I need some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. . . ?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 4 1/2 years, married for 1 1/2. After my father dies a few months ago, I realized that the situation I am in isn't exactly healthy. Over the last few years, he hasn't been able to hold a job for very long--either he gets fired (after 9 months and 1 year), or he quits for some reason pertaining to me (I didn't want you to get jealous of the other girls I work with etc.). On the other hand, I've been working continuously for the last 5+ years, sometimes working 60+ hours a week trying to support our family. We have a child (2 yrs) and while I have been working, he plays video games constantly and doesn't keep the housework up. We've had dishes sitting in the sink for over a week many times because he wouldn't do them, and I didn't have time (working 60+ hours a week....yeah).

So, after my father died, he started telling me things like how my dad "chose" him to guide me through life, how he was my dads favorite, and my dad wanted him to have a lot of this stuff that was left for my siblings and I to sort through. I am also inheriting a large insurance policy and my husband had that completely spent in his head before I even got the paperwork!

I guess my problem is that I'm tired of having to support my family by myself and not having anything except a husband who has a PS3, awesome computer, and better clothes than me, while I'm wearing goodwill, shoes that are falling apart and having to put my stuff on hold so I can support him. (I didn't mention that last winter we went without propane for heat because he couldn't get off his bum and find a job...)

So I am leaving him. I've been staying at my moms for the last week with our daughter while trying to get back on my feet, get back into college, and make plans for a divorce.

I just want some reassurance that I am doing the right thing by leaving him. I'm just trying to make sure that my child knows that its not ok to not help support your family and that people should do better by each other.

Any thoughts, opinions, feelings, comments, queries, quandries, bad jokes would be appreciated!

Answer 1

Leaving a marriage has got to be one of the hardest choices a person ever has to make in their life. You could go to counseling, which costs money that you'll have to pay since he can't. But that would be the only way that you knew that you gave it every chance. Your insurance might cover a certain number of visits if you want to try that. Unfortunately, love isn't enough. Love doesn't pay bills and love doesn't turn the heat back on.

If you're really going to go through with it, you need to get a lawyer and make a separation agreement. Also, don't take out the inheritance money until after that separation agreement is signed. When you go to get divorced anything that was yours in the marriage is also his and he could fight for it. That includes money that was directed to you.

Good Luck~

Answer 2

more power to you for making what must be a very painful and difficult decision. you are doing the right thing and i love the lesson that you are trying to teach your daughter. no matter what he says or does DO NOT go back to him even though he may try to get you back by saying that he has changed. people like that do not change. he might for a little while but eventually he will revert to true form. many blessings to you and to your daughter.

Answer 3

I think that you are doing the best thing for you and your daughter.

I was in a situation like that, I was supporting a bf who hardly worked, and I made his cc bills, etc. You are smart for leaving because you are trying to do good with your life, and he is just thinking that  he is going to have a free ride. And it's good for your daughter also, because you don't want to rise her to think that the woman should support the man. Don't get me wrong, women and men have their place in a relationship, but one needs to understand that a relationship is 50/50 not 90/10.

Answer 4

Well the question is do you still love him despite his absolute lack of taking any responsibility for his own income or providing support for you and your child ? If you don't leave, if you do lay down some firm changes you need to see if your to stay together. You'll get alot of tough talk from people its your choice in the end.  

Answer 5

He hasn't been doing right by you for the past 4 years so why you worried if you are doing the right thing!  He didn't even care to provide for his own daughter so that should tell you a lot!  I wouldn't even feel a little bad for this total loser!  Good Ridiance!!!    

Answer 6

Well from what you've said, i believe you are making the right choice.. For you AND your daughter.  :) Keep up the good work, and way to be a great mommy!

Answer 7

HE WILL NOT CHANGE!

If you want a better life for you and your child, leave his sorry azz and NEVER look back unless you want to support his LAZY AZZ FOREVER!

You do not need this loser.

Dump him.

Answer 8

i can't tell you if you're right or wrong.if you feel that you exert enough to make him realize his responsibilities and he  still ignores you.then you have to consider other options that will benefit you and your child.

Answer 9

I think without a doubt your doing the right thing. Be careful about your inheritance though, get a good lawyer, he may try and take it.  

Answer 10

Yes you are doing the right thing a marriage is a partnership and he is not carrying his load. You would be a fool to continue to give a 110%

Answer 11

Sounds like you are doing the right thing to me. Your child will respect your decision once they grow up and see the man their father is. If you are doing it on your own anyway you might as well give yourself the chance to find a real loving supportive man!

