I need you all to give a opinion on a disagreement my daughter and I are having? So please answer this!!?

Question

My daughter just turned 19. She has been working part time for about 2 years, and saving her money to help pay her way through college to be a nurse. We had a unsaid agreement that My husband and I would support her, and help her through college. We don't have very much money, but would do what we can to help. Her kinda wealthy absenty Dad would help her too. After 1 year iof college, in which we paid for books, and paid her $400 tires, and car insurance,and a roof over her head, and her dad helped her pay tuition, she met a boy online who lives in Alaska and she decided to take off the whole summer, and only work a very small bit, and visit her boyfriend in Alaska twice, and visit her dad in Texas, and her boyfriend came here twice, and she didnt work almost the whole summer. Now most of her money is gone, and she expects my husband and I to pay for her college. I told her we would not pay for the first semester, because I never agreed to finance her fun summer. She never even asked me what I thought. Her boyfriend is very nice, and responsible, and I have no problem with him. I just want her to understand the consequences, and to be responsible for her actions, and to not feel intitled, to our help, and to understand we will help her because it is in our heart, and not because we have to! She thinks I don't want her to be happy, and I don't love her. It's because I do love her, that I am making this stand! At first I wasn't happy about the boyfriend, just because I didn't want her to move far away someday! But I got over that, and that is only normal for a mom to feel that way! She will be back from Alaske pretty soon, and I am in store for more fighting, and she says very hurtful things to me, the worst things , she knows will hurt me! I was a single mom, and raised my 2 kids alone, and made many sacrifices for them. While her dad was off making lots of money, and taking us to court 15 times, to lower child support , so we would lose the house. Now she thinks he is the better parent, because he gives her money! She doesn't know the pain and suffering I went through, otherwise she wouldn't be able to say those awful things! Before she left for Alaska a couple weeks ago, we had a awful fight. She threatened to move out, and I told her to go! I have not heard from her, and I fear when she comes back, our lives will be miserable!

Answer 1

you did the right thing. i know its hard but stand your ground no matter what. if she thinks he is such a great parent,tell her to let him pay for her schooling from now on. she is only using that because she knows that it gets to you. no matter what hurful things she says to you, dont show her how much it hurts. im sorry,but your daughter sounds like a selfish brat who could care less what youve been through in order to take care of her. good luck

Answer 2

Way to go MOM! Stay strong, Sounds like you agreed to help with her education, not her social life.

She can get loans to pay if she is serious about being a student, or better yet.......if she needs money she can ask her wonderful father!

You struggled and sacrificed she is 19 and is able to fend for herself, there are plenty of college kids who do it on their own because parents refuse or are unable to help financially.

Your daughter of course will say mean things to you, thats how kids are, but she will one day see all that you have done for her.

Answer 3

Pshh...tell your daughter she is lucky to even HAVE help! I took student loans out for my tuition...nobody helped me pay for anything thru school! I am 23 years old, still making payments on my student loans and have a baby on the way...

Your daughter sounds very selfish and spoiled...tell her to get over herself because in reality, YOU don't HAVE to help her with ANYTHING. She is an adult. Ever heard of student loans? That is what got me thru school, now its her turn!

Answer 4

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Answer 5

She sounds like a spoilt child. Let her think dad is fab, who cares. You brought her up alone, good for you, but don't expect a medal for it. Don't keep telling her she owes you because of all the pain and struggle you went through while her dad was making money. So what!

In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. she needs to know there are consequences to her actions, its called growing up and being responsible. She wont thank you for it now. But one day she will.

Take the moral high ground. Be calm. Tell her how you feel, no shouting, fighting just be calm. Tell her like it or lump it. If she want to go live with dad, great! Bet dad will get fed up of the demands after a while.

Encourage her, praise her, tell her you love her, but dont spoil her. More parents should stop spoon feeding their teenagers!

