I need somebody to read my story?

Question

i'm an upcoming author (i hope) and i need someone to tell me how good it is. here it is:

Vampire Moon

Prologue

Twilight is a world where the sun never shines. The moon is purple and he sky is red. A few stars are shining at one time.

My name is Iva. I’m an Ice Vampire and my favorite color is blue. I live alone in my castle. Wherever the moon shines my castle will stand.

The moon got its name from this power. Many call it Vampire Moon. Although there is magic, my friend lives in her castle on the moon. Her name, coincidentally, is Moon. She is a vampire as well and like the color white.

It has been said she is evil, but I know better. If she turns evil then I will follow her.

I have a twin sister named Willow. Our mother was a human and our father was a vampire. Willow received the human genes as I the vampire.

Vampires must find a human mate before they turn twenty or they will die. When a vampire drinks their mates blood it gives eternal life to both and bond them forever.

Werewolves, though, must find a demon mate to stay alive. If two werewolves to be mated, then they would tear each other apart when the moon shines full.

A vampire will have a favorite color and it decides what power they have or what type of vampire they are. Moon is an Air Vampire. She can bend air into any form. This simple pattern exists in werewolves and demons as well.

Humans do not follow this pattern. Some humans maintain magic and their favorite color depicts what type of magic they use. Willow likes pink; therefore she can transform into anything she wants.

Moon has already found a mate. His name is Ginji. He likes green and controls weather. I know him well because we were good friends as children.

As for me I have yet to find a mate. I’m eighteen right now so that gives me two more years. Lucky for Moon she is nineteen.

I’m at a tournament that takes place in a desert. If you win, you will get twenty silver pieces and my battle has just ended.

Blade

I sheathed my sword and walked away from the bloody scene. I could hear the whooping of the crowd at my defeat.

Moon walked up to me with Ginji at her side. Both were clad in armor ready for battle.

Moon was the first to speak, “He didn’t have to die. It’s a pity what he paid to be in this tournament.” I scowled at her.

I began to clean my sword and murmured, “Whatever it was he was glad to give it up. Besides, humans are a disgusting race.” Ginji turned red. He defends his race and gets irritated a lot.

He turned to me and yelled, “Humans are no dirtier than vampires are!” I grabbed Ginji by the shoulder and walked with him to the rink.

I could tell he was tense when I said, “If you want to prove it so much why don’t we battle it out?”

Moon ran to stand between us, “No Iva! Somebody must die in every battle. I don’t want either of you to get hurt!” I knew Moon would feel this way. Everyone takes me too seriously anyway.

The announcer broke the silence, “Next up we have the human Ginji! His main ability is controlling weather. He will be fighting the Light Werewolf, Lily! This battle will be weapons only.”

I heard Ginji gulp as he moved to the rink. Lily looked several feet taller than Ginji. Her helmet was in her hand and sword at her waist. She had orange eyes and blonde hair.

Moon rested her head on my shoulder so she couldn’t see. I looked up from my sword to watch the battle. I’m surprised Moon did not know the loser would be revived.

Lily put her helmet on and pulled out her sword. Ginji signaled to the announcer that he was ready. The announcer dropped a piece of cloth to start the battle.

Ginji swung at Lily, but only to hear the clash of metal as Lily blocked the blow. Ginji fell back and Lily took her chance.

She dove at him and Ginji moved just in time. Lily’s sword was stuck in the ground. Ginji did not want to win to a petty failure so he waited for Lily to pull her sword out.

Lily threw another blow at Ginji and his armor snapped. Ginji jumped to the side and stabbed Lily in the back. She fell to the ground and the crowd roared into a cheer.

The announcer called some healers to revive Lily and handed Ginji a bag of twenty silver pieces. Moon ran out to him in tears. Ginji was not prepared for the hug he received and the wind was knocked out of him.

The announcer called out, “Now we have The Air Vampire, Moon, and the Fire Demon, Tarie! This is a magic only battle.

Moon tossed her sword aside and walked to the rink. Demons are quite tall, so Tarie was twice the size of Moon. She signaled she was ready and faced Tarie, who looked quite pale.

