I posted this but didnt get any answers.. thought i'd try one last time..

Question

i am a 19 yr old single mum to a 7 week old boy and have matured and learnt so much so far! before i was a bit out of control and heading downhill until i fell pregnant. i accepted it almost straight away but it wasn't easy for me at all. i ended up losin my "night life" and my friends, and a relationship that was good (but he wasnt the father so things got hard and we parted ways)

i found a new respect for single mums and i didn't realise what hard work and how much patience goes in! i love this "job" though, yes it has got its "downs" that break me, though it has it's "ups" aswel that makes me forget everything going around.

when i fell pregnant i was advised (by my rents) that i should not tell the father that i was carrying his kid, and i ended up doing just that but i now really regret it. i don't regret it cos of the money etc (although its rly tough) cos i've got my family that really help me out whenever they can. i regret it cos it is like i ripped my son from his dad, and even though its better this way for us, i'm worried that my son will hate me when he grows up. his dad wasn't the type of man i would like near my son, he was involved with the wrong crowd and older then me (32), he would have just ignored him anywys (just like he does his other kids). i was worried that my son would be in danger if he was to have a fall out with the others he deals with.

so in the end i did it for my boy but how would i get him to understand that? i need to know how to break it to him when he starts asking me bout his father and why he never got to meet him. he's gna b askin from such a young age so i cant mention all the drugs n jail stuff. (although he probably would end up finding out being that i live in a small country)

if there's any1 who has some sort of advice or has been through something like this, please help. this is a really sensitive and touchy subject for me so please no rude answers.

feel free to contact me, i'd appreciate it so much!

thanks in advance xx

Answer 1

Is true sat u just want 2 protect ur kid, but hey he has a father n not matter wat i think is better for the kid 2 kno dat he has a father...

Answer 2

I think that if you know his dad would not be involved or cause problems for you then you should tell him. That way if he isn't around it's HIS fault- not yours. Your son will grow up and eventually understand that his father is a loser. But if you make the decision for this guy not to be around then someday your son may meet him and he will tell your son that he would have been there but YOU didn't tell him about the pregnancy. (Which is probably completely false- he probably won't be around either way but that would take the guilt away from him. It's a good excuse for him to use- don't give him one!) Your son will resent you and blame you for missing out on all those years with his dad. If you know he'd ignore him anyway then why shouldn't you tell him? It won't hurt anything and it will take the possible blame off of you. My 5 year old's father has never been in the picture either- he knows about him but has chosen to stay away. He is also older than me (by 11 years) and into things I don't want my son around. I'm sure it's in my son's best interest that he is absent but I don't want my son to ever think I kept him away. As moms we can only be responsible for our own choices. It's not our fault if the kids dad turns out to be a deadbeat loser. But it is our fault if we don't give them a chance to prove themselves otherwise.

As far as answering your son's questions- just keep things simple. My son is 5 and he asked me once if he had a dad and I just told him that all families are different. Some people have a mom and a dad, some people only have a mom or only have a dad and some people live with their grandma, etc. That satisfied him for now. When he begins to understand that it takes 2 people to make a baby I'll tell him that the man who helped me make him lives far away and that he and I aren't friends anymore. As he gets older I'll give him more info. I really think you need to give this guy a chance to s***w up though. Let HIM be the bad guy, not you. Best of luck! =]

Answer 3

I don't think it's a good idea to not tell the father.  Thats unfair to the father and to your boy.  The father probably will be a dead beat but at least he'll know he has a child out there and it'll be his decision to not be in the child's life not yours.  One day your child will grow up and do you want to tell him you didn't even give the father a chance?  He might try to locate him and if he does the father will have never known.  Your parents are thinking of whats best for you.  It worries me that he's 32 though.  He probably won't change since he's already an adult.  When I first read this I thought he was also 19 until I re-read it.  

Answer 4

Explain calmly and politely your reasons for losing contact with the father, explain you have done the best you can, and say he is welcome to contact his father if he wishes.

Answer 5

Im 10 weeks pregnant. My long time bf just cheated on and left me. Even before our relationship wasnt the best. He always threatened to take my baby away when she is born and he has a control issue.

