I need to tell my daughter i am not her biological dad. She is 5, any ideas on a child friendly way.?

Question

I have been with the wife for 15 years, during that time we split up for 6 months and got back together again we realised soon after she was pregnant. The "Sperm Donner" wanted nothing to do with her and demanded she abort the pregnancy. He refused to sign the birth certificate and nobody knows were he is, although i can not say i am bothered. I dont know or want to know who he is. My daughter is now 5 and unaware i am not her biological dad. I will be adopting her in a few years, but i want her to agree to it. We are in the processes of changing her name by deed poll, but she thinks her surname is the same as ours anyway. I don't believe i should keep it seceret but think i should start allowing her to understand about adoption and step parents etc so when i do tell her she understands better., i don't want her to live her life a lie and resent us for it in the future. She now has a little brother and sister and i dont want her to resent them either. HELP!!

Answer 1

i think you should talk to her very slowly by say i am not you dad i look after you!

Answer 2

if you're in the UK, the child is automatically assumed to be yours since you and the mother were married at the time of the birth (assuming you are actually married). You don't need to adopt her or anything. Surely she has her mother's (and therefore your) surname anyway? Again, in the UK, the mother cannot register the child with anyone else's surname without their being present to register the birth or else having signed their agreement. My kids have their Dad's surname not mine, and he had to be present at the registration. (Bit of a nuisance now, but there you go.)

Answer 3

i salute you....trying for kids and adoption an idea!!!! Go with your instincts....,be open as much as you can. you will always be  the father a piece of paper don't need you to tell you that !!! You sound like a nice and caring person ..extend that....whatever way you can....being a good parent isn't a right a right its a gift!!!!!

Answer 4

Maybe you should speak with a family counselor first about this and how it will affect your daughter. My daughter is 6 and she would understand, but I am not sure she could emotionally deal with it. So, I think you should speak with a professional first and get their opinion on the best way to handle this delicate situation.

Answer 5

you have to tell her the truth and do it now!! i  asked my nana when i was 7 if i was adopted because i worked out i didnt look like the others ! she told me that the guy i thought was my dad was not !! she will one day want to know who her real father is ! find someone for her to contact in the future ! years of drugs and  drinking for me and still no answer! please love her and treat her the same! im older now dont do drugs or drink but hey, thats a road you dont want to go down.

Answer 6

Okay...My mom is not my biological mom and she told me from the start age two.. but since that's not the case with you...I would present this whole thing in a story but tell it in a fairytale sense..like a happily ever after story....so she will understand better...You can tell her that there was a lady who had  baby but guess what?? The daddy of the new baby couldn't be found..no one could find him?? The mommy was worried that the baby wouldn't have a daddy so she married a new guy and asked That he would be the daddy! He could be the one to take care of the baby and love the baby just as much! He was happy to be the new daddy!! And they lived happily ever after..until the baby was five when the daddy found out that he was not official(you can explain to her what you mean by that) he would have to adopt her(you can explain the whole adoption thing then) by adopting her they would live happily ever after!!! And guess who the lucky baby was in th story...that lucky baby is you! and the lucky new daddy was me!

Just bring the new in this sort of sense...but don't just tell her the story and leave it at that, continue  to bring the subject up through her life so she will remember that's what my mother did to me..

Well hope that helped....

Answer 7

in my opinion, i think that at age five, you should not be confusing her with the fact that you are not her biological father. to her, being her daddy is all that you are. right now, she is not worried about things like that. not to mention, she is only five and probably wont even understand what you are telling her.  i think that you should wait a few years.  i mean, what is it gonna hurt?

Answer 8

yeah I would def wait.... firstly, since you are gonna adopt her. and you have been there, you are her dad. wait a couple more years til you tell her. at 5 they will be really confused.

good luck

Answer 9

wow, i feel for you truly and deeply. I would wait until she is a  bit older but if you feel she is ready then good. start slowly  and explain that no matter what "you are daddy" there was always a spanish saying in my family "A FATHER IS NOT THE ONE WHO MAKES, A FATHER IS THE ONE THE RAISES AND LOVE" so be easy when you speak and speak from the heart. and remind her always that her little bro and sis are still apart of her by her mom. i wish i could say more but this is all i have. i hope this was a pat in the back!

