I need to help hubby be a better step parent?

Question

I dont even know where to start. My daughters 15 and 10 use to love my hubby to death, he's became hateful, very sarcastic to my youngest, and I have had enough. She has an F in Math. She isnt getting it, doesnt grasp it, nothing. So, I'm working with her teachers, and her to get this problem corrected. Because she has an F and because she lied about some worksheets and because she forgot her text book, we grounded her. No phone, no net, no after school playing, no tv. The other night she came home, wrong books of course, and even spent hours on homework that had not even been assigned. Hubby and I decided no "Back to school dance"on Friday because of this. Well the past 2 days, she has brought home her stuff, she is trying harder, her attitude is good, and she is giving me no problems. SO I thought she could go to the dance, but all other punishments stay in place and I told her this without talking to Hubby. So he calls last night, I mention it to him, and he goes off. We hang up with bad air between us, and today it starts all over again. I told him it's not bad to compromise. He went off and said I was a f*cking p*ssy and that the reason the girls dont really want him to come home is because I let them have free run of the house and no rules (which is not true at all), he said if I was not going to listen to him why ask his opinion? I said maybe I shouldnt from now on, he said well if it's going to be like that we'll just divorce. I said whatever, and hung up.....am I over reacting here? I mean it's a 5th grade dance and dances at this school do not happen very often. I've went over my finances and I cant afford to be divorced unless I make some serious modifications and let the SUV go. My kids come first before absolutely anyone, no matter what the situation....I needed to vent and get some advise, so I wanted to talk to ya'll....I'm so freaking mad I'm crying....mad because of the fight, mad because I know I need his money to live a comfortable life. It makes me feel like a total failure as a mother and that cut is deep!!!!

Sorry to ramble on but I just needed to find some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. I know it isnt going to be an instant fix over night.Hubby has no kids and can not have any. The only experience he has is with my girls since 2000. I feel bad saying it but those are MY GIRLS ya know? But yet that isnt fair because they are "his girls" when the check rolls in and he is helping provide for them..... I'm going to let her go to this dance, because he's a trucker and wont be home until late, However if he finds out all h**l will break loose like nobodys business..... any suggestions?

Answer 1

Parents are parents (no matter if they are biological or not).  If he has been raising the girls as his own and treats them as his own, then what is your problem?  Parents should present a united front ALWAYS!!  You should have discussed it with him first.  I would have been pissed at my husband if he went around some punishment I had issued (whether it be against my step-son or my kid).  The thing is my husband feels the same way.  You said it, hubby and I (AS IN YOU) decided to tell her she couldn't go to the dance.  Why then wasn't it you and HUBBY making the decision to change that?

I will let you in on a secret:  kids also know how their parents work.  If you let her go to the dance what does it matter if she is still funking her math class.  She will learn that all she has to do is show more effort than she has and mommy will cave.  The "evil" Step Dad would not.

EDIT:  I was just reading your question about your daughter and her behavior.  You say it is not the first time for her to lie to you.  Maybe that is part of your husbands problems.  Not to excuse his behavior by any means, but if you daughter is going through this new phase maybe your husband doesn't know how to deal with it.  And with him being out on the road a lot that couldn't make it any easier.  Could that be why he has been short with her lately?  I understand your natural reaction is to take up for your child (and it should be), but it there more behind your story that might lead some insight to why your husband's attitude has changed?  With the behavior you stated previously why reward her now?  She has been doing this for a few weeks.  I am not trying to tell you how to rasie your daughter, please don't take it that way.  Those are just the thoughts I have.

Answer 2

Sorry, I gotta say I think you were wrong by going behind his back and changing the punishment. You should've consulted him first before making that type of decision. You are undermining his authority by doing that, you two are married so you should make decisions TOGETHER. You don't want to start a good cop bad cop thing with your kids or they will know who they can play and it will be bad for everyone involved.

Honestly, I think you should wait til you're more calm and you two should sit down and talk. You both owe each other an apology (him for calling you names and freaking out and threatening divorce) and you for going behind his back and changing the decision and then not understanding his anger over it. You should also work on setting some ground rules on punishments for the girls and on changing any punishments (i.e. it should be a mutual decision). So that way you don't have these arguments in the future.  

Answer 3

There is a saying, you date the same caliber person you are.

You proved that today.

He is a selfish husband, and your a golddigging mom.

you both need to grow up.

Also boon below me hit on the spot about parenting.

You decided to marry him, that means you decided that the kids are his too.

If you can't handel that, well do him a favor and leave.

sucks be held responisable don't it?

Answer 4

I know you love your children and they come before anyone but that should NOT mean your husband.  When you married your husband you two became as one.  You need to have a united front with the girls. They do not need to hear you changing the rules when you feel it easier or will make you look better.   If you and your husband laid down the law of how it was going to be - then by golly you stick with it.  You were wrong in agreeing to let her go without first consulting your husband..

Of course your daughter was being "good" she was trying to get you to concede and let her go to this dance.  Guess she won and guess what?  come this Monday when it's back to school and studies, she will do the same thing all over again.  

When you go against your husband with your children, your children pick up the fact that 1) you're easy 2) you don't respect your husband and neither should they and 3) they can continue to s***w up without consequences.  

I think you were wrong an you should apologize to your husband in front of your child and then turn around to your child and say . .I was wrong and your punishment is still in event.  Hard lessons mom build character.    Allowing your girls to run the house and / or make your decisions for them is not healthy for you, your husband, your girls or your relationship with your husband.

It bothers me that you so willingly considerd divorce and would if you could afford it.  WOW.  I feel so sorry for your huband.  Poor man tries to be a part of YOUR family and he is made to feel like an outsider.  His opinions are disregarded however way it suits you.  He is used for his money and the monetary things he can give you i.e. SUV.   You have caused your girls have no respect for him whatsoever and YOU do not see him as a father after all he's only been in their lives since 2000.  Lets do the math here - 1 girl is 10 so he's been in her life since she was 2; 1 girl is 15 so he's been in her life since she was 7.  That's a very long and significant amount of time to be in anyone's life.  Especially at their ages.  

Respect your husband's wishes and DON'T let her go.  She doesn't deserve it and hasn't earned it.  what you're doing is equallivant to telling her she can't have a piece of chocolate cake but letting her have the icing.