I need some serious etiquette help with my fiance's family!! What on earth should I do?!

Question

Oh, my goodness, I have no clue what to do!! I seriously need help with this one!!

So, let me give you a little detail first- my wedding dress is ivory (more of a "milk white") with beautiful champagne colored accents.

I went with my FMIL to help her pick out the dress she will wear to the wedding a few months ago, and we saw a cute tea length dress that looked great on her, and it happened to be champagne. She seemed really worried about "stepping on my toes" by wearing champagne, and I ASSURED her that I had absolutely no problem with it, and I actually thought it was pretty to have her dress "compliment" mine.

So... fast forward quite a few months down the road...

My fiance and I went to visit his family for the weekend. His mother and sister told me that they were so excited because his little sister picked out her dress for the wedding, and she couldn't wait to show me!! She's 17, so apparently she bought two dresses- one for Prom, and one for Homecoming, and she would be wearing one of them to the wedding so she could get "double duty" out of it. I thought that it was a great idea- hey, get more out of your money, right?! ;)

So, over the course of lunch, they are telling me about how excited they are, and how the dress she decided she is going to wear to the wedding is perfect. Then she starts describing it.... she said it was a long dress (which is fine, although I told her that most people will have more 'cocktail' type, short dresses), then she went on to describe how the dress was a really pretty champagne-ish gold color, so it would compliment my dress (just like my fiance's mother's). I was thrilled that it sounded so pretty, and I kept saying I was so excited about it (I really honestly was). But then, she pulls out the dresses, and OMG the one she's wearing is WHITE.... well... it's an ivory/white- definitely the same color or lighter than mine!! And it only has one very small band of gold along the top, and a few gold embroidered flowers along the bottom. It's strapless- just like my dress, and (as I mentioned before) it's long..... it's a freaking wedding dress!! Later I found out that she even bought it at a bridal botique!! Oh my gosh, I was just paralyzed and SPEACHLESS. I tried to make a few comments about how "Oh, wow, gold on WHITE... what a nice dress. So, are you wearing this pink one to the wedding...? (pointing at her other dress)" And she would just say "Oh, I know, it's beautiful! I love it! I'm wearing this GOLD one to the wedding."

She mentioned that she liked the pink one better, so I tried to convince her to wear that one instead, but my FMIL said "No, she can't wear the pink one, it's too "princess-ish", fluffy, sparkly and obnoxious. We don't want her to out-shine the bride!" UMMMM.... so pink will out-shine me, but the white wedding dress won't?!?! WTF?!

So, then I went and grabbed my fiance, and whispered to him "tell her to wear the pink one, I'll explain later." He walks up, sees the dresses and says "Wow, pretty dresses!" Then I said, "Yes, they are, aren't they, honey? This is the one she's wearing to the wedding (and pointed at the white dress)." Then he said casually "You're wearing a white dress to the wedding?" and she blurts back at him very defensively, "It's gold and champagne, gosh, you're such a man!" Then he walked away...

I have tried many times to convince her to wear the pink dress (or something else all together, because in all honesty, the pink dress is a wedding dress, too... but at least it's PINK! haha). But my FMIL keeps refusing to let her wear the pink one... and won't buy her another one (understandably).

I've made as many "nice" comments as possible, and my fiance has even blatantly made comments about wearing a long white dress to a wedding, and NO ONE seems to get it! They know it's bad etiquette, since his mom made a big deal about her champagne colored dress at first. So why is it suddenly ok for a 17 year old to match the bride?! I just don't get it!

My fiance and I had a serious talk about it in private, and he said that he will talk to his mother if I want him to, but I don't want to get "thrown under the bus" or get made to look like the "bad guy" here. I LOVE his family! They are the kindest people and would do anything for me... and I just don't want it to look like I'm a controlling bridezilla! As silly as it may seem, it will just really upset me if his sister shows up in a wedding dress on my wedding day.

What should I do?! Should I let my fiance talk to his mother about it, and risk me turning into the "bad guy" with them?! HELP!! :/

Answer 1

BOTH of you should talk directly to the mom and daughter at the same time.  This way, no one can misunderstand anything when the issue is presented to the other (such as if you would talk to only the daughter and the daughter then talked to the mom alone something may be lost in the message).

I would explain the concerns with a lot of love and sympathy.  *I* would also not die on this mountaintop.  If the dd and mom still want her to wear the dress, *I* would be disappointed but I would not be so pe'od that it would ruin my relationship with the family.  You'll have enough stress for the wedding and everyone will know who the bride is!

Answer 2

Talk to her. Explain the issue. Tell her it's bad luck for anyone else to be wearing white other than the bride, even if the dress has a little gold on it. IF that doesn't work, tell her you'll buy her a new one!!! (I know it'll cost some extra money, but somethings gotta give!)

This is a difficult situation to be in. I hope all goes well! Good luck!

Answer 3

Wow.  You are the most remarkable bride I have ever known.  You put other peoples feelings before your own and on your wedding day.

She may be 17 but she knew exactly what she was doing when she bought that dress.  

I would have a talk with her if it were me.  I would ask her to wear the pink dress as it would be more appropriate or give her the option of having the dress she bought shortened so it won't look like the bridal dress it is.  

