I posted this in pregnancy but I'm posting it again here.?

Question

I got a package in the mail today about adoption because I'm been thinking about giving my baby up for adoption. When I started looking through the packets I got a really sick feeling and then started to cramp.

Is this a sign that I shouldn't do it? I'm very hesitant to do it anyways.

The thing is I don't want to do it. I feel obligated to because my dad is pushing it. He doesn't thing my boyfriend will be there for the baby, but in my heart I know otherwise.

I feel like I have to please everyone and I can't do that.

He said that my mom wouldn't give me up when she was 20(I'm 19 and preg) because it was his baby, I don't want to give my child up because its mine. I know that sounds selfish but at the same time that is just how I feel.

And I know I shouldn't base my choices off of the answers I get from these kinds of questions, I just don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Answer 1

If you don't want to place your baby for adoption, then don't!!!!

It isn't your father's choice, it is yours. There are lots of resources out there for a woman in your situation, whether the father decides to stick around and help out or not.

Don't be pressured into giving up your baby if you don't feel in your heart it is the right thing to do.

Answer 2

I’m a birthmom. Please think long and hard before you make a decision to give your child up. It’s the most difficult decision you will ever have to live with. But, it is your decision to make, not your Dad’s. It’s a hurt that never heals, you will cry every birthday and Christmas. You will wonder how she is, what she looks like, is she happy, does she hate me, has she been abused, all these things will constantly be on your mind. If you decide to give her up, don’t keep her a secret, living a lie will just eat you up. Get counseling and read posts from other birthmoms and adoptees.

Since your Dad has already given a child up, he should know how hard it is to live not knowing your child or how he is, unless your dad is a heartless b******. Do not feel obligated to him, take your boyfriend and your baby and have a great life.

Reunion and couseling helped me to heal.

Answer 3

This decision is yours and only yours to make.

The big thing to ask yourself is: Are you ready to be a parent?  Choosing to be a parent is much much more than just "keeping the baby."  I am talking about your ability and willingness to grow up (quickly) and put this child first in your priorities.  If you are ready and willing to do this, then don't let anyone else change your mind.  It is not selfish to choose to parent your child.  

I was a teen mom and I can tell you there is a good deal of sacrifice involved in parenting.  But there are also great rewards.  I have no regrets.

Good luck, hon.

Answer 4

It's not your fathers decision. Maybe you should explain to him what the rest of us went through for years and are still going through because of the decisions we made. I got one of the best adoption stories ever. I have a great relationship with my daughter. We found her father, another good relationship, grandparents, brothers the whole nine yards BUT it took 28 years of wonderig if I had made the right decision, if my daughter hated me, if she was still alive, if she was being abused, if i would ever see her again. That's some real therapy material. There was self medicating, counseling, a lock up or 2, and some very real self neglect and abuse. Is this what he wants for his daughter? I'm not saying it's going to happen, i'm saying it can happen and no one will know how it will be for you until AFTER the papers are signed and it's too late. It may not start until the 1st birthday, you may be okay with your decision to relinquish, but so far it's not what you want according to your post. Bottom line he made his decisions regarding his kids and now it's your turn to do the same thing. Your child, your decision. I hope you make one you can live with.

Best of Luck

Answer 5

I think you should go with your heart. I am a 64 year old adoptive mother 5. I am truly grateful to the birth mothers of my children. Without them I would not be a mother. I am also a grandmother of 6. I know this joy. I tried to counsel one of my daughters into giving up her third child for adoption. She is not married and I was very upset with her when she allowed herself to get pregnant again. She refused to give up "my baby" (I think it has to do with her abandonment issues). This was a risky pregnancy for both my daughter and her baby. Both are fine now, Thank you God, and I am very bonded to this little angel. She is on this earth for a reason and is truly a gift from God. So is your baby. If you want to keep your baby - Then keep him/her. NO ONE has the right to tell you to give him/her up. You can take care or one child. Babies are hard work but what you reap from them is beyond belief.  Relax, make up your mind to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and look forward to your baby. Set your boundaries with your Dad, if he doesn't like it - too bad - when he sees his grandchild he will probably melt - if not it's his loss. If "daddy" (baby's daddy) says he'll stick by you , go for it - give him a chance. He may stand up to the plate.  Most Roosters like to see what they have produced. I don't mean to be crude, but take what you can from everyone one close to you. You are pregnant - be happy - enjoy the rest of your pregnancy - buy baby things - have your friends give you a shower. Sign up for WIC, Welfare, Medicaid, whatever you are eligible or entitled to. You deserve it right now. Later you can worry about working and day care. Right now you have to enjoy yourself and be HAPPY.  I wish I could be a mentor for you - email me if you want - [e-mail]

Let me know how you are doing. Good luck & God Bless

ellie

Answer 6

Its not selfish to parent your baby.  Don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want to do.  Keep your baby!  Good luck to you and your baby.

