Question:

I need to know what's wrong with me? do i have a personality disorder?

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okay. a lot of the time i have low self esteem then all of a sudden it boosts and shoots way up and i feel better than everybody. if i put on makeup i feel... i feel very high and on top of the world. i yell at the ones i love and push them til they become upset and then i become upset because i didn't want to do it and i just.. i don't know why. if someone that i know like a family member or friend tells me something like i broke something once, my camera i broke it like 5 times but we have a warrenty and my grandpa said ive never seen someone with such lack of concern for something in my life so i started shaking and like saliva would just drip out of my mouth constantly and i had like i was trying to stop crying but i couldn't stop id just keep shaking really fast and i wanted to stop but my body wouldn't. that happend when my girlfriend left me about 2 or 3 times. i feel the need to hurt her just as much and feel im very smart for people my age. but then i dont want to hurt her cause i love her.. if someone says i dont care or whatever to me i start bawling and crying. i never seem happy anymore.. i feel like everybody always stares at me at school and im concerned what everybody thinks. i cant think in my head because im scared someone will hear my thoughts out in public. when i was little i would drop like.. things that i liked at that moment and i was around 9 or 10 and i did know better but i dropped it to see what happend. sometimes i have the need to let my indoor cat out to see what happens, i have the need to drop my cat out a window to see what happens. i have the need to hold my brother down in a swimming pool underwater to see what happens. i dont like it, i know what would happen but like.. i kept pushing my girlfriend over and over i wanted to see what heartbreak would feel like. what is wrong with me? i dont like hurting people! ive never been like this before! im really a warm hearted person but i cant even hold scissors without thinking of cutting my tongue off or something. i hate horror movies so badly too. i do think about suicide, i do cut myself but i want to cut words because i think theyre pretty and im scared to die. i want to knwo what its like to die and how people would react.. but i dont want to die. my morals change constantly.. i dont know whats wrong.. but i am 14.

do i need medication? my mom had depression but from this guy she was dating and he was married so she took a cigarette on her hand and pushed it into herself over and over. but anyways, yea she has brain damage but that didnt happen until i was about 4. i read that disorders are caused my past... issues but yea.

please don't yell at me and call me crazy or anything or tell me i need to get counseling right away or go to a doctor because im starting to get over these things, but it will take a while. it isnt that worse as it was a few yrs ago.

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  1. i'm kind of like that. but not as deep as you to like push someone to know what it feels like to be heartbroken. or to hold someone under the water or stuff. but i'm just a curious person and i'm always asking questions and stuff. like random stuff.

    but you should probably see like a psychiatrist or something. cause that's what i've been thinking about doing.


  2. Depression Deary. Medication isn't exactly a smart thing to do..

    You might get even more depressed.

    Cutting DOES NOT help.

    -.-.. I cut, but i'm stopping.

    Scars are horrible.

    At first I thought words were pretty too.. I craved "sxe" into my right arm..

    Don't commit suicide.

    Doctors... they're scary.. I don't like them or therapist.

    Try talking to friends. That always helps me..

    I dunno, maybe a mental illness? D:

    I wish I could help you more!

    ~Mayy <333

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