I never get a single second for myself?

Question

My daughter is 11 months old and she co-sleeps with me, so she wakes at the same time and sleeps at the same time at night. She has a nap in the daytime for about 45 minutes but that's it and when my husband isn't here I use this time to have a bit of time to myself - to catch up on chores, email friends, have a relaxing bath etc. and find I'm much more refreshed when she wakes up to continue to entertain her for the rest of the day! But when my husband is home, despite me asking him to keep it down a bit, he is that noisy that within literally 2 minutes of me putting her down for a nap she will be up again, so unless I want a tired grumpy baby all day, I have to lay with her for the whole nap so she stays asleep. having him put her back to sleep so he realises not to wake her is not an option as he is working from home (though how paper work can be so noisy I don't know!! lol) but when he works from home for weeks at a time, that literally means I do not get a second to myself, as even at weekends, I get left to do everything which he says was my choice when I chose to become a stay at home mum. I love my daughter, and spending time with her, but even just a few minutes a day to myself would be nice. How can I make him understand this, and that though I am a stay at home mum, he should be involved in her life too?

Answer 1

welcome to parenthood,  

Answer 2

i personally would get a nice big warm comfy garden shed for his work with lights etc and tell him to work out there lol

i also co sleep but i get time to my self as my daughter sleeps right through the night and i wake at 7.30 and my daughter wakes as 9 ish so i have a few hours there but we both go to sleep at the same time around 10-11pm  also she has about 1-2 hours sleep  in the afternoon

Answer 3

unfortunately for you.

"Holy c**p!" is right.

:)

Answer 4

oh dear your married to a 10 year in big body.And a very selfish 1 at that.You have one option really,you must grow some balls and stand up for yourself and your daughter, who the heck is this guy, you have the reigns just tug on them , he needs to quieten his behaviour, take care of the baby for a hour or two at least every couple of days to give you  a break and to bond with his daughter, where does he think he is. You are not his mother.Foot goes down now.If he cares about you both ,he will resist but give in when he sees you are serious.Stand up in this challenge ,it is hugely important for all of you.If he is a total moron and wont play ball at all then you with a selfish idiot.In this case only a crisis(ie you guys leaving) will stop this train wreck in its track.Totally best of luck.              

Charliees idea of what we in oz call a 'jolly jumper' is a brilliant idea , kids love it and will happily bounce  around for ages ,while you sit ,relax and enjoy a coffee.

Answer 5

I understand where you're coming from.

I had a similar situation before, my husband and his 2 other teens (who only come to ours fortnightly) used to talk very loud and make lots noises when our baby was little.

I kept telling the father (my husband) to be quieter but they never did.

Until one day I was so pissed off because they woke my baby up again at night by "debating" some kind of stupid things,I went down stairs and slammed the lounge door badly then went back to the baby room.Guess what? Since then, they knew PERFECTLY how to behave when baby's sleeping!

About another thing you mentioned, you think your husband should be involved in her life too..Yep, absolutely!!!

but, you have got to ASK CLEARLY what you want him to do, again and again, then hopefully he'll hear what you said!!

My husband is the same, the first few months after our baby's born, he wasn't that involved at all so it made me very upset and annoyed.

then i realised it was because on one side he didn't know how to get involved as he thought she's so tiny dinky, on the other side MEN need to be told clearly what to do in the house!!

I have to tell my husband the same thing over and over again, then slowly (really slowly) he learnt to do it! I don't understand how men's brain work,but even my dad told me "you need to tell him what you want him to do in the house!".

And unfortunately, your husband is like mine,they both still have a lot of "me time"!! when they want to do their own things, themselves always come first although they have a young baby!!!!

I don't want to go on and on about this, but you just need to sit down with him when he is in a good mood, and explain to him how you feel and what you want from him,

Your husband might be thinking the very english way (babies shall learn to sleep on their own, if you leave them long enough to cry,they shall learn and stop crying then sleep.),

men don't realise how tough the job is as a stay at home mum, my husband still thinks I ought to do most of the housework as the title "housewife", but i don't care what he thinks,if he doesn't try to listen and understand me, then I just tell him "alright,you think im free all day doing nothing at home, but i am NOT! i have got no time for anything else but looking after our little one who speeds everywhere, so now, you have got to do all the chores that I haven't got time for!"

