okay. a lot of the time i have low self esteem then all of a sudden it boosts and shoots way up and i feel better than everybody. if i put on makeup i feel... i feel very high and on top of the world. i yell at the ones i love and push them til they become upset and then i become upset because i didn't want to do it and i just.. i don't know why. if someone that i know like a family member or friend tells me something like i broke something once, my camera i broke it like 5 times but we have a warrenty and my grandpa said ive never seen someone with such lack of concern for something in my life so i started shaking and like saliva would just drip out of my mouth constantly and i had like i was trying to stop crying but i couldn't stop id just keep shaking really fast and i wanted to stop but my body wouldn't. that happend when my girlfriend left me about 2 or 3 times. i feel the need to hurt her just as much and feel im very smart for people my age. but then i dont want to hurt her cause i love her.. if someone says i dont care or whatever to me i start bawling and crying. i never seem happy anymore.. i feel like everybody always stares at me at school and im concerned what everybody thinks. i cant think in my head because im scared someone will hear my thoughts out in public. when i was little i would drop like.. things that i liked at that moment and i was around 9 or 10 and i did know better but i dropped it to see what happend. sometimes i have the need to let my indoor cat out to see what happens, i have the need to drop my cat out a window to see what happens. i have the need to hold my brother down in a swimming pool underwater to see what happens. i dont like it, i know what would happen but like.. i kept pushing my girlfriend over and over i wanted to see what heartbreak would feel like. what is wrong with me? i dont like hurting people! ive never been like this before! im really a warm hearted person but i cant even hold scissors without thinking of cutting my tongue off or something. i hate horror movies so badly too. i do think about suicide, i do cut myself but i want to cut words because i think theyre pretty and im scared to die. i want to knwo what its like to die and how people would react.. but i dont want to die. my morals change constantly.. i dont know whats wrong.. but i am 14.
do i need medication? my mom had depression but from this guy she was dating and he was married so she took a cigarette on her hand and pushed it into herself over and over. but anyways, yea she has brain damage but that didnt happen until i was about 4. i read that disorders are caused my past... issues but yea.
please don't yell at me and call me crazy or anything or tell me i need to get counseling right away or go to a doctor because im starting to get over these things, but it will take a while. it isnt that worse as it was a few yrs ago.
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