I need your opinion? Serious responses only please!?

Question

My wife and I decided a few months ago to separate and each one of us move to move out to our own place. It was hard at first for me to accept it but I think I have now. She doesn't have money and cannot afford to move out right now and we agreed that we would go our separate ways in November. I still love her and I did try so hard the last few months but things didn't change at all. I still love her with all my heart and don't want to loose her but also don't want to have her live unhappy in a relationship that is not working for her. Should I still show her that I want to be with her and she means a lot to me or just call it quits and move on? When we first talked I asked her what did i do that made her feel that way and she said that I didn't do anything it was just that my attitude that made her decide this. She hasn't been trying and i was the only one trying to make it work and she said that she was done trying now and needed time to think. I haven't given up yet but am I pursuing a lost cause now. We also have a 4yr old son and I am not sure if I should try to get custody of him or just let her take him if we go our separate way. She doesn't spend a lot of time at home especially during the weekend at night. What would you do?

Answer 1

Have the two of you tried counseling?  Even if it doesn't end up solving your issues (though it could) it may help both of you through the situation.  For the sake of your marriage and your child you do need to try to preserve the relationship.  It's not always possible, especially if she is unwilling, but it sounds as though you want to try everything you can.  Counseling is certainly a step that should be considered.

If she truly is done trying, and is unwilling to work further on preserving the marriage or the relationship then you'll have to find a way to respect that decision.

As far as custody goes, perhaps the two of you could discuss joint custody.  I certainly wouldn't just "let her take him".  If the two of you are unable to make these decisions on your own then you may need to consider a mediator, or if things become more difficult, an attorney.  Whatever choice you make in regards to this decision, make sure that you are truly making for the wellbeing of your son, and not out of spite for your wife.

My bigggest piece of advice is to really mind your words around your son.  Four year olds absorb, understand and recall a lot more than most people give them credit for.  Do not speak ill of your wife in front of him.  Even comments made to friends or relatives while he is near will find a way to make it to his ears.  Even if the words you're saying are true, and even if your wife makes remarks about you, in the long run your son will be damaged by the words he hears.  Either in the way he thinks about his mother, or in his attitude towards you because of what you've said.

Good luck.

Answer 2

If the women has her mind made up that things aren't going to work then that is usually how it is going to turn out. She's just buying time till she can get out. Sounds like she is already over you and I would attempt to return the favor. As for child custody, I would file for primary physical custody with joint custody meaning you are the primary parent. If she's spending a lot of time away from home, there's really no telling what she is up to...trust me I looked past all the warning signs and found out  the hard way...we have a 4 month old son and she decides she wants to spend all our money on crack and coke...

Answer 3

So there has been no counseling efforts for the sake of the marriage and child? I would insist on that so every possible chance will exist to save this relationship. Has she met someone else that is clouding the issues? Some people reach outside of the marriage and then use that as an excuse to blame the other partner. You both owe it to yourselves to analyze what's wrong in the marriage and see if it's at all workable. If not, then you have to move on.  

Answer 4

If you want to stay with her change so that you are a better person not so that you can keep her. If you do things differently so she'll hang around you'll revert back to the lazy guy you were & start the whole process over again but with out the option of her staying.  

Answer 5

You already lost her.

Get a good divorce lawyer and be the best Dad you can be to your little guy.

Answer 6

My husband and I did this.  We moved out on a "trial" separation.  Sometimes if the issues have been going on for awhile a women who doesn't want to completely throw in the towel will want a trial separation.  I have a daughter we shared custody.  The best thing you can do is give her space.  Let her know you love her and will fight for her.  But that because you love her you will try the trial separation.  It may make things better for both of you or worse.  It's a hard thing to do.  But when one is tired and wants out, you can't force them to stay.  Just keep on trying and letting her know you are there for her.  

  Stay Strong and Best of Luck to You Both

Answer 7

It sounds like there are major personality issues from her perspective.  You said she needed time to think, so give her that time now.  Sometimes the other side isn't any better. Especially if she eventually concludes that she has been a good portion of the problems.  If you can move out now for a little while, and with the understanding that its financially temporary, than do it.  It will hurt, but give her the time to think.  Tell her custody will be 50-50 during that time.

Answer 8

Dude, there are a lot of things in life that you can let slide when you love someone, but the one thing that you can't ignore is the fact that they don't feel the same way about you... they don't love you back. If she does not love you then this is no longer about her, this is about you and no matter what you do in life, where you end up, the very least that you have the right to expect from a spouse is that they love you... You have to have enough respect for yourself to realize that you deserve better and that you can do better. Remember this... if she is the unhappy one, the one that wants out, then you can't spend too much time being broken up about whether  or not she can afford to leave you or not... also remember that you will always be your son's father no matter what goes down between you and your wife. Always look out for him even if it means that he would be best served to be in your custody until your wife creates some kind of a stable environment for you son.

Answer 9

You could ask her to come to counselling, but if she's over it, there's nothing you can do. It takes two to tango. I would try and sort out custody between the two of you before it goes to court, but if you want your son, you absolutely should not let her have full custody. If I was you, I'd want as much custody as possible while still being fair to my ex. You may have lost your wife, don't lose your son.

Answer 10

she's lost and trying to find herself again, whether you are part of that picture is yet to be determined, by either of you from what you have written; no you don't try to get custody of your son, you get joint custody; he needs both a mom and a dad forever and always.  Hang in there and try to make it work, be more open minded and less defensive when she expresses her feelings of what she has or what she is missing; her feelings are not right or wrong, they just are.....