I need some advice!!?

Question

i think my inlaws are way to involved in our lives. i will give you a few examples:

whenever my husband and i want to buy something, my father in law will get involved, he thinks he can get it cheaper.

they are always asking about where we are going and what we're doing.

which school i will send my daughter to.

my fil is also , i think, abusive, mentally.

he has called me shorty(i am 5foot4)

he told me i went to uni to wipe bums(i'm a registered nurse)

he says women with long hair , have long hair only to attract males.

i think he picks on me alot. i have told my husband and he has told them to not come to our place anymore. they used to come over every night and lecture us in our home and criticise my parenting.

am i too sensitive and should just ignore their dumb comments or are they abusive, controlling inlaws?

Answer 1

they seem over the top and overwhelming..so i agree with u the fil should keep his nasty comments to himself and you and ur family shouldn't put up with it. It is ur daughter and your business and ur choice what she does so basically just tell them to bud out

Answer 2

I would not call them abusive and controlling, maybe just out of line.  Just limit your contact with them to a phone call or quick visit now and then.  Tell them that if they want to be part of your lives on a more regular basis, then they need to change their behaviors.  Until then, your contact will be limited to phone calls every couple of weeks and visits a couple times a year.

Answer 3

Your husband needs to step up.   He needs to tell his parents (his father especially) that if they cannot come into your home without making rude comments about your height, occupation, parenting etc. that they will no longer be welcome.  If your husband refuses or makes excuses about confronting his parents then when they come over make sure that you and the kids are away.  If you are home and they stop by for a surprise visit, leave the room.  There is no reason why you should be subjected to this kind of treatment.

Answer 4

tell 'em when they start paying your bills, they can tell you how to live......

Answer 5

Well, I think you need to speak up for yourself...this is literally bullying in your own house!

Answer 6

It's nice when in laws take an interest in a couples family, but they have gone too far! Your husband needs to tell them to back off some and realize that his kidding is not appreciated and you two are grown mature individuals and need to live your lifes your way and to raise your family best as you know how etc.  But suggestions given the right way are appreciated if given in the right way- such things as shopping hints are ehlpful for example, but they shouldn't try to run your life.

Answer 7

It sounds like the father in law is good at crossing boundaries, but really even with all the demeaning remarks he makes, do you think you'd miss him as a person when he dies? Ponder on that. Just try to overlook the flaws in others as that's what you'd want someone to do for you.

Answer 8

Your inlaws sound typically corrosive.  However, don't be thin-skinned about it.  In the end, if the chips were down and you needed their help do you think they would help you?

If so, you should find a way to cope with it for his sake.  If not, then create space between them and your marriage.

Answer 9

it does sound like they were too involved in your lives but your husband has asked them not to come over too often.. he's taken your side in this so I'm guessing that you're not over reacting or being overly sensitive.  It's always better if you can rise above ppl's dumb comments though, you know why you became qualified and lots of men like shorter women so those things are nothing to worry about.

Answer 10

It sounds to me like they are  verbally abusive, controlling in-laws. I would just ignore them and not let them bother you. You are better than them anyways!

Answer 11

The world has lots of crappy people in it.  Your in-laws have given up any claim to specialness in your eyes, so your husband should insulate you from them just as surely as he would insulate you from some random creep in the street who tries to mess up your life.  If you husband doesn't shield you from abuse, whether it's at the hands of his parents or anyone else, then your complaint is with your husband.  You can't change the in-laws but you can have a good life without them around if your husband shares that vision.

Answer 12

Well first let me tell you I can totally relate with the overly involved in-laws =) I know exactly how u feel...

I’ve been though it all with them because used to live with them for almost 4 yrs, but & have our own home now

but I can tell you right now if you don't start speaking up for your self and you keep letting them tell you how you should or should not do things around your house, with your child, your marriage, etc... It’s just going to get worst with time not only for you but for your relationship too! You just need to learn how to speak up for your self, because believe me it's a lot easier than holding everything in and then taking it out on your husband later so... from experience here's what I think I think your father in law is... picking on you, because mine would do the same to me... but after sometime it gets hard to stay quiet no matter how soft or sensitive you might be... so I would talk back. like if he wanted to play guess what I could too...and in some weird way it got him not only to stop picking on me but we actually started to get along because I wouldn't feel intimidated or worried about what he might say to me next because I would actually feel comfortable enough to actually talk to him about the things I didn't like them doing for example I have a child too only difference is mine is a boy so.. there would be times my son would misbehave or be doing things I didn't like and as his grandfather thought he had some say in our parenting telling us aww... just let him he's only a baby, he doesn't know yet but guess what kids are like sponges they aren't stupid, so if you let something slide once they'll go back and do it again so I would let him know no... He is not a baby & yes he's still a child but he's smart enough to know when he's doing something that’s wrong. so little things like that I would let them know and about them worrying about the things you buy, want to buy, and what you and your husband spend totally your business they don’t need to know because I doubt you guys are going to buy things only to have them pay for them so you can pretty much just ignore the question, or just tell them it was just enough...and isn't it nice. oh... and I hope you don't end up cutting your hair just because he says your only trying to get another mans attention if he really thinks like that he must be super insecure and controlling with his wife... because my mother in law which by the way I get along with great now told me that when I was 1st looking for a job that her husband told mine that I was probably just looking for a job to save money to leave him (my husband) which is totally bull because I feel I should be able to work and make money too not only for the thing I want but also to help us both out with the bills, so about for that I never had to say anything I just proved him wrong =) so pretty much to answer your question yes he's being mentally abusive because he know you don’t have enough balls to say anything back, but watch the day you do... I doubt he'll keep picking on you and yes he's also being controlling because he see's you guys are letting him be like if you guys want o buys something do it you don't have to consult with him no matter if he's your husbands father or not spend your money how u want because guess what cheaper doesn’t always mean better, and if they ask where you guys are going, and what you are doing just say we don't know yet, but you'll figure out something to do so even if you do know you don't feel you have to tell them like if your a child asking for their permission, but that’s all I can really say to speak up for your self, speak your mind because I don’t think you can have a healthy relationship with your spouse or them unless you try your best to make your life run a little bit easier by speaking up, because they might think their doing what’s best by always being there or whatever when really their no giving you guys the space you really need, so yeah I know this was kind of long but hope it helps, at least a little. So good luck!

Answer 13

there is a fine line between caring and controlling, yes hon they have cross the line, this is your family you are the CEO don't give in or back down.

Answer 14

My first thought was that you was very sensitive (my father says much meaner things to me)...

However if you husband has asked them to stay away then they probably are abusive and controlling.  I would not question yourself some people are very sneaky about being controling they say subtle things that would be only abusive to you.  That sounds  like he is being that way.  I would be more concerned if you husband was not backing you up but he is so relax and enjoy your marriage....

good luck

Answer 15

i think you just need to move farther away from them.  they shouldnt be coming there every night

Answer 16

honestly there are far too many issues to answer and deal with all in one answer

sounds like you are not happy and you are not knowing what to do about this situation

i think you need to look at the situation(s) clearly and break it down in your mind as the specific things to deal with

hope you can find some solutions that work for you

best of luck

Answer 17

You are not too sensitive. I am divorced right know because of the same reason. I have a child a boy who is 12 years old. I have not seen him in three years because the mom decided to take him to florida. The Mom kept on asking my wife to leave me and to go to florida. Finally the day came and they were both gone. Dont listen to your in laws or anyone. Make your on desions. In laws and parent will only but in and ruin your marriage. I know, it ruined mine.