I chose before we broke up to do this by myself. I think if you as the mother feel it is best it is. As for how to handle it - ive given it just a little thought. I plan just to say that the father isnt able to be around right now when the child asks and just avoid it. When my child gets older - 13 or so i intend to tell them if she wants to know about her father, find him, and go ahead and let her meet him if she wants.

It is touchy and hard. just do the best you can

Answer 6

I feel for you.

My advice the younger he is the less you tell him because you will probably just confuse him.

This is really something you need to work out by yourself.

At the end of the day if you do decide to tell his father now and he does walk away at least you can tell your son his dad didn't want to be a dad and he was the one who walked away and if he does stick around and be a terrible dad, your son will learn that for himself and he won't be able to turn round to you and accuse you of riping him away from his father.

Personally I think it was wrong for anybody to tell you not to tell the father. As much as sometimes I do feel the child is better off with the father not being around, he still has a right to know and the child still has a right to have the option to have his/her father about.

But I do totally understand why you did it.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do

Answer 7

When your sons younger and starts asking questions just explain in the simplest way that your relationship with his father wasn't working and it was better for him to leave  - but make absolutely clear that it wasn't his fault, don't villianize his dad as he may grow up to resent that

When he's older he'll probably want to go and get in contact with his father, at this point you'll have to be as truthful as possible about his father and allow him to get in contact. If you try and stop him contacting the father this will only make the sitaution worse. All you can do is be ther to support your son.

Just love your son and when the time comes to answer these difficult questions just be honest and you'll know what to say.

Answer 8

Hi there, this hasn't happened to me personally, but my friend has a 4-year-old daughter and she never told her father - he was also not a nice guy and he had another daughter who he constantly let down (promising to take her and then didnt show because he was drunk or hung over) anyway, my friend didn't want to tell him, because she didn't want him to be a part of her life - she was scared he'd want to take her out on day trips because she knew he wasn't responsible and she worried he wouldn't take care of her properly!

anyway, things turned out much better this way - he is now in prison for drug-related issues and my friend has met a fantastic guy who her daughter adores! she has found that her daughter has never asked about her "dad" because she sees thins new guy as her dad!!!!

I agree most of the time that the father should know - but it all depends on what they are like as a person - if theirs a risk that harm could come to your child, it's not worth it! people can judge and say "a father always has a right to know" but if they were in a situation where the father of their preciouse child was a bad person, a bad influence and a danger to their child, they'd soon agree not to let them know!

If you tell your sons dad now - you have tp be prepared that he MIGHT want to see his son, ask yourself these questions first...

Would you be happy for him to take your son out???

Is he responsible enough to look after your son??

Is putting your son in danger of this man worse than telling him the truth in the future???

Really think about it first, because once you tell him - there's no going back!

Good luck with whatever you choose!

Answer 9

When he starts asking at 2,3, 4 years old simply say, "Your daddy was a man who had some problems and couldn't take care of you and I thought it would be better if our family was just you and Mommy. Families can be all kinds of sizes and ours is just right."

You never know -- in 3-4 years you might be with someone else. You should never lie to him about anyone being his bio-dad but if he has a man in his life, whether or not it is your romantic partner, you can point out that he is so lucky to have Grandpa and Uncle Ted, and Bobby who love to spend time with him and some kids don't even have cool people like that in their lives.

Don't fret too much. If you are always as devoted to him as you are now, he will not want for anything.

When he is 9 or 10 and really seems to need a conversation about his dad and why he doesn't have one -- if he does not have a really awesome stepdad person in his life -- I think you should tell him a few more details about the drugs and jail, very sweetly and honestly.

You needn't tell him his dad's name unless he asks specifically. If he does, you need to tell him that you chose not to tell this person about him because you felt the two of you would be better off without him in your lives.

Answer 10

Hey good for you for 1: keeping your son and 2:  telling his father.  Even tho the father is not the greatest, it is his right and responsibility to know and take care of his son.. your little guy is so young right now that all you should do is take care of him and love him and enjoy these baby days.  They grow so fast!  The future will take care of itself.  That's called faith.  your little guy may ask about his father when he's ready to learn the truth and maybe by then the father will have "matured" enough to let him meet his son and talk to him about the dangers of drugs and teach him to stay "clean".  I hope everything all works out for the best and your little one.  Blessings to you both!

