I need to be cheered up. Someone make me laugh? ?

Question

I have a lot happening right now in my life, i keep having bad days& i need today to be a good day. I need to be cheered up first though. Please&thankyou.

Answer 1

I found this kind funny.

me and my family where driving home from a weekend vacation and we passed by a caravan of carnies!!

clowns drink stands midgets...the works

then  if that wasnt wierd enough

we passed by a flatbed truck loaded with BEEHIVES!! 0.o

wre were all screaming ROLL UP THE WINDOWS!!

which really sucked cause the car smelt because my dad spillt gasoline in it when he was getting gas for the boat at the summer home.

Answer 2

  It is not a joke but I think it is kind of funny.

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Answer 3

Have no sorrow, L2B is here to...borrow, the moment (hmm... that didn't sound right)

I got a hilarious one for you. I'll keep editing and posting till you say it's enuf, aight? Hope i make ur day. Here goes

Joke 1:

Cast:

Blind Man - Jackie Chan

Manager - Chris Tucker

A blind man walks into an expensive store with his "Seeing Eye Dog". (The dog is small enough to be lifted in this case) All of a sudden.... the blind man picks up the leash........... and begins swinging the dog over his head!!!!!!!!!!!! (HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Oh my God, excuse me) The manager, seeing this, runs up to the blind man and asks............................, "What the hellll are you doing?!!"

The blind man replies, "Oh............. Just looking around."

(Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahah! That was funny!)

EDIT:

Whoa! Youre really down!

Check this one

Joke 2:

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

EDIT:Try to visualize!!

Joke 3:

A devil worshipper who was travelling in unknown territory in the jungles suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 1000 natives with a look of shock and anger on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Holla!

Joke 4:

I had to go to Switzerland this vacation. But they didn't approve of my passport photograph and the trip is delayed. Can you tell me what's wrong? I think i look good. I followed all the rules.

Here it is-

http://liberty92.files.wordpress.com/200...

http://www.mediaspin.com/images/dnk_befo...

EDIT:

jOKE 5:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Joke 6:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Joke 7:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.



Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks



Joke 8:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”  

Joke 9:

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Joke 10:

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Joke 11:

what's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it hits a windscreen?

Its backside

Joke 12:

A duck walks in to a bar. It looks up at the barman and says "have you got any bread?" The barman looks down at the duck and says "no we haven';t now clear off"

15 minutes later the duck is back. Again he looks up at the barman "Have you got any bread?". The barman is getting annoyed and shouts a bit. "No we haven't now clear off"

15 minutes later the duck is back looking at the barman "have you got any bread?". The barman is rattled now. "No we damned well haven't now clear off and if you come back in here again I will nail your beak to the bar.

15 minutes later the duck is back again. The barman gives him a threatening look. The duck asks, "have you got any nails?" The barman answers "no we haven't", so the duck looks up again "have you got any bread?"

Joke 13:

A well known scientist has an idiot for an assistant. So one day, the scientist says," I'm going out to get some chemical x. You have time till i return, to discover something about a ..........cockroach." The scientist walks out.

The idiot assistant picks up a cockroack and says," Walk!".The cockroach walks. The idiot cuts off 2 of it's legs and asks it to walk. The cockroach manages to. Then the idiot cuts off 3 more. The cockroacH does a little bit of wiggling here and there and moves a few centimetres. Then the idiot cuts off the last leg and says,"Waaaaaaaaalk!!" But the cockroack doesnt budge.

Just then the scientist arrives. The idiot says," Eureka!!! I 've made a discovery!!! When you cut off all the legs of a cockroach.................

(wait for it)

it becomes deaf!!!"

Answer 4

A women one day came into her kitchen and saw her husband standing there with a fly swatter. She asked

him what she was doing and he responded....

"hunting flies" he sayed

"hows it going" she asked

" great! I got 3 males and 2 females!! he replied

" how can you tell?" she asked?

" Well..." he replied " i got 3 on the toilet and 2 on the phone!!!"

Answer 5

What did one plate say to the other?

- Lunch is on me!

Answer 6

have a read of this u may find it funny

Answer 7

Joke 1

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

--------------------------------------...

Joke 2

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his

bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. one for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Answer 8

No jokes, but WHO WOULD LAUGH AT L2B'S JOKE?!!! lol

Answer 9

I hope this cheers you up....here are some home remedies.

>>AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

>>

>>1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE

>>TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

>>

>>2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING

>>THE SINK.

>>

>>3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A

>>FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A

>>TIMER.

>>

>>4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM

>>ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

>>

>>5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE

>>AFRAID TO COUGH.

>>

>>6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN' T

>>MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE

>>DUCT TAPE.

>>

>>7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

>>

>>DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING

>>BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE

>>STAIRS.

>>

>>

Answer 10

i got a couple of jokes try these if they can o the trick~~!!!!!!!!!

joke1

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT THE LORD?"

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!)

And a little voice came out of the box.........

"I heard you the first time.......I'm putting on my shoes!"

joke2

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "s*x". s*x is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took s*x for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for s*x."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for s*x. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for s*x. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had s*x since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have s*x at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But s*x has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around s*x."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having s*x there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for s*x. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for s*x. Then I said, "You don't understand. s*x keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had s*x on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had s*x before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married s*x had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, s*x has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that s*x isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

joke3

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

joke4

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither.

The son asks, "Dad is we poisonous snakes?"

The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?"

"Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"

joke5

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a*****e! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

joke6

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

joke7

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Answer 11

a blond is driving down the road when she sees another blond in a boat on a land of grass. The blond in the car says "You are making us blonds look stupid." "If I knew how to swim I'd come over there and kick your ***"

An old couple are sitting on a bench in the park, then the old lady slaps her husband and says "Thats for 50 years of terrible s*x" They go silent for 5 minutes when the old man slapped his wife and said "thats for knowing the difference"

10 things not to say on Halloween

10. SHE'S A GOBLIN!

9. I'D LIKE TO GET A LITTLE SOMETHIN IN THE SACK TONIGHT.

8. JUST GET ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES AND BOB YOUR HEAD.

7. SHE'S GOT A COUPLE OF NICE PUMPKINS ON HER PORCH.

6. IF YOU JUST l**k IT, IT WILL LAST LONGER.

5. LET ME SEE YOUR BIG SACK.

4. CAN I EAT YOUR ZAGNUTS?

3. HAVE YOUR MOM CHECK IT BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.

2. YOU SCARED ME STIFF!

1. HE'S GOT CANDY SPREAD OUT ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR!

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse instead of on top.''