Answer 7

Keeping a baby or giving it up is not a question of being selfish, its a question of doing what is in the best interest of the baby.  You think the baby's father will be there for you. I think you need to not think about that right now but think about you and the baby. The baby's Dad may not be there for you, thats something you can not controll or even plan on.  Now there is you and the baby. Single mother's raise babies all the time. Money is tight and things are tougher than familes where there is two incomes but they get through. That is probably where your Dad is coming from. He wants you and the baby to have it easier. But your personal experience could be diffferent than your Dad's and he could be there to help you. There is a lot of if's. But that is how life is. One thing is for certain you choose what you think is best for you and the child. If you keep the baby, you will make choices that you think will be the best for you and the baby so choosing weather or not you give the baby up is no different. Its a hard choice but being a parent means making the hard choices. Your looking at the options of adoption, also look at your options if you keep the baby. You don't have to decide right now, right this minute. I am a Mom through adoption. I was choosen by a birth mother 3 times before I finally got a baby. Was it hard for me the first two times when the birth mother changed her mind at the last minute? yes. But life is hard sometimes and now I focus on my sweet children that I have.

Your in my prayers

Answer 8

First off, if you don't feel 100% confident that giving your baby up is the right thing.. DON'T DO IT!!

Your dad has ONE point....do NOT depend on your BF.. Teenage boys are NOTORIOUS for saying "I'll be there" when they get you prego, then slippig away as quickly as they can.. but seeing as you're 19.. maybe your BF is a bit more mature.. I'm just warning you so you won't be taken by surprised if he "hightails it out of there as soon as he can"

I kind of skimmed over the part about YOUR age and I was assuming that you were a much younger teen.. I saw "19" just as I was typing the part about your BF.. I just want to insert here that EVEN IF YOU HAD BEEN a much younger teen, my advice would still be the same.

1. you want your baby? Keep it! Don't let anyone force you to give it away..

2. You can make it work, BF or  no BF.. probably won't be easy, but it will be worth it..

But considering that you are 19, I'd like to add

You are legally an adult, your father can NOT make you give up your baby in any way possible..

You can work, for pete sake!! You CAN support yourself and your baby, BF or no BF..

Don't give your baby up.. it is YOURS

Answer 9

Do what's going to make YOU happy what feels right to YOU. Do  not let anyone pressure you into doing something they feel is right for you. They don't know what is going on inside of your right now.  There is plenty of state help if you need it well not only for the birth but also afterwards, as far as medical for the baby, formula for the baby, and even day care assistance.

Answer 10

If you are not 100% sure that you want to put your baby up, then don't. If you are being pressuered into it you will regret itthe decission because it wasn't really your decission.

I am not against adoption, but I don't think anyone should do it just because of what others are saying.

Please find someone that you can talk to about this and find out what resourses are out there for you.

Answer 11

If you're having ANY doubts about giving your baby up for adoption, I wouldn't do it.. Regardless of if the baby's father is going to be there or not. There are plenty of single teen moms out there that do it on their own. If you sign those papers and give up your baby, it's done. There's no going back.  If I were you I'd sit down and have a serious talk with your dad. Explain to him why you don't want to give up your baby. Talk to him about how he felt about you when you were born. ..There's an even deeper bond between MOTHER and baby than there is with father and baby.   If you're having doubts, I think it'd be a really bad idea to do it just cause your father wants you to. You said you're wanting to please everyone, but you have to realize that "everyone" doesn't matter. This is YOUR decision. Getting other peoples opinions is fine, but only you can decide what's right for you and your baby.

Answer 12

Your question made me so sad. Please don't lose your baby to adoption.

You need to focus on you, and your baby too. I am adopted and searched for my mother for over 20 years. Growing up I never stopped wondering about her, thinking about her, dreaming about her, and missing her. I wish I hadn't been adopted. I wish my mother had been able to keep me.