Answer 11

You are doing what is best for your son.  

It is better to have no father than a bad father, trust me I know from experience.

Do not feel bad or guilty.  Your son will appreciate the love and care you have given him, and will not suffer from not having his biological father in his life.

Good luck to you and your son. xx

Answer 12

You clearly love your boy very much and i can suggest two options; either tell the dad, that way your son cannot be mad at you when he is older as it is his Dads fault if he never took the chance for contact but make sure you tell him you have to have proof that he has changed his ways before he even looks at his son never mind spending quality time together.

Option two; do not tell the dad at all, if he is as much as a waste of space as you say he is then why put your son through that? When your son is older he will understand that his dad was an idiot and by that time, who knows? He might have a fantastic step-dad who will be just like the real thing.

Answer 13

Congrats on taking responsibility and taking good care of your son. You're awesome!

Keep answers simple and age appropriate.  And stay away from any type of 'he was bad" or 'he didn't want you' type comments (I know you wouldn't say THAT but I mean,  make sure anything doesn't even sound a little bit like that).  Don't over think too much at this point,  intuitively you will know what answer will be best when he is ready to ask.  You will know what will comfort him, what he will understand, etc.  Best of luck to you both.

Answer 14

Be honest with him. Tell him his name and when he is old enough you can tell him that you will help find him. However, since he was in with the wrong crowd he does not know that you exist because you never told him. You thought you were doing the best thing for him at the time. GOod luck to you.  

Answer 15

Just dnt lie to him!!! Wen he is old enough maybe just to tell him that he was a bad man? I know its a hard thing to do but if u r honest with him he cnt hold that against you :) Maybe u might meet some1 new by the time ur son starts 2 ask questions so wait till he ask you. Good luck :)

Answer 16

Your question is so long and involved that it is difficult to give an answer.

Answer 17

i would be honest with your kid cause if he finds out you lied its gonna cause more problems

Answer 18

All u can do is try & prepare him for a negative reaction if he does decide to contact his father wen hes older & 'if' he gets let down.You may b lucky & the father might want to b involved.By the sounds of things youd prefer it if he isnt but u have to b prepared for him wanting 2 know his son.All u can do is b honest with ur son ,tell him anything he wants to know & be there for him if he gets hurt,at least then hel know for hisself & he wont blame you.Its not the type of thing a person would look into until their old enough to understand things a little bit anyway.His curiosity wont get peaked until hes old enough to understand a certain amount & then i think u should b honest with him & answer any questions he has as honestly but also as kindly as possible.Then if he does go & contact him u can be there to support ur son wotever happens.That way he wont blame u & what will be will be as they say.

Answer 19

If the father is going to put the child in danger then no you should not tell him. Sometimes its better not to know who your father is than to be rejected by him. When your son gets older and starts asking questions then you can tell him that his father was not a very nice person and its better for him not to be around him.  

Answer 20

your problem is that same of thousands of others-its not as bad as you think-sure in time he will ask about his dad.You will find simple answers to give him.Its heart breaking but all his time and support will come from you and family.They soon learn to live without dad in the picture with no side effects.My nephew is in same boat.When he asked about his dad we tell him the truth.We do not know where he is.There is no contact from him.He is still growing up just like any other boy would.They adjust.In time you will see.In the mean time love and raise the best you can

Answer 21

You sound just like me.  I was 19 when I had my daughter and the only difference is the father knew.  He hasn't been around much in her life and the questions are often hard.  Here is what I do:

Don't lie - just tell them that you and the father parted ways.  I don't speak badly about my daughters father, but she knows that things were not good between us.  Just tell them that you did what was best and leave it at that.  

Good Luck I know it is hard as I have been there!  

Answer 22

It's possible that when your son is old enough to wonder about his father, he could try to contact him. People change, and maybe his father will be more mature and able to have a relationship with him then.

Answer 23

You need to paragraph and cut that up a bit because by the time you get to the end you have forgotten everything else that you have read.... that's probably whyy no one is answering becuase it is too much!