Answer 6

Honestly, I believe you did the right thing. Your daughter is an adult and she has to realize that choices comes with consequences. Don't feel bad about what she said to you about your parenting and that her Dad is a better parent now. She knows that hurts you and that's why she is saying that. Also that is her way of playing both parents against each other. She will realize one day that you were there for her instead of her father.  So stand your ground and continue to be supportive but let her know that you still stand behind your initial agreement.  One day, she will appreciate it.  

Answer 7

aren't parents supposed to educate their children??  

Answer 8

Wow.  That is not a fun situation to be in.  I applaud you on taking a stand.  I wasn't allowed to just go off "gallivanting" as my parents would say.  My dad was adamant that if I wasn't in school I was working and that I never took more than 2 weeks off work for vacation.

My parents are still married so I can't imagine how your daughter feels or sees things.  I can say that she probably doesn't understand what you went through and is only focusing on her life.

Answer 9

I have daughter and my policy is...I will help them in anyway I can , but I refuse ....to subsidise the life style they choose to have...that was some years ago, so they had to learn the hard way..with the result they now have a greater understanding of how you have to work and save to have anything or do anything. You know the old saying..Easy come, easy go...your life will be miserable if you allow her to make it miserable...I was married at her age and had a baby...she needs to grow up...I'm not saying she should get married but ..I reallt think she needs to take responsiblity for herself.

Answer 10

Look I am 22 and i moved out of my mother's home at 16 because even getting child support that wasn't good enough for her. My mother lived rent free on my grandfathers land in his trailer. She had a beat up car with insurance that cost $50, $50 every other month for water, and electric bill was less than $100 a month. Cable and phone she had are the only bills she kept up on, the electricity was turned off more than twice, and the water was turned off at least once.

She won't let me get my state id so i could a job i had to wait until I was 18 before I could work and my mother wouldn't sign me into another high school or GED classes, at 18 i got a job and paid to get my ged. I got pregnant at 18 yes me and the father are together been together since 16 and 19. We got our first apartment a one bedroom 3/4 bath had no tub only a shower. We both worked until I got to sick to work and loss 13 pounds due to really bad morning sickness.

Everything I ever had I had to earn with my money, I just got done with trade school to become an medical assistant which i had to get student loans. She had an easy childhood compared to mine.

Look I don't care what other people say if you bail her out and give her your hard earned cash she will never learn to take responsible for herself and will always feel like your money is her money. You have every right to spend your money on improving your life, tell her after she finishes college and has a good job she can take as many vacations she wants as long as she is paying for them. You only have the responsiblity to support her until the age of 18 which you did.

You do not have to let her treat you this way tell her life isn't fair and you would love to beable to take a vacation but you have bills to pay and house repairs to make and believe me i know, my water heater is leaking, the dish washer is broken and i am the home owner so there is no land lord to call and fix it, just have to save up the money and replace it ourselves. Well good luck some times you have to give your kids tough love.

Answer 11

Now mom, dont get emotional. Yes, like other mom, you do want to see your daughter in college etc. but like other girls, she wanted to do some exciting and experience life.

I wld suggest you let her learn from her experience. She dont have money to go to school that she used the money having fun, then she have to work first and get to the school when its enough -or they have instalment scheme now, so probably she just be late for 1 semester.

She will appreciate it more int he future.

Dont fight, you know it only make things worst for you both, just make it very clear to her your point of view, take it or leave it.

good luck!

Answer 12

I think it's perfectly understandable for you not to pay for your daughter's first semester this year, since she spent her summer having fun adventures instead of working to help pay her way... but I think you should have told her this before she left.

Either way, when she gets back you have two choices... you can either argue with your daughter and let her say hurtful things, or you can stand up for yourself and refuse to take that.  By letting her fight with you that way, you're teaching her that it's okay to manipulate and hurt others in any way possible, just to get what she wants... not a good life lesson.

Stand your ground!

Answer 13

well i agree with you.

i am a kid myself but somtimes i dont aprecciate the things my does for me until later.

well i think your daughter needs to see that you cant do anything else to help her.

try to find her a job or somthing but i think your perfactly right.

your daughter doesnt mean anything she says trust me shes just sayoing it out of her anger and mistakes.

shell come around eventually just hang in there.

good luck!!

