He wants you to do.  Both you and your wife should pray and fast together, seeking the Lord until He reveals His will to you.  God bless you for your heart of flesh.  Remember whatever is revealed, the Lord always brings a peace about it, even if it is not a peaceful situation.

Answer 8

I know want you going through. Want should you do.. I would have a talk with someone you know. can the uncle and aunt can take care of them for a long time. Would they have the money for the adopting. But also go through your budget together and see if you could take them. You know want the girls been through. And u are being there for them. Ask some legal advice and talk with them and see want kind of advice they can give you.

Answer 9

Give them your loving home. There may be rough times, there may be overcrowding, money may be tight. But you sound like good, stable people who can help these girls recover from the series of tragedies they went through. Yes, you may have issues with the older girl or even both. So what? They need you, you are willing to help them...it won't last forever with your love and guidance.

Answer 10

Well, it will be hard, nothing worthwhile is ever easy.  I think its a great idea.  The older child will relax and calm after being adopted, the fear of not knowing what will happen to her will lessen, giving them both a chance to just be kids.   She's angry, she's lost a lot, but its not permanent.  They've had a rough life, but you can change that.  I hate to break it to you, but with kids the ages yours are, you will have to deal with rebellious teens way before these two girls get to that point, its part of life.  Any parent who's raised teens without any rebellion had that kid locked in a padded room until they were 20.  Rebellion is a natural part of growing up, testing their wings so to speak.

I would suggest limiting the time spent with the druggie relatives though.  For example, you could let a couple of them come over to visit for about an hour once a month, on a Sunday afternoon or something, strictly supervised of course.  Otherwise, don't feel bad about cutting them off from these people.  Would you want your kids associating with these people?  If you adopt these little girls, they shouldn't be subjected to anyone your own kids wouldn't be subjected to.  These girls need love, structure and commitment and its commendable that you're considering it.  You're right about the great aunt and uncle, it would be devastating for these girls to lose anymore caretakers as young as they are.

On the up side, 7 and 8 is fairly young, you'd have a good chance of connecting with these littlle girls and giving them the life they need.  Remember, instilling in children a sense of self-worth is the greatest gift you can give and from what they've been throught, I'd say they're desperately in need of that.

Answer 11

You need to think of which is worse. Adopting the children and have then sometimes visited by loser druggies? or send them to be split off to strangers and they will have many conusing questions as they grow up.

I think the first, although I dont like drugheads either, if you want to keep the kids close to you, it may be the best thing to do. You should pray, and ask Heavenly Father what to do about his two little children.

Answer 12

I think if you are capable of adopting these children you will have a positive impact on their life beyond what you could ever imagine.  

They are still young enough to make the decision to be good people.  And this is a key point in their lives.  Who knows?  Maybe someday they will be motivational speakers encouraging other people to adopt through the story of their stuggles?

My advice is to adopt if no other secure home is found for them.  It sounds like you will have too much guilt if they end up living such a hard life for much longer.

Answer 13

Are the girls actually in foster care?  If so, the answer on whether or not you can adopt may also depend on whether or not you meet state requirements, one of which may be square feet per person and number of bedrooms.  I know a couple who tried to adopt kids of their friends and they were unable to because their house was too small for the proposed number of people.

Answer 14

Your home is adequate. Your heart is in the right place. The child that is acting out is depressed and confused. Her life is over as she knew it. Her mom is dead. And her father is unreliable.

Your children will learn a valuable lesson in love and family if you take in these children.

I raised 6 children and I would do it again.

The house was always humming with laughter and excitement. There was always someone for my kids to play with.

Your children are fortunate to have you. The other children would grow up in a beautiful loving home.

Anyone on drugs would be forbidden from seeing the children at your home.

You can arrange once a month for them to meet at a neutral place to keep in touch with the children.

And it might make them all sober up to see you have high standards.

One of my cousins has a sister that is forbidden from contacting her children because she is a bad influence.

So it can be done.

The only drawback is financially you would have to spread the wealth 6 ways instead of 4 but God will bless you and so will the community. Blessings will roll in from every source. And the children might be eligible for SSI since their mom is dead and they have no father.

And there is always food stamps, grants, and scholarships.

Answer 15

Do what you feel in your heart is right. The end of a matter is greater than the beginning. Right now it might seem tough, but pray about it and allow God to use you. "Become the change you want to see." You want to see a good turn around in these girls lives I'm sure...So you become that change..Don't wait for someone else to take it on..Grab it and run with it! (My biological parents were foster parents for the first 18 years of my life, not that it was a bad thing, but... It affected me too..) I would talk to your kids about it and take them into consideration as well...

