I need some parenting advice please ......?

Question

I am the aunt.... My sister needs the advice.... My sister is aware that she has caused this situation and would like to know what she can do now. She has a boy 8yrs old and a daughter 4yrs old. The kids don't listen to her or show much respect to her because she pretty much has given in to them always. She is always negotiating with them. Buying them something when they go out as a comprimise for good behavior. She thinks she is making them happy and in her mind is always trying to achieve that. So the kids walk all over her. Her husband gets the respect ...they listen to him for the most part becuase when he does play with them he does not let them do what he does not want them to and has always had a stern way with them.************* What can she do to re ain respect and control over them? *********** Thanks

(((((example ...my nephew is butting heads with her constantly say things like ... your the meanest mommy ever.....you never play with us....you don't love us))))

Answer 1

She is just going to have to show them who is boss. Be stern and stick to her guns. They only call her names b/c they KNOW it will make her do what they want. She is going to have to sit down and make a list of "THE RULES"  explain them to the kids and most importantly ENFORCE THEM. Time out works for ALL ages. 1min per 1yr of life. 4 yrs 4 min, 10 yrs, 10min. She is the mom and they need to understand that.

Answer 2

She should sit them down and say that she loves them very much but that there are going to be changes made...she can tell them that she is not going to buy them things as bribes anymore, but (maybe) rewards for consistent good behavior after 1 week or 2 weeks She need to lay out clear concise rules and consequences and she needs her husband to back her up. The kids need to know that he backs her up on this. And MOST IMPORTANT...she can't give in...the minute they see she is giving in they will no longer respect her....just like now....she needs to be strong and NOT give in....her son is saying mean things but he's 4yrs old and doesn't mean it...he's just saying it toget what he wants. He knows it has worked in the past. If he says" I hate you" then she can say "ok honey,but I still love you" then move on with the discipline.

Answer 3

Put her foot down now. Start to punish them the first time everytime. No bribing, no warnings, no next time, no nothing. She is going to have a hard road ahead, but if she hangs in there she can turn this around. Punishment can be timeouts, taking away and donating their stuff, etc etc. And make sure hubby is backing her up.

Answer 4

she needs to stop what she is doing, it will be way harder then it would have been if she didnt do it in the beginning, but if she is consistent, then they will eventually get it and start respecting her. it will take awhile, but in the long run it is way worth it. she doesnt want to continue letting them do this, cause it will only get worse.

Answer 5

Same thing happened. I know your position (only I was the Uncle)  Mom has to lay her foot down.  The kids need to respect their mom.  She isn't going to get it by being soft, especially if the kids are aware of how to exploit it.  The Dad sounds like he gets respect because he earns it, and is consistant in his punishments.  The kids know Dad will carry out his punishments, Mom, well...lets talk about it....and she folds.  Smart kids though.  Good Luck!

Answer 6

Everyone above me has good answers.  She also needs to talk to her husband and get advice from him since he is obviously doing something right.  He also needs to step in when he hears them backtalk her and demand that they respect their mother.  If they see that mom and dad are on the same page, and that neither one will put up with that c**p, and they can't play them against each other, they will get better.

Answer 7

Best way is cold turkey...change the rules and demand respect.  There should be no negotiating at that age.  The 4 year old will only follow what the 8 year old does.  Back talk should be severely punished.  Parenting is a dictatorship...not a democracy.

That being said...she also needs to make sure that she does take the time to be involved with them.  Parenting is not only about making rules...but spending time with them and having fun with them.  My parents were very strict...but that's all they were.  The only time they talked to me was if they were telling me to do something.  I'm not close with them at all now, but I never disrespected them or talked back.  You need a balance of both.

Answer 8

When my kids say things like that to me I say "Okay", and walk away.  I have never negotiated, we set rules from day one and the rules are either obeyed or the kids don't earn their privliges.  My oldest is now going through puberty and has at times told me she "hates" me.  I simply tell her that the line forms on the right and she will have to stand behind everyone else who shares that hatred.   What your sister is doing is trying to "buy" her kid's love and it isn't working (never does)She needs to stop and start disciplining them otherwise she's going to have teen agers who look at her an laugh when she tries to set rules later on.

Answer 9

She needs to start all over.  Forget the way she has been relating to the kids, she knows it doesn't work so now it is time to start with plan B.

The kids are not going to change and start to respect her overnight.  For all these years they have been able to push her and control her into doing what they want and it will take awhile before they see she is the adult and it is what she says that matters.  Pick the battles wisely.  Start with the one thing that bothers her the most, lets say it is the always buying things to get good behavoir.  Instead just tell them before go into the store she is not going to be buying anything today they have enough toys and go in and get what she needs and leave.  When they start to throw a fit ignore them and move on to the next item she needs, or tell them if they keep it up they wont come with her the next time.  Whatever she does though she will have to be consitant with them.

Don't always make dad be the one to play.  Give the kids the choice of clean your room and then we will go to the park.  If they dont clean they dont go even with dad.  It will help them to learn some responsibility and you can have fun and work both.  Watch dad and how he relates to the kids and follow the example that he sets.  The kids respect him so what is he doing different.

Talk to the hubby and get his help on it.  I am sure he doesnt like seeing his kids treat mom this way but knows she lets it happen and doesnt know what to do.  The two of them make a plan and stick to it.

Answer 10

Play interactive therapy.  If she does not get it under control by age 9 it will be almost impossiable for them to change behavior.  I went through this myself and proffesionals are who told me this.  The therapy really works if they are willing.  My daughter has adhd and it helped with her.