I need some help! Has anyone out there not known they were adopted until they were at least in their teens?

Question

If so...what were your thoughts about not being told? Were you glad? Angry? Is it ever right to hide that from someone?

Answer 1

I was 11 when I found out. My dad married my bio mom and he adopted me at 1 yr of age.  I do not know if they ever had any intention of telling me, for I found out accidentally.  It was horrible!

I was confused, scared and had lots of questions.  My dad had a talk with me later that night, reassuring me he loved me so much he wanted me as his own.  We never spoke of it again. It is like an unspoken law not to talk about it.  I am now 35 and I have since met my bio dad and half brother.  I never told my dad that I met my bio dad, I feel he would percieve it as almost a betrayal to him. I  feel adoption should not be kept from the child.  It has put a lot of responsibility on me as far as protecting my dads  feelings and I cant share with him my experiences of meeting my bio dad.  Even simple things like my own childrens baby book,  the family tree is still blank on my side, it is a dilemma for me.  I want my kids to be able to trace their roots someday, yet I am not ready to explain yet (only because they may accidentally say something to Papa)

In summary, I was hurt, angry, sad, confused.  I now just have regret.  I just wish it could be out in the open.  It is quite a burden not being able to talk about it openly.

Answer 2

I knew virtually from day one.  I don't know a time when I didn't know I was adopted.

Now, my grandmother was a different story.  She didn't find out she was adopted until she was almost 70 and she had to get her birth cirtificate from where she was born in Scotland so that she could leave Canada and go back there and visit.  She hadn't been back "home" since she was 15 and she came to Canada at a time when we were all British Subjects and no passport or travel papers were required.  

She was devastated.  Not so much because she was adopted but because she had grown up working in the home of a wealthy British Lord and she found out that she was actually the illegitimate daughter of the Lords daughter.  She was essentially working as a servant in her own grandfathers house when her adoptive mother, the maid in the house, adopted the her so that the Lord could avoid having an illegitamte grand daughter.  

She was never upset about being "cheated" our of any sort of wealth or even the fact that she was working in the house of her own birth family.  She was more upset because she had never known until it was too late to find out anything more about where she came from and what her family history was.  to the best of my grandmothers knowledge, and I've never been able to find anything either, the Lord's daughter was an only child who never married or had any more kids.  As a result, the family line died out and my grandmother could never find out anything more.

Because of all of the above I am dead set against keeping an adoption from the adopted party.  It does more harm then good to keep it a secret.

Answer 3

im not adopted, but i was almost in my teens when i found out my dad is adopted. i really want to find his real parents but he doesnt. its tough cuz i cant do anything bout it.

Answer 4

I can't answer your question from personal experience, as I am not adopted, but I just wanted to add my opinion to the mix, if I may. I'm sure different people have different views on it, but I don't believe that it's ever okay to hide something like this from a person. It's too big and too important, and not to know can cause so many problems. They need to know from the start that they are just as much a part of the family as anyone else and they are loved, no matter what their genes may say. I'm only 16, but I plan on adopting some day. It just feels right for me, and I've always felt that way. I can never imagine keeping something like that from someone--they have a right to know where they came from, as everyone does.

Answer 5

knowing i was adopted was hard to come to tearms...but i was not angry at all. well my situation was that before my mother gave birth to me my farther was in a head on colision died instantly and my mother died giving birth to me, i am a bit confiused as to why people out side my family adopted me but am thankfull that i am for all i know i could of been who knows where all i know is that my parents now love me and i them and they looked after me from day one and everyother day they helped me when in need thats what a parent is and thats them...

Answer 6

I hope this hasn't happened to you, however, if it has, some people aren't educated about adoption like they should be.  Even in the past few years, forums like this make it pretty easy to learn about how adoptees feel, how the "normal" ways to tell kids should be etc.  Years ago, some people just raised kids as their own, and never told anyone.  For people in their 60's, births were done at home, and they'd just write down the day of the baby's birth, and present the Bible at the offices needed to get birth certificates.

Ask the parents involved about what happened, or if you are the parent, tell the child what happened.  I truly believe that adoptive parents don't do this to their kids to be mean or anything.  I think they do it because they wanted a child of their own so badly, and when they adopted, they never told the child so the child would pass as their own, and be theirs, thinking heart and mind both.  I also agree that this is wrong, and that children should grow up with adoption as part of their vocabulary.