Question:

I need some good advice, preferably from those over the age of 25

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike

I need some good advice since I don’t know what to do. For over a year now my mother (and pretty much my entire family) has been pressuring me to marry my mother’s godson. They all believe his circumstances in life make him the perfect choice for me. He doesn’t have any family, lacks a good education, and works 2 low income jobs. Since his arrival t America a year ago, he has become very dependent on my family to help him out (he has no other family but his mother who turned her back on him at the request of her new husband).

I’m very conflicted as to what to do. On one hand, he’s a nice guy who will no doubt be very respectful of me. On the other hand, there are so many things that make me hesitant to marry him. First, I’m a 22 year old female whose fed up with her family (specifically her domineering mother) telling her what to do. Growing up, I never had a social life since my mother felt it was a waste of time and my mother actually chose my college major for me. I now have a job I hate and am bored with my life. What I want is sometime to myself—to have a social life, to find out the job I really want, and just learn about myself instead of letting my family dictate who I am. I’m also saving up some money to try and find a place of my own.

But this guy has a great deal of respect for my family since he views us as very educated and well off financially. He listens and heeds every bit of advice they give him. Additionally, if we were to marry, we’d most likely live in my parent’s second floor apartment—very close to them. I highly doubt he’d consider moving away since, well, logically we’d save more money living rent free in my parents home (for the record, we live in NYC where rent can be pretty high). So basically, marrying him is guarantees that they’ll still be in control of my life.

Secondly, this guy is very traditionally. From the moment we marry, he’ll want to start working on having a family, which means I won’t have time to figure out my life for myself. And trust me, saying no isn’t an option since the moment I do, my family will get involved and take his side.

Third, I look at my cousin and think to myself that I’d like to have what she has. Her fiancée is madly in love with her and her with him. The guy my mother wants me to marry doesn’t not feel that way about me. He likes that I’m sure of but he’s more interested in me because he believes his life will be a lot easier with me. I’ve tried to explain to my mother that I want someone who loves me the way my cousin’s fiancée does but my mother tells me that will never happen for me.

Currently, the guy has been dating another female and is thinking of marry her but he wants me to make my decision first. I’m not too sure what to do. Despite all of the reasons I’ve stated above, I’m very fearful that I will not be able to find someone who’ll treat me as good as he does. So here’s my question: if you were to find someone who treated you very well, would you marry them even though you have doubts or would you take the risk of ending up alone or someone who doesn’t treat you as well?

 Tags:

   Report

12 ANSWERS


  1. Chiquita you need to break away and fast. The only reason she's controlling your life is because you let her. If it will help, go back to school and get your degree in whatever major you choose. Once you do that, find a job that you like(preferably outta state or outta the city) and go for it. Put your foot down and tell her h**l 2 DA NAW you aint finna marrya a man that can't do **** for you let alone hi d**n self. You're a grown *** woman. You're old enough to make your own decisions cause at the end of the day, who gon' have to deal with it? You. Not yo mama.


  2. If you get married now, you will be stuck in a life where you never learned how it felt to make a decision. Clearly there are cutural differences going on here that I don't fully understand, but I don't see how a marriage can be lasting, fulfilling, or healthy for your future children if you are already unhappy. There is always risk in life. If you honestly think you can't find what you are looking for on your own, keep letting your mom decide for you. I think you can, though.

  3. Your 22 years old, stop letting your mother run your life, GET UP GET OUT, and h**l to the naw, dont marry the dude, you will be under your mothers thumb for life............RUNNNNNNNNNN!!!

  4. Wow you are in a tough spot, it sounds like culturally there is a lot going on.  You are a good girl and respect your parents wishes.  I am not sure marrying this guy is for you, like you said you are already bored with your life and if  you marry this guy you will have to continue living with your parents for a long time, never getting your own independence.  I am sure you will meet someone else you are only 22 you still have a lot of time.  I think living in a loveless marriage would only make you more miserable.  Also this guy seems to only be around because your family is helping him, that is very nice of them but marriage out of desperation and loyalty is not the way to go.

  5. OK, I'm over the age of 25, I have two kids and I am divorced.....

    Doesnt sound like your ready to get married, you have a lot you want to figure out, want a better job, etc. If I were you, I would go at these things alone, its too easy for you to get "busy" once you get married, and with the traditional guy wanting to have kids right away, you would be sacrificing a lot of your life waiting for your turn to be happy.

    I would also separate a litle from my mother, she sounds very controlling....picked your major even?

    I think you should WAIT, you are very young, its too early to predict being alone forever. There are many many many fish in the sea!

    And btw, your mother telling you that will never happen for you is horrible..she doesnt know that...sounds like heavy persuasion for you to do what she wants, not what you want.

  6. This just pisses me off...... DO NOT marry unless you have no doubts about your feelings for the other person.  This situation is doomed from the onset.  Stay single until you meet the man you can't live without !  It's just that simple, even if the search lasts a lifetime.

  7. Ok, I am 27 and have been married for 4 years. I was with a guys before my husband for almost 3 years that my parents loved and eventually after awhile I new hew wasn't the one and broke the realationship off. When I met the man who is noe my husband I just knew. If I were you I would NOT marry this man! And yes your man is out there and you have your whole life ahead of you to find him. You should wait and find THE ONE!!!

  8. I would never marry someone I had doubts about.  I would not marry this guy.

    You're an adult and emancipated from your parents.

    You marry who you want, not this guy your mother wants you to marry.

    The guy wants to marry someone else.

    Follow your heart and go YOUR own way.

    I'm sure you'll find someone out there who fits you.

  9. So here’s my question: if you were to find someone who treated you very well, would you marry them even though you have doubts or would you take the risk of ending up alone or someone who doesn’t treat you as well?

    NO, NO, NO!!  I wouldn’t marry someone just because they’re nice to me.  I might choose not to be with someone if I can’t find the right one (you don’t “end up alone,” you make the best choice for yourself), and I wouldn’t settle for someone who didn’t treat me well. You see to want the right to make choices, but you don’t understand that there are more options than those!  Wait for a guy that you love, want to be with and who treats you well.

    I stopped letting my parents run my life when I was 18, living on my own, and paying my own bills. I met a man whom I love. My parents had no say in whether or not I married him.  We married when we were ready to make that leap.. I would not have married him if I’d had doubts or I felt like I still needed to do other things in my life without him.  And I didn’t just marry him because he was nice to me.


  10. You have really answered your own question. You clearly have a better plan for your life and simply lack the strength to tell your mother NO. The guy does not love you nor you him. Everyone is entitled to love and be loved in this world please do not settle for less, you will guarantee a life of pining for something you gave away for an easy option. There is a great big world out there with opportunities which favour the brave, if you settle for pleasing your family and this man, what will YOU have? Take control of your own life and do what your heart tells you , you are far too young to concern yourself with marrying someone you don't love. Good luck with the fantastic opportunities life will scatter along your path if you follow your dreams.

  11. don't let your mother run your life. don't marry him if you don't love him! go find a nice guy that you love and then marry him.

  12. You need to figure out on your own who and what you are/want to be before you can marry. Go out and explore the world!

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 12 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.