I need some funny jokes to make me feel better?

Question

I don't care what kind of jokes they are. they could be about blondes, cows, chickens, roosters. They could be dirty, clean, muddy, or sweaty...I don't care. Just make me laugh! Put as many jokes as you want.

Answer 1

This is really funny!

One day a rabbit, buzzard, and turtle ( all friends ) were looking for a home. They finally found a nice piece of land and decided that would be good enough. They built a home out of stick, beds out of straw, and planted a garden for food. But the garden wouldn't grow. They all talked it over and decided they needed compost. So the rabbit went to get some. A couple weeks later the rabbit came back, and there was a mansion that was gated! There was a man standing at the gate. Rabbit went up to the man and said "were's buzzard?. The man said" Mr.Buzzard is out in the yard ( say buzzard to rhyme with yard). Then Rabbit said "were's turtle? The man said " Mr. Turtle is down by the well ( say turtle like "Ter tell"). The rabbit thought for a minute and said " tell Mr. buzzard, and Mr. Turtle ( pronoune it like the man does) that mr. Rabbit ( say it like "rab it") is here with the sh*t!

Have a good laugh!

Answer 2

um... 1 minute Here are some jokes for you! May I have best answer? here are your jokes:

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A Cop and a Penguin

A man walks down a street and comes across a penguin. He takes the penguin and finds the first cop he sees on the street. He gives the penguin to the cop and says, "I found this penguin on the street, please take care of him."

Cop: "Well, what am I supposed to do with a penguin?"

Man: "I don't know, take him to the zoo."

So the man goes home and the next day as he is walking on the street, to his disbelief he sees the same cop walking down the street with the penguin.

Man: "What are you doing? Didn't I tell you to take him to the zoo?"

Cop: "Yeah, I took him to the zoo yesterday. Today we are going to the cinema."

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The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

You could run this over to your riends but why not just e-mail it to them!

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

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A girl came skipping home from school one day. 'Mommy, Mommy!' she yelled, 'We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only go to D, but I went all the way to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G! See?'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'No, Honey, it's because you're 24.'

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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS>

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the

work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am

automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy

had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for

themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only

silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never

called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an

idiot.

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The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

Overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

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There were three men taking there lunch break. The first guy goes 'man if I get chicken again for lunch I'm going to jump off this building.' The second guy says the same thing 'man if I get chili again I'm going to jump off this building.' The third guy says the same thing 'man if i get beef stew one more time i'm going to jump off too.'

The next day the first guy opens his lunch box and see's chicken and jumps off the building.

The second guy looks in his lunch box and and see's chili so he jumps off too.

The third guy finds beef stew in his lunch box and jumps off too.

At their funerals the first and second wife were crying and saying they would have changed the food if they had only asked. They turned to look at the third wife and she said ' Don't look at me he makes his own lunch.'

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posh toilet

Two mates were reminiscing about the party they'd been at the week before..

"Great party that, last week, wasn't it?"

"Wow, yes, great food, great booze, great girls...and a posh house to boot."

"Posh house?? it was a suburban semi?"

"Never....they had a gold-plated toilet?"

"What?, I can't remember that, you must have been drunk."

"No, honestly, I remember thinking...'posh!' "

The argument went backwards and forwards...yes, no, yes, no.

Finally they decided to prove once and for all who was correct....they looked up the address and went to the house.

A woman came to the door and one of the men said..."Excuse me, we were at your party last weekend and we're having a difference of opinion, tell us please...have you, or have you not, got a gold-plated toilet? My mate here says 'yes' but I disagree."

The woman turned round and shouted to her husband...

"George....I've found the ******* that crapped in your trombone!"

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Long Hair

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if

they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"