God Bless you! I will continue to pray for understanding for you and that God lead and guide your every decision!!!

Answer 16

Dont move wait until, God opens your eyes, God will provide a way for you. Spent time in praise meaning praise God for the answer. Remember this God own s everything and there is nothing to hard for him. Get outside of yourself. Meaning  Ask God for what you want and desire. Your heart is in the right place and cause your lips to speak to God and let him know what youwant to happen. PLEASE DONT WORRY, to worry is to sin. To praise God is to profit. I hope you understand me. Please fast, take sometime just for you no wife no kids no phone just you and the Lord and your eyes and heart will be enlightened and you will walk in the power of God concerning these things. Look not on the problem to long but look to the problem solver. Remember God is not the author of confusion but the are of peace,

Answer 17

Sounds to me like you should. No doubt it will be very trying at time to add two more to an already full house but it sounds like someone needs to step in and add some order and love to this girls lives. God brings you to it and he will bring you through it. Don't forget there is an income adoption tax credit.  Go for it, give these girls a true home

Answer 18

I think it certainly could work if you enlist everyone's co-operation. You must talk to your own children and explain the situation clearly. I would not "hide" the fact of drug-taking from them; in fact i would use it as an object lesson in the sorrow that such activities can cause. I would also speak to the little girls and ask them how they feel about the situation, and would they like to come and live with you? If they feel they have some say in their situation and that they are welcomedthey are less likely to be so angry and hostile. If there must be visiting, I suggest that the people come to YOUR house, and that you do not send the girls to visit them; that way you control the environment. Tell the people involved that if they show up "high" they may not see the girls. It is their business what they do in private, but around the children they must "mind their Ps and Qs". Also, if each of your children speak to the girls and show that they are welcoming them, this will also go a long way towards smoothing the path. Point out to your children that this is 'Christian charity in action', and the inconveniences cause by a bit of overcrowding are to be regarded as "sacrifices" one makes in the 'cause", and a little co-operation and assistance from everyone will go a LONG way towards "smoothing the path" and making everyone's life a LOT easier!

Answer 19

It's always good to get a child out of the foster care system. The question is, do you think you can handle it?  Remember what they've been through and accept the fact that they may not be little angels, but they still need a loving and stable home.

Answer 20

I think, if you can offer them a stable home, that adopting them would be a wonderful act of love.  You should discuss it with your aunt and uncle first, though.

Answer 21

Think this issue over very carefully.  You will have problems with these children.  But you will have problems with your own too.  But, the worse thing in the world for these girls is to be taken in and then given up again.  You sound like loving people.  Whatever you decide will be the best thing for everyone I am sure.

Answer 22

I think adopting them would be wonderful if you truly can afford to help them. The older one is probably acting out because of all the pain she is going through. Both girls may need couseling, but that can be obtained through their school.

How will this affect your children? Are they willing to try this situation?

Your home sounds like it may be big enough, they can share a room, they may want to do that.

If you can give them a stable home environment then please do so. But if it is not something you can take on permanently I would not risk disappointing them, they have been through enough.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 23

Worried about a rebellious teenager? Then why'd you have four kids? Teenagers are rebellious by nature. You'll find that out when YOUR kids reach 13.

As for the drugs etc... you can't blame the KIDS for what their parnets did. And this switching from house to house is not good for them. Do you want them to grow up like their parents? You can be a good influence on the children. Give them a HOME, love, boundaries, and a good education.

If you have the room and the finances to take them in, do it.

Answer 24

What a horrible fate for those young innocent girls!  I understand you may be concerned about their behavior, but if you do decide to take them in, YOU will have to be understanding of what they've been through and realize that any kids will act up.  Even your own may do so, but these girls may have issues prompting their behavior and rightfully so!  It sounds like these girls need unconditional love and stability.  If you could give that to them and be there for them, it would be the greatest act of love and selflessness you could ever do and it could be so rewarding!

Best of luck to you and the girls!

Answer 25

If you can do it, I think it would be good for the girls.  However, you should really consider whether you can handle all of this, which it does seem like you are thinking about all the angles.  That is good.  The most important thing is that whatever you decide, be sure about it.  These girls have had it rough and being moved around doesn't help.  So, if you decide to adopt them, make sure that you and your family are able to keep them forever.  Talk to your uncle and if he is not going to adopt them, talk to the social worker involved.  (I assume there is one.)  Make sure that you can have plenty of overnight visits to see how your children and the girls mesh.  

I hope that you are able to come to a decision that is right for your family.  It is a difficult situation.  My heart goes out to you and the girls.  God bless you.