I always make him see my side of life on weekends, i always get him involved as much as possible when he's at home, like getting him to change/clean the baby mess, get him to put her to bed (which is indeed his weakness, he never succeeded once by far, then he realised how much hard work im doing!), get him to make food for baby without telling him each step.....

and now every evening he tidies up all the toys baby plays in the day whilst I am putting her to bed.(in the past he'd leave all to me, ,and i had to tidy up everything in the lounge after i got baby to sleep!)

heck....he will have to ask me EVERY SINGLE THING about the baby!

He shall learn from there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

talk nicely first with your husband, if he ignores you, then you should really consider other method to get him HEAR YOU!!!

good luck

Answer 6

When he get's home this evening, hand him the baby & go out.

Answer 7

You TELL him that it is his turn. When he's not working, he does 50% of the childcare. He puts her down for a nap or he can deal with her yelling. If he wakes her up then he can go put her down again. He's not five; he's a grown adult. Don't "ask him to keep it down a bit", TELL him that it is baby's nap time and if he doesn't want to be disturbed by her yelling he needs not to wake her up. You have a baby to look after. Stop looking after two.

And so what if he tells everyone that you abandoned her when you ask him to look after her for an hour once in a while? Are all your friends really that chauvinistic? They'll laugh at him. It's probably the best thing that could happen.

Answer 8

Maybe If You Take Her To Bed Usual Time But You & Your Hubby Stay Up A Little Longer An Hour Or So , Then The Baby Will Get Used To Sleeping On Her Own Rather Than Co-Sleep With You.

Hope This Helped (:

Answer 9

My husband never used to do anything to do with childcare. I told him that having a child does not end with conception and just because I gave birth it should not mean I have to do everything myself thereafter. I also told that him that I could go out tomorrow and get run over by a bus and if he didn't know how to look after his kids what did he think was going to happen to them. I now give him options such as would you like to bath the kids or wash the dishes. Whichever he chooses I do the other, that way at least I don't have to do everything.

You have to stand firm. Your husband may work and feels that he has done his bit, but you also work. What does your husband do when he's finished work? chill out, watch t.v maybe. What do you do when you've finished work? oh that's right you don't ever finish work.

Ask hime if he'd like to swap roles with you for a few days, a bet he wouldn't because he knows you're job is a lot harder.

Answer 10

Get the married second for yourself.

Answer 11

you did the crime now do the time ! or you could aways throw it off a cliff and yell this is sparta !

Answer 12

I can't really offer advice but i can tell you your not alone.

My daugher is 2 1/2 and still doesn't sleep through, i also never get a minute to myself either. we also co-sleep (not through choice)

I hope you find answers.  

Answer 13

He is a selfish thug.

Answer 14

yaa that really sucks!

Answer 15

You need to sit him down and make it clear to him that this cannot continue any longer and you need some ME time.

Tell him that your going to adopt a decent routine for you and your daughter. She will, from tonight be sleeping in her own cot, and you will leave her there but just check on her from time to time until she sleeps. He can play with her up until say 8pm at night and thats her in her bed and he will not disturb her under any circumstances. If he doesnt adhere to these rules, you need to rethink your marriage vows, and he should understand that you need a break as well as your a mum and will be until the end of your life. Especially up till 18 years, its a long hard slog and you need to rest in the evenings.

I had the same problem with my kids as well. I have an 8 years old who does exactly the same thing and my husband wont let me put him to bed at a decent hour. I am sick of it as well. And today i have decided to do the same thing cos your question really hit home and i am mentally and physically exhausted and i work full time as well.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you will get some time to yourself

Answer 16

My poor friend has a husband just like yours. I feel for you.

You really need to put an end to his selfish behaviour. He has no right to not lift a finger to help you. You are a mum 24/7, so why does he think he can work his 9 - 5 hour days and then come home and relax? Its his daughter too!

I would be talking to him, telling him to pull his finger out and help out a bit.

Also, can I recommend a baby swing? My sons were very high maintenence babies too, and finally with the last one I bought one. I was kicking myself that I didn't buy one earlier. Helps keep baby content, and gives me a chance to relax or get things done. Also great for getting babies to sleep!

I know you didn't ask for co sleeping advice, but I really would try introducing her to her own bed. You will be glad you did in the long run.

Answer 17

Welcome to the next 18 years of your life.

Also, letting her share your bed is the worst thing you could do.  It will have a massive impact on your sleep and also your s*x life in the long run.

EDIT:  From what you're saying about your husband I'm becoming very concerned for you.  As a father, I look forward to spending time alone with my son, it's time for us to bond and play together.  Also, I know that any mother needs time to herself to maintain her sanity - so I make sure that at least once a week she goes out (shopping, cinema, drinking with friends etc) and I stay home with baby.  It's just basic respect for my wife, nothing more.  I think you need to have a serious chat about things.

