I never thought about babies until the miscarriage. Is this normal?

Question

Before the miscarriage, I was content being single, no kids, casually dating, and working hard to achieve nice things like new cars. It didn't really faze me when other people my age got pregnant, if anything I thought I wanted to wait until my mid 30s to have kids(just so I could party and see the world for as long as I could). Then all that changed when I got pregnant and I wanted to take responsibility for my actions and have the kid, then soon after miscarried. Even though there is no kid in the picture now, I find myself hoping to move up the ideal childbearing age from my mid 30s to late 20s(not very much older than I am right now). I find myself resenting the miscarriage and the people who'd told me to get an abortion during the short time I was pregnant. I find myself getting wistful when other girls my age get pregnant and get congratulated. Is this normal? Before the miscarriage, I was never this depressed about this topic, I never even thought about having kids at that time

Answer 1

It's always going to be hard when you lose something especially like that.  It hurts in ways that are unimaginable... I know what you mean when people tell you to get an abortion, they think that they are helping you out and giving you the best advice because they think they know what they would do in that situation

The truth is you never know how you are going to react or what you are going to do in a certain situation and it will never be the same decision someone else makes ....  I don't think you "friends" meant any harm but I would let them know that their words were damaging, it might make you feel better to get that off your chest.

I was 18 when I first got pregnant and all i can remember is everyone asking, "Oh, well what are you going to do about it."  My answer was always the same, "I'm going to have it"

I'm not against abortion, I think that everyone should make their own decisions but I don't think that anyone should feel forced to make that decision

If you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to email me

Answer 2

I hope the people who were telling you to get an abortion weren't your friends.  If so, I'd reconsider those relationships.  I lost twin boys just a few days before I turned 19.  The pregnancy certainly wasn't planned, but I embraced it.  I actually said I never wanted children- possibly adopting was a better option for me.  But, after that pregnancy my "mommy" genes really kicked in.  It sounds like maybe that was just a wake up call to you that there are other things to do with your life than just party until your mid 30's.  I don't really think that's a bad choice- but maybe you're starting to think of different possibilities now.  Sometimes too, I think we can wait really long to have kids and find out that it's not that easy to get pregnant (for some) or there's health issues causing pregnancy problems or just the fact that when you're past a certain age there are more risks in pregnancy.  I know the miscarriage is hard and it's okay to be angry about it sometimes.  Hopefully you will get to a place where you can see it has changed your perspective on things- and maybe that's a good thing.

Answer 3

You became attached, which is right that you should. You are in a mourning period now. It is hard, especially since you made such efforts to decide you would own up to it only to have the tables turned on you once again. You will feel this way for quite a while I would imagine. And that's ok.

The best thing is to focus the this concern from your loss on what can be in the future. Put the energy into your next pregnancy. It is good to focus on working hard because the best you can do before bringing a baby in the world is to have enough financial resources to ensure it gets everything it needs. Dedicate these efforts and planning to the next time.