I need some funny quotes or jokes?

Question

i need ne thing funny it can be dirty, clean i just need some funny stuff

thanks♥

Answer 1

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Keep smiling! it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Answer 2

1) Family rules: You drink, you die. You do drugs, you die. You have s*x or anything close to it, not only will you die but you will burn in the eternal fires of h**l forever. Now have a good day at preschool!

2) Yo Mamma's so broke her doormat doesn't say "welcome" it says "welfare" ( Yo mamma jokes are so old XD )

3) You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women.

4) A blonde goes into a store asking to buy a t.v. she see on a self. The clerk will not sell it to her, b/c he does not sell to blondes. She dyes her hair brown, and comes back the next day, once again, asking to buy the t.v. He says he does not server blondes. She asks "How did you know I was blonde." He smiled and said "Because. That T.V. you want to buy, is a microwave."

5) Q: why does a blonde hold her hands over her ears?

    A:She is trying to hold onto a thought.

6) Actual Dumb quotes.

1) "He's going to step down, 'till he's back on his feet"- Vermont Public Radio

2) "I can see the strong wind blowing the sun toward us."- BBC Radio3

3) "A church spire nestling among the trees.... There's probably a church there too."- BBC2 T.V.

4) "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals, and none of them gold."- Channel 4 T.V.

5) "Blink Your eyes periodically to lubricate your eyes."- Environmetal Healf & Saftey hand book for employees.

6) Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because to may people have called asking where "any" key was.

7) A man was arressted In Topeka, Kansas for trying to buy things with counterfeited $16 bills.

8) 3 phases of love released by scientists at Rutgers University : Lust, Attraction, and Subpoena.<<<( slip of paper saying you must come to court )

Answer 3

Hannah Montana - I have a hairy weiner.

Answer 4

1.nobody ever died of laughter!

2. zoo is a place devised for animls to study the reaction of human beings.!

:D

Answer 5

there not really that funny just some stuff

If men are from mars who was the dum butt that gave em spaceships to get to earth

Life was so much easier when clothes didnt have to match and boys had cooties

If we can put one man on the moon why not all of them

Its all fun and games until someone gets hurt that its friken hillarious

I called your boyfriend g@y and he hit me with his pretty pink purse

Girls are like cellphones they like to be held talked to but if u push the wrong button u get disconnected

Life was so much easier when our only worries where recees was to short, decisions were made by "eeny, meeny, miney, mo" only skinned knees brought tears, boys where yucky and had cooties and goodbyes meant just until tomorrow

Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry show life you have a thousand reasons to smile

Some of them are not funny just stuff about life hope you enjoy them though

Answer 6

http://listverse.com/humor/30-unfortunat... these are some quotes from famous people that are quite hilarious