I need some more input on this poem.?

Question

Yeah I just chose the best answer but am again in need of reposting, this is part of an english assignment and I need feedback, ideas, anything you have to offer. Even interpretations. It's part of an Online course final Thank you!

She walked away with nothing left

Broken, beaten

Heart, shattered like plate-glass.

She wanders helplessly

She's alone, no one's there

Entering into a h**l like abyss

She feels as though shes dreaming

Sauntering, falling

She freezes within the fire

No words, no sound, she's alone

Leaving a hellish nightmare

She escapes to the unknown

Her blind eyes scream in silence

Pleading, threatening, longing to escape

A world with no regrets

She continues on

Never looking back

The fear controlling her every thought

Her heart controlling her every move

She knows no different

She continues to follow the enemy

Around and 'round, until she falls onto the ground

In that final moment, She'll finally see

The only enemy she had

Was me.

BreeAnna Bodkin

(Copyrigh 2008)

Answer 1

That's really good.  ^_^

I think you should move Heart in the first stanza up a line (so it's "beaten heart, shattered like glass"), or add a comma after beaten and remove the one after heart (so it's "broken, beaten, heart shattered like glass").  As it is, that part is hard to follow.  

Also, I think you should not use "h**l like" and then "hellish."  I'd suggest you keep "hellish" for "abyss" and find another word for nightmare.  Maybe something like dreadful, infernal, or wicked.

I noticed you used a couple of periods, but for the most part didn't.  You should try to make it more consistent.  Either use a period at the end of every sentence, or just don't use them at all.  I think this particular poem could work either way.  

I like how you didn't use any rhyming until "see" and "me."  

Good luck with your assignment. ^^