Answer 10

Oh wow..that is really sad situation.

it is good though that you are doing the right thing by telling her before she gets older and thinks you've been lying to her all this time. just tell it to her slowly assuring her that she is loved either way..at this age it will be easier but as she gets older she might want to know her biological father. i suggest you wait till then to tell her the cold hard facts(that her father didn't want her). Good luck with that!

Answer 11

Personally I would have said at 5 she was a bit young for this sort of information but you obviously know her best.

Answer 12

Hey bigfella,

Your doing the right thing by telling her now, she will have to know when you start the adoption process, it cannot go ahead unless she knows, my husband is in the process of adopting my son, he is 5 and understands everything, we just told him mummy had a different boyfriend when you were born and he made you but daddy is your daddy, his 'bio' has nothing to do with him, when he's older he will understand the birds and bees and know what we meant but at the minute it was the easiest and child simplest way to explain it.  

By doing it now you will give your daughter enough time to get used to it and she will grow up with you as her daddy anyhow so nothing should change.  Social workers recommend a child is told at a young age so they grow up knowing it and it shouldn't do any damage whereas if you tell a teenager it can cause all sorts of problems.

Contact your local social services trust who will help you on how to tell your daughter

Good luck and I hope everything works out

Kate

Answer 13

I think you should tell her but not right now wait a few years until she's older and is able to understand what you are talking about. Good luck with it and I hope it works out for you. You will have to tell her someday. It's much worse if she figures it out on her own. If you really need to tell her right now then tell her the basics.

Answer 14

This is a tough one. The first thing you have to ask yourself is, Is my daughter equipped to handle such information? If the answer is no, then I would wait to tell her. If the answer is yes, then you need to approach it gently. She's very young, but each child is different. You know her best so you should be able to tell whether or not she's ready.

Tell her that while you didn't help mommy have a baby, you were very happy when she was born. Tell her that she was the most special little girl that you had ever seen and that you wanted to keep her forever. Tell her that you'll always be her daddy no matter what.

Be prepared to answer any questions she may have.

Good luck and I hope everything goes well!

Answer 15

5 is really young to tell her your not her daddy... any maye you just shouldnt tell her at all.. wait till she is much older... you dont want the your not my daddy i dont have to listen to you..

Answer 16

This "Sperm Doner" has been BUSY!!!! Sorry, I am trying to make changes starting now.

Answer 17

I don't think you really need to tell her right now. Her father is the one who raises her. But if you really feel strongly about telling her I would read some books about this first and really think it out. When you do tell her she is going to want to know who her biological dad is and she will have lots of questions so you need to be prepared. It could also cause her problems wondering why he never wants (wanted) to see her etc. Maybe you should just keep going and be her dad (because you are) and just let it go and move forward.

Good luck! God Bless!

Answer 18

PLease, please read this.  Do not listen to the people who say dont bother with it. really. my grandma adopted a boy and throughout his whole life, she would give hints that he was adopted. like say "how is my favorite adopted boy" (girl in your case)

If you have other kids, you sit them all down and go over each and eevrything that you love about them. then say i love you all the same amount, but in different ways, you see? ___ (childs name) has a different daddy then you do, and i still love you all the same. they will ask questions, and you will not feel nervous anymore (if you did at first) and you will naturally just answer the questions. MAke sure your wife is with you.

if you dont have other kids, pick up a baby book about how to "drop it to your kid" that shes adopted. you could also get dolls and say this is the mommy, the daddy, the little girl, and the real daddy. the real daddy helped mommy have you and then left you to ba taken care of and loved by me. And i do love you. now mommy and me, this daddy, give you food and keep you warm and help you grow up because we both love you no matter where you came from. and youll always be my little girl.

make sure you dont wait to long, and keep hinting at it. i know a kid you didnt know he was adopted till he was older and he hated his parents for not telling him sooner. please dont make the mistake.

good luck

Answer 19

I was adopted in the 50s  my natural mother gave birth to me at my adopted mothers house  and used my adopt moms name and that was back when docs came to the house.It was kept from me for 21 years my adopted mom thought I would not love her if I knew of course you know that was the only mom I had ever known and still love her but there was alot of resentment I felt because I didn't know and that's why I realized why I was never aloud to be around any of her and my dads family. It was hard so please be fair and tell her  so she will know how special she is. Good luck God be with you.

