I noticed a spelling mistake so i just had to do this to save hassle (repost)?

Question

I wrote this kinda kidding around. but just check it out (poetry)?

why oh why must my brother bother me

my sisters always in school

why dear love must you come so slightly

i want to feel the rush of joy. of joy

and what great wonder. you bring. you bring

the tears have fallen. and so the rain. the dryness takes me by shock

look out. you're still in debt. what? who's next? but i said two. for without three not would i know what to do. it says in the bible don't read your mind out loud. so i stopped writing. and suddenly stricken by a cloud. but wait. did he say three. and two before. where is this going. i'm not your w***e. to be thrown around.. and teased. so stop

this record is final. your sales will drop drop drop

Answer 1

I find your triple drop ending a bit brash and hard personally. I do not really like poetry that is all in a clump with no capital letters on the start of sentences or thoughts.

My personal feeling is that it needs more work.

This is meant only as constructive criticism of how I would like to see it.

Answer 2

The word, "w***e" ruined it. Also, "the tears have fallen. and so the rain. the dryness takes me by shock

look out. you're still in debt. what? who's next? but i said two."  When you said, "What" It kinda turned from high class poetry to my 10 year old brother's writing. "it says in the bible don't read your mind out loud. so i stopped writing. and suddenly stricken by a cloud. "  Don't write it "it says." Write it as "The bible reads,"

Other than that, you'll have to read everything out loud and see how it sounds.  

Answer 3

its good..

hehehehe...