I wrapped my arm around Ginji to comfort him as I watched Tarie’s red hair blow into her face. Moon’s silver hair covered her gray eyes. I knew she was focused on Tarie’s yellow eyes.

The battle began and Moon fired gusts of air at Tarie and ducked as Tarie shot flames to block the spell. Moon realized she would not win this battle because air ma

Answer 1

It is too choppy and does not flow well.

You should never give away so much information in the prologue.  It should be just enough to hook the reader into wanting to read more.

You are TELLING and not SHOWING.  As it is, it sounds more like a report than a story.  If you edit it enough to draw a reader in, it could be a very interesting piece.

You're probably not interested in hearing negative comments judging by your defensive responses.  

You do have a few fans, so I suggest you write for them.

Good luck.

Answer 2

it reminds me of a xanga post. it's too, 'here's my life.'

i was bored to tell you the truth.

but hey, that's just my opinion.

good luck.

Answer 3

your very creative .

Answer 4

Immature c**p.  Sorry.

Answer 5

sorry, its too long, an im too tired.

And i kinda dont give a c**p.

Answer 6

this was really really good! but try to make the sentences longer, more showing, not telling ...

I WANT THAT MANGA YOU'RE WRITING !!! :)

GOOD GOOD!!

Answer 7

hmm. good! you're a heaps descriptive. try having longer sentences with more feeling.

but i loove it!

Answer 8

I'm going to be honest, I did not read the whole thing. It's really late. However, it does seem very interesting and well written from what I did read. Does sound sort of.. rushed. Keep at it, it's definatly worthy of a few awards. :)

I love the imagination you have and I love literature. Vampires are awesome.

Maybe a few tips would be, try using a wider ranged vocabulary. Not too complex so it still appeals to a younger audience.

Also imagery. Good writting requires good imagery. Try to paint an image in the reader's head.

And try to rid yourself of repetitive speech. Expecially while attempting imagery. Such as:

"...as I watched Tarie’s red hair blow into her face. Moon’s silver hair covered her gray eyes. I knew she was focused on Tarie’s yellow eyes."

Eyes, eyes, eyes.

Again, elaborate your vocabulary.

We all start off small though, amazing imagination does come first. Learn to put it into words.

Also very similar to the book "Twilight."

Is that where the idea originated?

Perhaps a few changes in the names would be in order.

Answer 9

The title, and the first word Twilight, Just scream Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. Try Changing it up.

Answer 10

your idea is good, and very creative, but your grammar and flow could use a little work

Answer 11

is this an attempted spin off of Twilight?

i dont really ...like it.

Books like twilight go into things, describe them more, not in the way that first graders write:

My friend is Moon. Shes an Air Vampire. She likes the colour white.

Twilight started from the beginning, so the reader can follow on easily.

Your story on the other hand, people need to understand quickly, because it didnt start from the beginning.

Yeah its better suited to manga.

Answer 12

W-O-W....

KEEP ON WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... OMG OMG PLEASE SEND ME A COPY WHEN IT GETS PUBLISHED W-O-W I recommend you read 'Wildwood dancing' by Juliet Marillier its kinda similiar to your book well... very distanly similiar LOL

Answer 13

i think its good draft, but somehow its gets boring... the plot is good, but i think you should make the prologue more interesting, e.g instead of giving all the information about Iva's parents and her sister, give more detail about her appearance, how does a vampire look, pale scaly skin? bloody red eyes? put in some cliff-hangers.. the prologue should be more interesting, well, try to give more information on Vampires as a race, and instead of using words like yellow eyes say something like amber, or sparkling... it needs more depth and the charaters are flatt. they need more personality. and i think you can leave out the information (vampires mate with humans, and werewolfs with demons...etc) out till a bit later, it doesnt really catch the readers attention. i hope iæm not being harsh, i just want to help. i hope you can improve your story, make it very interesting, and make it so that the reader cannot put the story or book down, another tip is to see if you can find some other books on vampires, maybe twilight... or something in that line, just to get some more info on them, and you can also see how the author writes, where she or he puts the information... Hope II helped! Good story! =)

Answer 14

it is very interesting I want to read the rest but it definitely needs some editing. Use more descriptive language and more imagery it is certainly a good work in progress though.