I need some one to proofread my paragraph and maybe give me ideas..?

Question

On one fine evening, a boy named Roy was minutes away from finding out his American College Test (ACT) score. " What if I messed on the Mathematics section?" Mark wondered. The above tale can be described as a classical example of "atelphobia." According to the American Psychology Association, atelphobia can be best characterized as having extreme fear of being imperfect. Similar to Mark am a perfectionist, I hate being wrong at any time. Just by reading the above information it's obvious that my biggest fear in English Composition 101, or any other class, is being imperfect.

Answer 1

Roy/Mark?? was minutes away from finding out his American College Test (ACT) score. He couldn't help but wonder if he had messed up on the Mathematics section. It had been bothering him ever since he took the test months ago. He knew he had done extremely well on the verbal portion of the test, but all he could think about were the potential errors on the mathematics portion. This experience is a classic example of "atelphobia," the fear of being imperfect according to the American Psychology Association. Similar to Mark, I am a perfectionist, and I hate being wrong. My biggest fear in English Composition 101, or any other class, is being imperfect.  

Answer 2

This isn't bad.  Here are some small corrections:

Roy was minutes away from finding out his American College Test (ACT) score. He knew his previous test scores in math were all excellent, yet he wondered:  "What if I messed up on the mathematics section?"  This fear is a classical example of "atelphobia."  According to the American Psychology Association, atelphobia can be best characterized as having extreme fear of being imperfect.

Like Mark, I am a perfectionist.  I get angry with myself whenever I am wrong.  Just by reading the above information, it's obvious that my biggest fear in English Composition 101, or any other class, is being imperfect.

(I haven't checked the dictionary for the spelling or definition of atelphobia.  I'm assuming you've done that already.)

Answer 3

"Similar to Mark, I am a perfectionist."  (you forgot a comma and "I")  and which is it?  Mark or Roy?  or two different people?  that doesn't make sense.  

Also, if you are going to be talking about a phobia (which is an extreme, irrational fear) you should describe Mark or Roy in more detail.  Just wondering about how you did on the ACT's is normal, you need to include irrational, compulsive thinking with your character.