I need some good jokes to tell?

Question

i need some good jokes to tell in the oub after work, any ideas?

please post new ones not just the same stuff...i've already used most of them lol!

Answer 1

I hope these jokes are acceptable

whats should you do after having a baby?

turn it round and have it from behind

a duck walks into a police station and says 'i'd like to report a crime'

the police officer, after overcoming the shock of meeting a talking duck, says 'o.k, what's the offence'

the duck replies 'i'e been blowing bubbles in the lake'

the officer doesn't see why this is a crime, but the duck insists on paying a fine, so he makes him pay a fine of $50

a few hours later another duck walks in, and say the same thing, tha he'd been blowing bubbles in the lake and wanted to pay a fine. So the officer makes him pay $50 aswell

Then another duck walks i and says 'i'd like to report a crime'

'let me guess' said the officer 'you've been blowing bubbles in the lake'

the duck replies 'no sir, i'm bubbles!'

Answer 2

ummm this one aint amazin but if u like it then maybe your friends will.... here it goes....

what do you get if u got nutts on a wall.......

A: wallnutts

What do you get if you got nutts on your chest....

A: Chestnutts

What you got if you get nutts on your chin......

A: A mouth full of C.....k

Answer 3

YO MAMA IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAT she fat

Answer 4

there`s a lady in a big red hat who where.

Answer 5

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea/diarrhoea, does that mean the 5th person really enjoys it?  

Answer 6

These 3 ladies were sitting on a park bench talking.....first lady says...."My husband bought me a brand new car for my birthday and I drive all over town showing it off"...3rd lady says..."that's nice....that's so very very nice"....2nd lady says..."well my husband bought me a fancy new fur coat and I walk all over town showing it off"...3rd lady says...."that's nice....that's so very very nice"...so the first 2 ladies say"..well what did your husband get you"...and she replies..."he sent me to charm school".....Charm School.....what did you learn there?....3rd lady says....I learned to say That's nice....that's so very very nice instead of F--K  You!!! lol lol

Answer 7

"how do you know when a blonde's been on a computer"

"There's tip ex on the screen

Answer 8

A guy walks into a bar and goes to the bartender, and says, "I bet you $50 that I can pee in that shot glass" and he pointed to a shot glass, about twenty feet away. The bartender, feeling like this is a good way to make fifty bucks so he agrees. The guy pulls down his pants, and pees all over the bar, but misses the shot glass he was aiming at. The bar tender was laughing his head of the whole time. He turns to the guy and says "pay up!" the guy says ok and walks over to a group of people and collects some money and comes back a nd gives the bartender $50. The bartender asks why he got money from those other people and the guy says "I bet them $1000 that I could pee all over your bar and you'd just laugh about it!"

Answer 9

“Did you hear who got back together after all the sh*t between them?!?!”

“Your butt cheeks”

Answer 10

(1)

How do you keep a blond busy ?

Sit her down in a room and give her a piece of paper that says turn over on both sides!

(2)

A man goes to a doctor.

And the doctor asks what is the problem ?

The man says every where I touch is sore!

The doctor touches his leg and asks: is that sore ?

The man replies: no.

The doctor touches his arm and asks: is that sore ?

again the man replies: no.

The doctor picks up the mans finger and says is that sore ?

the man replies: yes.

Answer 11

q) what do you do if a bird poops on your windscreen?

a) dont take her out again

HAHA

The 7 dwarfs were in a bath feeling happy, so happy got out and left

HAHA

The magic tractor was driving down the road and turned into a field

HHa......Ha...

q)why did the toilet paper rol down the hill>

a) to get to the bottom

HAHA

Answer 12

I met somebody the first time his greeting was before I see you I know you.

Answer 13

wwe

Answer 14

okay i hope you like aussie jokes...Bruce calls into see his mate Robbo who has a broken leg.

Robbo says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No worries," Bruce says, and he runs upstairs and there are Robbo's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"G'day girls, your Dad sent me up here to Do ya both."

"p**s off ya liar!".

"I'll prove it," Bruce says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Robbo?"

"Of course ya idiot, , what's the use of f%*#in' one?"

i have many many more

Answer 15

2 men walk into a butchers.  One says to the other, "I bet you £10 I can kick that bit of meat hanging from the ceiling.".  Other man replies "No way, the stake is too high!".

Answer 16

One of my favorites:

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots.  The bartender lines up the glasses and pours 10 shots.  Then boom, boom, boom, one right after the other the man downs all 10 shots.  Amazed, the bartender asks, "How can you drink like that?"  The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I have."  "What do you have?" the bartender asks.  The man grins and and says "A dollar."

Answer 17

A man called manjipa comes to heathrow airport requesting a lisence to live in England. So the heathrow worker thinks about it and says very well i will let you live in England if you can answer two simple questions.

1. Can you name three different colours?

Manjipa thinks about it and replies, '' pink,yellow and green''

The heathrow worker then asks the second question, can you use those in a sentence?

Manjipa thinks about it for a while and then replies, '' when the phone goes green green i pink it up and say yellow this is manjipa.''  

Answer 18

two nuns are biking down a cobble stone street. first nuns says tot he second nun:

"you know, i've never come this way before"

to which the second nun smiles and says, " i know. it's the cobble stones".

Answer 19

Yahoo jokes are great!

And here are some good jokes:

What do bubbles hate?

Pop quizzes!

What do you say if you get in trouble for not doing your homework?

I can't get in trouble for something i didn't do!

What do you say when you are late for school?

I'm not late for today, I'm early for tomorrow!

Where did John go when he lost his hand?

To the second hand store!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!

Answer 20

Hello, that's you, Abe?

- Yes, dis is Abe...

- It doesn't sound like Abe

- Vell, dis is Abe all right.

- You're positive it's Abe?

- Absolutely.

- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me fifty pounds?

- Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called...

Answer 21

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

Answer 22

The best Knock Knock joke

You say, I know the best Knock Knock joke but quickly tell them that they start it.

They say "knock knock"

You say  "who's there"