I need some good jokes and i'm to lazy to search...

Question

<( '-' )> even Kirby is bored...

Answer 1

T-G-I-F ....vs.... S-H-I-T

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   A business man got on an elevator.

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   When he entered, there was a blonde already inside

&gt; who greeted him

&gt;   with a bright, &#039;T-G-I-F.&#039;

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   He smiled at her and replied, &#039;S-H-I-T.&#039;

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   She looked puzzled and repeated, &#039;T-G-I-F,&#039; more

&gt; slowly.

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   He again answered, &#039;S-H-I-T.&#039;

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she

&gt; smiled her biggest

&gt;   smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, &#039;T-G-I-F.&#039;

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   The man smiled back to her and once again,

&gt; &#039;S-H-I-T.&#039;

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   &quot;T-G-I-F means &#039;Thank Goodness It&#039;s Friday.&#039; Get

&gt; it? duuhhh...&quot;

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   The man answered, &quot; Well, S-H-I-T&#039; means

&gt;

&gt;

&gt;   &#039;Sorry, Honey, It&#039;s Thursday&#039;.&quot;

Answer 2

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said &quot;I&#039;m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,&quot; and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, &quot;I&#039;m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.&quot;

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, &quot;My son, I&#039;ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.&quot;

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, &quot;Not to worry, Father. The &#039;smartest man in the world&#039; just took off with my back pack.&quot;

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

&quot;Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?&quot;

The blonde said, &quot;How about 50 dollars?&quot; The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man&#039;s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, &quot;Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?&quot;

The man replied, &quot;She should. She was standing on the porch.&quot;

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

&quot;You&#039;re finished already?&quot; he asked. &quot;Yes,&quot; the blonde answered, &quot;and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. &quot;Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. &quot;And by the way,&quot; the blonde added, &quot;that&#039;s not a Porch, it&#039;s a Ferrari.&quot;

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,

he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write &quot;Spaghetti&quot; on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

&quot;Honey,&quot; she said, &quot;you received a very strange post card today.&quot;

&quot;Oh, just give it to me and I&#039;ll explain it later,&quot; he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written &quot;Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.&quot;

These are some of my faveriouts from

http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/

Answer 3

Confucius say baseball wrong, man with 4 balls cannot walk.

Answer 4

Why was the number 6 scared?

Because 7 8 9.

Sometimes I wonder why that frisbee is getting bigger.

Then it hits me.

The police are on the lookout for a suspect who is attractive, funny and intelligent.

Your ugly *** is safe but where should I hide?

Haha hope you like them :)

Answer 5

i&#039;d give you a good answer but i&#039;m to lazy to

Answer 6

hahaha!that made my day:

so 3 men are abandoned on a deserted island as there plane crashed there. they miss there families alot. one day a genie appears and says do you want to see your families? they all said yes yes! estatically. the genie said each of you go into the jungle and collect 10 of a fruit and come back to me then i&#039;ll tell you what to do.

So the first man comes back with 10 apples the genie says stick them up your butt with out making a facial expression or a sound and you can go home if you don&#039;t i&#039;ll kill you. on the 3rd apple he winced and was killed.

The second man came back with 10 grapes and on the 9th grape up his butt he started laughing and was killed.

In heaven the first man said to the second man WHY DID YOU LAUGH!? you could&#039;ve got back to your family!

the second man said.. i saw the 3rd man coming with pineapples.

or this one:No Speaka de English?

A bus stops and 2 Irish men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation that seems to be English.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

&quot;Emma come first. Den Oi come. Den two asses come together. Oi come once a more! Two asses, they come together again. Oi come again and pee twice. Then Oi come one lasta time.&quot;

The lady can&#039;t take this any more, &quot;You foul-mouthed s*x obsessed pig,&quot; she retorted indignantly. &quot;In this country. We don&#039;t speak aloud in public places about our s*x lives.

&quot;Hey, coola down lady,&quot; said the man. &quot;Who talkin&#039;abouta s*x? Oi &#039;m a justa tellin&#039; my frienda how to spell Mississippi.&quot;

$5.00 says you&#039;re gonna read this again!!!

but i like this one too:

Why did the blondes want to sit in the first row of the theater? Because they wanted to see the movie first.

or

Three men were on a plane and one had an apple, one had a pear, and one had a bomb. The plane started to have problems because it was carrying too much stuff so they tossed out some stuff including the bomb, the apple, and the peach. After this, a guy was driving around and saw a little boy crying. He stopped the car and asked the little boy why he was crying. The little boy said that a pear fell out of the sky, hit his puppy, and killed it.The man gave him a new puppy and went on driving. Next he came to a little girl who was crying. He stopped and asked why she was crying. She said that an apple fell out of the sky, hit her kitten on the head, and killed it. The man gave her a new kitten and went on driving. He then came to a blonde who was laughing hysterically and asked what was so funny. She said that she farted and blew up a building.

or

One day a blonde went to get her hair done. When she got there, the lady said she would have to take her headphones off. The blonde refused to do so and said she would die if she took them off. The hairdresser finally wrestled the headphones off of the blonde and went to work on her hair. When she finished, the blonde was dead. She quickly called the cops to come investigate. They found the tape(that was still playing) and it was saying &quot;Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

The study

The study documented regional differences in humour, as well as variations between the sexes. According to its results, men preferred more aggressive jokes, as well as sexual innuendo, while women preferred word play. Wiseman points out that this is the joke that the most people found reasonably funny, and that it would be unreasonable to expect any joke to be universally judged superior to all others.

The aim of the research was to shed some light on how the brain works.

The experiment was conducted in Britain, where researchers solicited people around the world to contribute jokes as well as judge them. At the conclusion of the experiment, the scientists had evaluated over 40,000 submitted jokes and tallied nearly 2 million votes.

[edit] The jokes

The winning joke, which has been attributed to Spike Milligan,[2] was submitted by Gurpal Gosall of Manchester:

“ Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn&#039;t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, &quot;My friend is dead! What can I do?&quot;. The operator says &quot;Calm down. I can help. First, let&#039;s make sure he&#039;s dead.&quot; There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says &quot;OK, now what?&quot; ”

The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool:

“ Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. &quot;Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.&quot;

&quot;I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes&quot; exclaims Watson.

&quot;And what do you deduce from that?&quot;

Watson ponders for a minute.

&quot;Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?&quot;

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

”

While this was the top joke in the UK:

“ A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: &quot;That&#039;s the ugliest baby that I&#039;ve ever seen. Ugh!&quot; The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: &quot;The driver just insulted me!&quot; The man says: &quot;You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I&#039;ll hold your monkey for you.&quot; ”

In Australia the top joke was as follows:

“ A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: &quot;Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What&#039;s WRONG with me, Doctor!?&quot;

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: &quot;Well, I can tell you that there ain&#039;t nothing wrong with your eyesight.&quot;