Answer 20

I completely agree with SweetiePie. Now is definitely not the time to tell her, she's too young to really understand it. Just continue being her daddy, and loving her. As she grows up, that is all that will matter to her. When she reaches a certain age where you think she would be able to comprehend it all, then let her know IF you think it matters.

Answer 21

I think you should tell her now, simply because if she grows up knowing she is very special to you and her Mum it won't make any difference to her as she gets older.  I can speak from experience as I'm adopted by my Mum and Dad, and they told me from a very early age that I was very special because they chose me.  You also chose your daughter and chose to be her Dad.  As long as you make no difference between any of your children and they know they're all loved equally it won't matter to her that your not biologically her Dad.

(I also have a brother who is biologically my parents child but that has made no difference in our family life).

Answer 22

Dont tell her now. She's too young and wont understand

Answer 23

i suggest you should tell her maybe when shes a little oler, because i dotn think she would understand why you arent her real father. sehs still 5

Answer 24

have her to tell them that you are the biological father they will add you to the birth certificate no questions ask people do it all the time and if you want to adopt her her father will have to sign over the rights so i would just do it that way and say some time and money then i would wait till she is older and tell her when she is old enough to understand cause if you wait and she looks back and can see you did not treat her any different than the other 2 kids she will probally fill better knowing you did love her like one of your own cause if you tell her right now when she gets older she may look at it like you treated her different as she grew up cause you were not her dad

But you have to do what makes you happy as this is my opioion

Answer 25

5 years old?  Well, when it's just you two together you could ask her if you ever told her about how your family was put together.  She will probably say no.  

Then you can begin by saying Well, I can tell you right now while we have some time together.  You know how all families are different, right?  (You can give some examples... like single parent families, etc.)  In our family, there's a Mommy a Daddy, your brother and sister.  And there's one more thing you have and that's a natural/biological/birth (what ever term you plan to use)  father that you don't know.  He's not in our lives, but I just thought you should know that.  It doesn't mean anything- I'm still your Daddy, and nothing will change...  when you're older you'll understand more.

Do you have any questions?  

OH BOY- This is hard...  let me think a little and I may come back to try again.  I do agree that telling her early is better.  I wouldn't get into the legalities of an adoption until it's time and she won't feel like she's "trouble" for you having to go through this.

Answer 26

Personnally, I wouldn't tell her. It's opening a big can of worms and if the other guy isn't getting involved he's not going to cause problems. If you feel like her dad then you are, it doesn't matter if she doesn't have your eyes etc. Maybe not exactly what I'm trying to sat but basically, ignorance is bliss. If everything is ok, I would leave it as it is.

If you really do want to tell her just tell the very basics. She doesn't need the details, then if she wants to know more when she gets older she will ask. Make sure she knows that it doesn't matter that your not her biological dad and that you love her the same as your other kids. Make sure none of them get more love or attention than the others.

Good Luck x

Answer 27

What does your wife think about you wanting to tell her? She is only five she can't really understand. I think she is too young for that conversation. And if you are all she has known as a father then I don't think she will have a problem with you adopting her. You should wait tell she is in her mid to late teens. Then she will be able to understand the situation. Well good luck!

Answer 28

This is very hard but I do think you are doing the right thing by telling her now. My advice would be to'underplay' it - as if it is no big deal. Just tell her that she is very special and that when she was born she was part of a small family (her and her mum) and now you are changing her name and signing some papers so that everyone can be one happy family. I think she will probably accept it without too many questions for now and will ask about it when she's a little older - but as you say it will mean that she won't feel deceived.

Good luck, I hope it all goes well, she's a lucky girl (so's your wife).

Answer 29

I feel for you.. Hard situation.. Good luck..

Answer 30

Please tell her.  She is young enough that she will only understand a little.  You will have to keep telling her over the years and as she is able she will absorb more and more. But the important thing is that she won't feel blindsided, she won't feel lied to , she won't feel that her life has been a lie.  If you wait, she will feel this.  Tell her now, and reinforce how much YOU love her. That YOU are her dad because you have raised her.  That this makes no difference in how you feel about her.  Please be honest.

Answer 31

i think 5 years old is a bit young for her to understand and to be honest your father is the man who loves and cares for you. when i was 8 yrs old i found out i was adopted i was a teenager before i really understood that my parents were actually my grandparents and my sister was my mother looking back i wish they never told me.