No offense but its your feelings that should matter on your wedding day. Not hers!    So her feelings get hurt.  She will get over it.

I would probably turn into the bad guy.. But thats just me.  I would not be hateful or hurtful. Just straight to the point.  This has nothing to do with what people will say about her or you protecting her.  This is old fashion ediquette.  

You just dont  wear white to someone's  wedding PERIOD!  Even if the bride's  dress is off white, ivory or ecru.  It is just not in good taste.

But then giving your mil permission to wear the dress she chose was opening the door for others to follow.  

I think it would be better for you to talk to her then your husband.  But you could bring him along for moral support.  

Best of luck.  I hope it all works at for you. I truly mean that.  If you were my future dil I would not be offended .  I am sure she won't either.  

You are not a Bridezilla !   Just the opposite.  You are what every mother would love for her son to marry.  A kind, considerate, loving, giving and wonderful woman.  Your mil is very lucky to have you in her family.  

Answer 4

Honestly, I don't think it's that big of a deal.  One of the girls attending my wedding is bringing her 16 year old sister who is wearing a white dress, but I honestly don't think anyone is going to confuse a 16 year old for the bride, they all know who I am!

However, if it's that big of a deal to you, you are just going to have to come out and tell her in a nice, but clear way.  You can't worry about how they are going to take it.  If it really means that much to you, it may ruffle a few feathers, but you will have to just let her know.

Answer 5

I'd take her out to buy a new dress and say something along the lines of "I thought I'd really like you to match the wedding colors somehow so I figured maybe you and I could go shopping for another dress? Just a thought if you'd like to go." She's 17 so she will most likely be up and ready to go shopping for a new dress. Then get her a cocktail dress in a shade close to your wedding colors and maybe even buy her some new shoes to go with it. It will cost some extra money but I would have to say something if my FSIL was wearing a wedding dress, my family would lose respect for my fiance and his family because of the rudeness of it and my mother already likes to run her mouth!

Answer 6

You are going to be married for a long time, so consider this your first test in dealing with his family and take care of this yourself.  Have a quiet talk with FMIL and ask if she wouldn't mind that FSIL wear the pink dress...that you don't think it will outshine you.  

Tell her you are worried that some people might ridicule and gossip about your FSIL, believing that she choose a dress 'similar in style and color to yours' out of wedding day jealousy, when that is absolutely not true and the best way to avoid that is for her to wear the pink dress.

One way or another, you will have shown you are open to discussion and don't 'hide' behind your hubby!

Answer 7

You need to sit your mother in law to be down and read her from the book -- now is the time to set your boundaries.  Mother in laws are used to being the boss of their household!

Tell her straight up that the sister wearing a wedding dress from a wedding boutique to your wedding, showing up looking like a bride, is completely unacceptable to you.  Tell her you're talking to her woman to woman because you don't intend to put your husband in the middle when you and she disagree.  Don't let her interrupt you, she will try.

Explain to her that this is your wedding, and like you said, while you don't want to be a bridezilla, you don't intend to keep silent about something like this that is really bothering you.  Remind her that it is not her or her daughter's wedding, it is yours, and if she cares for you at all she will allow you to make this decision and alleviate your anxiety.  Tell her you don't want everyone at the wedding to talk about her daughter in a negative way, which is how others will view her wearing a wedding dress, like she's trying to play bride at someone else's wedding.  She will most likely be made fun of in the white dress; believe me half my (particularly male) relatives would be cracking up and calling her Bridey Murphy or something.  Since there is a very good alternative, how can she in good conscience refuse you?  This will not be the only wedding sister goes to as a guest, but hopefully it will be the only one where you are the bride.

In closing, tell her the topic of conversation at the wedding can either be "how sister wore the white dress in spite of them knowing you were upset about it and what an awful thing that was to do to a girl on her wedding day", or not, it's up to her.  Public opinion can be a great motivator for mother-in-laws, none of us wants to personify the stereotype!

Tell her you realize it's hard to have another woman in her son's life, but that you're not going away.  Tell her you realize that with two strong, intelligent women there are bound to be conflicts and differences of opinion, but that you hope to be able to resolve them together through compromise or exchange of favors, and never have to resort to open warfare.  (Then she knows you will, and she won't be able to push you in her direction when you don't want to go.)  Tell her you don't want to be one of those couples who move away because the in-laws don't get along with the wife and the husband gets tired of dealing with it.  Make her your friend, tell her the things you like and respect about her.  But don't knuckle under, don't go wishy washy, or she could be running things whenever she's involved for the rest of your married life.

Answer 8

There are some battles in life that we just have to realize are not worth fighting.  It is apparent that you are not going to change anyone's mind, and if you do 'force' her to wear another dress, you will be up sh*t creek without a paddle (as we say in the South :) for years to come.  It's not worth it, Sweetie, and you ARE the bride, you will definitely be everyone's focus on your wedding day, not your future in-law, no matter what.  