Good luck  

Answer 12

he doesn't seem to appreciate all u do 4 him...u need 2 move on and find some1 or something that's helping u further ur and ur child's future.

Answer 13

no need stress yourself out.. just do what you have to do and don't look back but first , ask yourself...... Can I live this life another 10 years ?

Answer 14

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulder and that you are doing what's right for you & your girls. You have had enough - so let it go.  Sorry to hear about your dad, but as you know, life is too short.  It's time for you to be happy.

Answer 15

You will find happiness in the arms of another

What are you doing this weekend?  LOL

Answer 16

Hun, you are doing the right thing. It is never easy to leave a relationship even if it is not a good one. First of all, so sorry for the lost of your father. It appears as if your father's deaf was a wake up call to you to how short life is for anyone of us. You are right is saying the relationship with your ex boyfriend was not a healthy one. He basically was an immature little boy who wanted only to use you for your kindheatedness. Leave him so you can find a man who will appreciate a kind woman as yourself. You sound to be struggling to do what is right for you and I commend you on that. Keep stepping forward and move on from this guy as he was not good for you. Good luck to you!

Answer 17

You are doing the right thing because your child is seeing your interaction with your husband and it's not healthy.

Don't waste your energy condemning him because what you condemn in him you can attract in someone else. Never ever condemn your soon to be ex to your child. Your child will respect you in the long run because he will seem like the bad guy if he bad mouths you.

You deserve someone who will contribute to your household (if you should choose to have someone). Take your time and don't move too fast into someone new. Date and enjoy your life but look for the warning signs of a mooch.

You have realized that enough is enough and it's time to move on.

Go get a whole new makeover and begin a new stage in your life.

Join a support group if you need to. You don't want to have a misery loves company party either. I have found that some "friends" are not happy unless they see you miserable 24/7. The second you find someone special that does all the right things, they may not be as happy for you as when you sad or angry.  Vent then move on.

You have a lot a good to look forward to. Also, I suggest you find yourself a really good lawyer to protect your assets because he sounds like a gold digger.

Congrats about college. I went back to college when I was twenty-seven. It's more of a challenge when you have a child, but it's worth it in the long run.

You are strong and will survive. Don't close your heart to love and prosperity within your relationship. It is possible. Just keep your eyes on the prize and to get yourself to the college finish line.

Check out the book, The Game of Life by Florence Scovel Shinn.

Answer 18

From what i have read you are defiantly doing the right thing for YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER he ain't nothing but a slimy sleaze bag who can not be bothered to work or clean  you have done the right thing you will find better love in the arms of another but in the mean time just keep thinking about you and your daughters future

Good luck in life.

Answer 19

it sounds like you are doing the right thing. It seems like he is just caught up in himself right now. Maybe he will change once he sees you are serious about this. If you can make it supporting you, your child and him, you can make it without him.. It should be easier once you get passed those feeling.. I hope things get better, and I hope he changes his ways.

Answer 20

Unfortunately you are married to a man that doesn't want to grow up. You are right about your daughter needing to know that it's not right for a man to not take care of his family

Answer 21

YES! Absolutely you are doing the right thing! Who wants to stick around with a man who will not own up to his responsibilities and family?  And what kind of man would let his wife be the bread winner, while he stays home and plays video games? What a loser!  Yes, maybe you love him, and he is the father of your child, but he clearly does not have his stuff together.  And you, my friend, DESERVE MORE! There are other guys out there who would probably love to have you and your daughter in their lives.  They would want to be the leader, or head of the household, and do the right thing for all of you.  

Plus, why would you want your daughter to grow up and watch her father sitting at home playing video games while her mother is out supporting the family?  What kind of role model is that?  AND you say he cannot even do the dishes? He cannot find 10 minutes between the PS3 and bathroom breaks to do the dishes?  

You are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter.  Do not feel guilty, do not take his sorry bum back, and move forward to more of the life you deserve!

Thanks for reading!

Answer 22

Yes you are doing the right thing.  He is just using you and trying to manipulate you to stay with him by bringing up your father.  He will never change and will continue to freeload off you.  Throw him out and be done with it.  Good luck.

Answer 23

If he was not willing to get out and provide for his family equally then really there is not much else you could have done.  

Answer 24

yes you are doing the right thing. this guy wants a mother and a maid, not a wife and family. make sure you get your lawyer to make him pay child support til the kid is 18.... its the law and he has to start working sometime!!

Answer 25

Based on what you have told me...

...you are doing the right thing.