Answer 14

tell her how much you sacrificed to raise her list everything and everything her father put you through, and tell her you accept that she doesn't love you but you love her everyday until you die. Tell her being grown up means relying on yourself not others for support. That is an important lesson in life and easier learned early than later. Well good luck and remember you are doing a good job and her a big favor!

Answer 15

I understand where your coming from. It is very difficult to give all you have to try to get a child to grow and be a grown mature adult and have a good life and then they say and do horrible things that defies everything you have sacrificed for them. However she is 19 and she should already know that her choices has consequences. She chose to vacation and spend her money foolishly and now wants you to be responsible for her bad choice. Nope, it doesn't work that way. I agree 100% with what your saying and I think your doing the right thing. If she gets mad, let her. Just know in your heart that your doing the best thing for her. If she wants to forget the things you have done and been through for her, just to please her Dad so he will give her money, then that says a lot about her character.

Tell her you have gone as for as you can go with this and that she made some choices that were not wise and she has to be responsible for them, not you. You can not take on her mistakes as yours.

I wish you this best with this. I have a son that is foreign to me because I finally had to do the same thing with him. He made bad choices and then expected me to be responsible for them. I did this for him a coupe times and it only made him worse so I had to stop. Once I did, he was gone. I know in my heart I did the right things for him so he will have to live with his choices as will your daughter. Also don't allow her to talk badly to you. Its your home, your her mother and she either shows respect or she leaves, period!

Answer 16

Tell her you are glad to see her again. HUG...KISS> HUG!! Let her physically know you love her. --Make her her favorite meal.

Say the following-She needs to be ALLL Ears:

You just turned 19. You have been working part time for about 2 years, and saving your money to help pay your way through college to be a nurse. We had a unsaid agreement that My husband and I would support you, and help you through college. We don't have very much money, but  do what we can to help. Your kinda wealthy absenty Dad somewhat helps too. After 1 year of college, in which we paid for books, and  $400 tires, and car insurance,and a roof over your head, and your dad helped her pay tuition, you met a boy online who lives in Alaska and decided to take off the WHOLE summer, and only work a very small bit, and visit your boyfriend in Alaska twice, and visit your dad in Texas, and your boyfriend came here twice, and you didnt work almost the whole summer. Now most of your money is gone. We can not afford to pay for your first semester even though you didn't work during the summer. YOu never even asked me what I thought. Your boyfriend is very nice, and responsible, and I have no problem with him. I just want you to understand the consequences, and to be responsible for your actions, and to not feel intitled, to our help, and to understand we will help you because it is in our heart, and not because we have to!

I want you to be happy BECAUSE I LOVE YOU- and only want the best. I am making this stand because I love you! At first I wasn't happy about the boyfriend, just because I didn't want you to move far away someday! But I AM over that, and that is only normal for a mom to feel that way! Over it because I want what makes you happy.

I need you to not open your mouth if you are going to say something hurtful because that doesn't help either of us. YOU ARE 19. I won't be here forever! As a single mom I raised you and your brother/sister and YOU KNOW i made many sacrifices for the both of you (you can name some here--it's ok to make her feel a bit guilty). While your dad was off making lots of money, and taking us to court 15 times, to lower child support , -money we needed because I was caring for you guys, so we would lose the house.

Now don't you even think that he is the better parent, because he can buy you with money at this moment in your life when you need it!

By the way. I really hated that you left on such an aweful note with me. If I died I hope you would have been happy to yell at me over the money I don't have for you.--And if you want to move out, that is your decision. GO AHEAD. Go--you already milked us for money and we don't have any, so now you don't need us, so throw me to the lions.

Answer 17

i'm 20 ,and i can understand why you are doing this but ,please tell me that at the end you will help her ,that you are not ruin her life only to tech her a lesson

Answer 18

I'm a single mother with a 19-year-old also. She is living with us while she goes to college, but she knows that there is no way that I can help with tuition. She is using financial aid and is working part time, so I understand your situation.