There are much, much worse things that can happen and she is only one out of how many guests?  She's 17, and people will consider that she's just immature by wearing a floor length bridal-type white gown to a wedding.  Yes, it's terribly tacky for her to wear, but it looks like you're at an impasse.  Cut your losses now, be yourself and be the gorgeous and wonderful bride that your fiance loves.  Love is patient, love is kind...you know the rest.

I wish all the best on your big day :)

Answer 9

Both you and him need to talk to his monther.  Have him to the talking as much as possible, so get him prepared.  Say that after thiking about teh colors and everyones dresses you both feel more comfortable with his sister in teh pink since the other is very similar toy uor wedding dress and you should really be the only on in a white toned dress on your wedding day.  You wnat to be able to stick out in the pictures a bit more.

Answer 10

I'd say that you've done as much as you can. Yes, it's in poor taste but *she's* the one who will look bad not you. And if I sound a little heartless there, it's because I have limited sympathy for people who will not accept advice. Put her to the side in pictures so it's obvious which one of you is the bride.

I would also recommend making some less "nice" comments. Politely warn her that because her dress looks white (it doesn't have to be white, just look it) she might stand out more than she wants to, however it's up to her.

Answer 11

Why don't you go out and buy her a gorgeous gold shawl.. Or another color that will go with the dress... Have her try on the dress and ohhh and ahhh about how much better the shawl makes it look.  At least this way it will add some color to her outfit..  Also, as for the pics - talk to the photographer - in this day of digital photography it shouldn't be that big of deal to have them tint her dress in the photos...

Answer 12

I had a similar situation come up with my MIL. It's tough b/c you really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or come off like the bad guy. I did something along these lines... say, "that is such a beautiful dress, but to be honest, I think it might be a little lighter than my dress. Can I borrow that to compare?" Then, compare it, so you know how it will look, maybe take a picture, if you think you'll need the evidence. Heck, borrow both dresses, so they can see her pink one won't "outshine" you on your big day (even though that's not what concerns you). Then, sit down over a cup of tea (or cold beer, if that helps), and politely tell them the truth. Emphasize that you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and maybe you're being unreasonable (even though you're not), but you're just uncomfortable having the sis, who'll be in many pictures, wearing a dress that is lighter than your dress (using the pics might help you make your case here). Then say, "Could you please wear the pink dress? You will look beautiful and everyone will be happy." Be direct, honest, and humble about it. Tears, smiles, mushy love stuff won't hurt either.

Answer 13

Being polite is not going to work.

You will have to call your MIL and say:

Dear Teresa,

I wanted to talk to you about your daughter's dress. It's a very nice dress, but it's certainly whiter than mine and I feel uneasy about it. Please understand that I would like to be the only one wearing white on my wedding. I would like for her to reconsider her choice as I really think that the pink one is more appropriate and she can wear the white one to the prom. I thought about it and I decided to tell you and I hope that I do not offend anyone. I really love you and respect you and I do not want to come across as demanding, but this is just a humble request for my wedding day.  I hope that you will understand.

Good luck

Answer 14

Is there anyone they will listen to like a father, brother, sister-in-law, aunt or another sister or something who can back you up on this and say something about how it's not appropriate. I think that there is only so much you can do though. Might not be worth fighting and having them freak out and get angry with you over it. All the guests will think she looks stupid and it's her own fault. 17 is old enough to know better. Regardless of whether or not the mother is encouraging her.  

Answer 15

Oh my God! Ew! Sorry, I'm a bride-to-be also and putting myself in your shoes in this situation makes me shudder. I love my future in-laws too, so I can imagine how awkward the whole thing is! If I was you, I would have my fiance talk to his sister and mom together and just let them know that you're uncomfortable about the white (champagne...whatever) dress choice of the sister....and that YOU don't know HE is talking to them right now. Something like this:

".....Samantha doesn't know I'm talking to you guys and she would be upset if she knew I was, but I just wanted to let you know she is a little upset about the dress that Emily is wanting to wear....traditionally no one but the bride wears white and with Mom also wearing a shade of white, she thinks it might be overwhelming. The only reason I am saying anything is because I want to make sure Samantha gets the wedding she has always dreamed of, even if it's a little detail....and like I said, she doesn't know I'm talking to you..."

Coming from her son/brother won't put you in a bad position and they will most likely appreciate that he is making that effort for your day to be perfect. :) Good luck!

Answer 16

Oh my goodness, just relax.  No one at the wedding, no matter what color dress they wear, will ever outshine the bride.  If anyone even notices (really, people wear some really odd things to weddings these days), they'll just think that she's the one looking stupid or like a silly young girl (which she is)  So don't worry about it.  Don't start a war that will last forever.  Just let it be.    

Answer 17

Obviously you can't control the wardrobe of the guests...that's a bit much. Sure, there is always going to be at least ONE person dressed inappropriately...so what?

Forget about it. If anyone says anything about it being tacky...and trust me, someone will...it's not your problem.

Have a great day and don't obsess over what your future sister-in-law is wearing...she's only 17, for God's sake! Who cares?

Answer 18

Just try to AS NICELY AS POSSIBLE explain that you're a little concerned that her dress looks almost identical to yours. even go as far as saying you might pick out a different dress (even though you never would) i think they might get the hint then. I would try it at least. Good luck!!!