Answer 18

it seems to me you have a touch of post natal depression, visit your gp, they can help you for that and in the mean time turn the tv off and voice this to your partner! i bet he is feeling left out if your child sleeps with you then you and your parnters s*x life must be non existent. Men have needs also. Sit him down talk to him ask him how he feels, maybe time to move your daughter into another room for initially just naps, I hated it when my daughter went out of my bedroom but you know what she slept better! i had more freedom! as you your hubby waking the baby up if he wakes her make him see to her and really make him see to her! he needs to learn  

Answer 19

kick his ***, men are silly... if you pitch a fit about the same thing over and over again they finally realize it bothers you and they figure out not to do it.  They're not like us though, they don't get it for a long long time

Answer 20

your preaching to the choir lol....my husband refuses to do anything with my daughter.  We started this arangement where i take care of her all day during the week and i dont ask for his help and then on the weekends she is his responsibility.  Well it was great at first but now i have to take care of her 24/7 365.  Im gettin so frustrated and i just cant take it anymore! If you find some way to get your husband involved please let me know because i need it to

Answer 21

Sounds like you have two kids to look after not just one! Is there a grandparent or aunty who lives nearby who could help you out with a bit of baby sitting now and then? If its a friend who also has a child then you could do the same in return. Although it seems at the moment that you are your daughter's only comfort, you honestly are making a rod for your back by letting that continue. It would do her good to get used to someone else putting her down to sleep, otherwise you could still have this problem in another five years or more. My friend has an 8 year old who STILL won't sleep in his own bed, and she is wishing she had never started co-sleeping.

Answer 22

I know what you mean my little boy didn't sleep long at night and rarely napped in the day until so I didn't get much time to mysel because my partner worked long hours I'm lucky that when I went back to work I just went back part time and he changed his job to have more suitable hours so we could all have more time together, although I still do most of the putting to bed etc.

If you think your husband wouldn't react well to you just saying you're going out etc wait until they're both happily playing together then just get up give him a peck on the cheek and say ' ok while you're both happy playing I'm going to have a bath' and leave the room quickly before he can say anything, he needs to help you more, but you need to use baby steps to get him there. So start with this and then say can you keep an eye on her while I do this washing etc. There's not point trying to ask him while he's working so pick times when he's not like the evening or weekend.

Answer 23

Well I was taught to put babies to sleep right amidst the noise and chaos from the start...then you dont have this problem..I can vacuum around my children and they still wont wake up...but it's a bit late for you. If I were you I would say..if you wake her up then you get to look after her for an hour ...and you take your bath and stuff while he does what you would have done. I mean looking after her is your work...if you went in and ripped up his work then he would expect you to help sort it out wouldnt he? He is essentially undoing your work....dont put up with it.

Answer 24

your mans a selfish prick!!! HARSH???? I know!  He wouldnt last a second with me.

I understand that you dont want opinions on sharing a bed with your baby. Thats your business. However, if you want to stay with your "man"  you have to teach your baby to sleep through noise. It takes a while but it is worth it.  You are not a robot, you are a woman and an individual and are entitled to have some you time.  

If my husband was a fraction like that he would be out on his ear.  Its not your fault, it certainky isnt your babies.....your man needs a good talking to and then you can deal with the matter in hand.

Im sorry if I sound horrible, im not really, I just cant stand selfishnes in men!  

You must have the patience of a saint honey!!

x*x

Answer 25

"Co-sleeps "with you is a big mistake.

Your princess has you on a piece of string, why not put her in a playpen or even in her pram with some toys to explore, mine used to spend ages with a plastic saucepan, a spoon and a lid.

Her father should behave like one.  He deserves a fortnight in your shoes while you get spoiled.

At the moment your princess is becoming spoiled and your husband sounds selfish.  Even a few hours here and there given to his wife and daughter shouldn't be beyond him.

Answer 26

thats sad:(

Answer 27

Not another man who thinks that being a SAHM involves sitting on your bum eating chocolate and watching Trisha all day!  My partner used to be a bit like this but as our daughter gets older he is getting better (slowly!).  He still moans a bit if I go out and leave him to look after her but he does get on with it.  You need to have a serious talk with your husband.  He thinks you have an easy time of it and you need to show him that you don't otherwise your relationship could suffer.  He is being selfish - she is his daughter too!  Also, it sounds harsh but do try to break her of that co-sleeping habit.  You will be happy that you did!