Your daughter will learn the harsh realities of life if she decides to move out. I think you were right in letting her go. I know it hurts - it would break my heart to have to be that tough - but it will help your daughter to mature.

Hopefully she'll get in touch with you soon. You sound like a loving mother. Be patient, she'll come around.

Answer 19

I am 24 years old and I can say that agree with YOU 100%. Your daughter is spoiled. She clearly doesn't think that she is, but why else would she expect you to foot the bill for her education, transportation, room and board AND her carefree summer fun?! You need to stand your ground. Just tell her that you love her dearly and that one day she will understand. When she says hurtful things to you let her see your pain. Let her see the tears that she is causing and don't be afraid to let her know that she has no idea about what you have been through and protected her from all her life.

I wasn't spoiled like that, but I did say things to my dad that I never would have said had I known the truth about his past and my birth mom. She is 19, not 6. It may not be the worst thing in the world to throw a little reality her way and tell her some of the things that she should know about the past.

As far as her moving out, I would just tell her that you are standing firm about your decision to not pay for this coming semester but that she is your child and she will always have a home with her mother... whether she leaves or not is her choice but please don't make the mistake that so many parents do by turning their backs on their kids out of anger or hurt feelings. She still loves you. You are her mom! She is just 19 and selfish and narrow minded.

Hang in there. She will see the light in time. :)

Answer 20

You are absolutely right.  However, in the effort of coming to an agreement with your daughter, I think you should sit down with her and have a conversation with her like the adult that she is.  Explain to her why it was hard raising her alone, and that her dad hadn't always been as free with his money as he is now.  Explain to her that although you do love her and want her to be happy, you are under no obligation to continue to support her - that stopped on her 18th birthday.  Let her know that it is because you do love her that you have agreed to help her get through college.  Give her my email address lol....I could share my story with her.....my parents didn't pay for ANYTHING of mine, since I was 16 - not 18- and now I am paying for college on my own while trying to work and raise 3 kids.  It's not easy for most people, and she should be thankful that she has a mother who wants to help her as much as she can.  She really doesn't want to mess this up...because since she is so young and has no children, she will not qualify for financial aid as an independent student, or be able to receive pell grants....so she really needs to do some prioritizing.  Good job, mom....and hang in there....it may cause some problems for the two of you now...but when she is older and a mother herself....she will get it.

Answer 21

If she wants to continue with college then  send her to her financial aid office at her college and they can arrange for student loans in her name only that she repays when she graduates from college. You would be surprised to find out that a very high percentage of college students are attending on student loans -that will cover books, fees, computer, etc. So no one has to pay for her = she does it on her own and she repays when she graduates.

Answer 22

you need to stand your ground! because she will continue making poor dicisions if you are constantly there to clean up her financial messes! she is old enough to know better. as for her father that kept taking you to court to lower the child support he will eventually get tired of it to because it dont sound like he wanted to pay for child support let alone her private expenses. p.s. dont break stand your ground she will understand and respect you latter for it!!!!!

Answer 23

As a daughter, I hate to say this but there's no way to make her realize how much you love her and how much of yourself you put into raising her unless she comes to that realization by herself.  Daughters are stubborn nowadays.  I should know, I am one and didn't appreciate my mother as much as I should have until a couple days before I got married, when family "issues" came up and I found out how much pain and suffering my mother has gone through in her life and she survived not by taking antidepressants or going to counseling but just by being her.

You might just need to give her space.  She's only 19, but she should realize that you aren't in a financial situation to pay for her college.  You should take a step back, let her try to do this on her own and try to support her like you did last year. It will be painful and you will probably be miserable, but the fact is she will only listen to you when she's ready.

Until then send her to the financial aid office if her wealthy dad won't pay for it.  Eventually when she grows up she'll appreciate you more and understand better.  

You both deserve your fun, but hers shouldnt be at your expense because she's an "adult".  Parents aren't required to pay for college, that's what they have student loans for.  And at a 100 bucks a month for 10 years, that's pretty darned good for paying it back.

Good luck to you and I wish you the strength to get through this rough patch with your daughter.

Answer 24

cut her off and kick her out