Here are some link that you may find helpful. Just know if you choose to adopt, you'll have a lot of pain. It won't get better. I'm sorry to tell you something scary, but few people will tell you the truth.

Keep Your Baby

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

Birthmothers Info

http://www.birthmothers.info/

Exiled Mothers

http://www.exiledmothers.com/

Here are some blogs by mothers who lost babies to adoption....

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Please don't let your father pressure you.

Answer 13

It sounds to me like you are really torn. the cramping is probably not  a sign of something medical, but is your body's way of telling you that you have too much stress right now.

You really need to find someone to talk to that will understand how you feel. I'm sure your dad means well, but he cant possibly understand what you are feeling right now.

I was pregnant at 16, if you need to talk, just let me know.

good luck

Answer 14

It's not selfish in the least to want to raise your own flesh and blood child.  On the contrary -- it's natural and selfless!

If you really don't want to give up your baby, then don't.  Far too many parents who have relinquished live in a lot of pain over the years.  It's not fair to you or to your baby to give him/her away if you want to raise him/her.

Even people who start out with a partner often end up single parents.  There are incredible numbers of great single-parent families.

Visit

http://origins-usa.org/

and

http://www.cubirthparents.org/together.h...

ETA:

Oh, my goodness.  Do NOT listen to to the poster who said to choose adoption because you can't go out and party anymore and you're strapped for 18 years.  THAT is selfish talk.

This is your flesh and blood child and giving it to strangers when you want to raise his/her is not in his/her best interest or yours.  You're an adult and this is your child.

Answer 15

If you don’t want to place your baby for adoption then don’t, otherwise you will end up regretting it. This is your decisions and the baby’s father. Now maybe your boyfriend will be there for you and the baby, maybe he wouldn’t. It does happen many young mothers are often positive their man will be there for them and the baby sometimes they are, sometimes they try but when reality of parenthood hits them they sometimes ditch, just a reality of life.

You just never know but hopefully he is a responsible young man and takes care of his child. Even if he doesn’t at least the baby still has you and hopefully your family too. There are many single parents nothing wrong with being a single parent , one is better then none.

Answer 16

Your baby, your decision. he can't legally force you to give up your baby for adoption.

Answer 17

Do what is best for your baby.  You probably know what that is. We don't.  But please make the decision as if you had NO help or support form your boyfriend or even your father.  This is a life that you would create and maintain for this child,  Boyfriends come and go.  Can you do this successfully alone?  If so, and nothing will stop you, then consider it.  If, on the other hand, you know in your heart that it is not the best decision for your child's life, then consider open adoption.

I don't believe in "signs" necessarily......many women have cramps during their pregnancy -- does that mean they are not supposed to parent?

Just take your time, go slow, step back and try to look at this decision for your child's sake and no one else's - not even yours.

If you have questions about either single parenting or adoption, go to the source  --  talk with other women through a single mothers' group, and a birthmother adoption support group.

The best of luck to you.

Answer 18

Throw away that information packet.

You say that you want to parent your baby, and you don't seem to think that you're incapable of parenting.  If the only reason you're thinking of giving up your baby is because your Dad wants you to... that's no reason at all. He got to make the decisions for his life. You are in charge of your life ...and your baby's.  Keeping your own baby is not being selfish.

Answer 19

Do you think its wierd that your question just came up in my google adoption alert from another site?

http://hostbuoy.com/adoption/8380/open-q...

Answer 20

My mother was pushed to put me up for adoption when she was pregnant.  She was only 14.  She decided to raise me alone.  It was with out a doubt the hardest thing she has ever done, and according to her the best and most rewarding thing that she has ever done.  I am now 27 and have the best mother in the world.  If you want this baby keep it and love and do the best that you can by it.  Don't let anyone tell you what is best for this baby, trust your heart and your motherly instincts.  It is half of you and it will hold all of your heart.  I wish you the best, please let me know what you decide.

[e-mail]

Answer 21

You are a grown woman and should make your own decision.  If you want to keep the baby then do so.  Your Dad is being unsupportive and very selfish.  He doesn't have to live his life knowing he'll never know his child.  Follow your heart and forget about Dad's feelings.  And yes I think the cramping is your body's reaction to how you are feeling emotionally about this.  Best of Luck to you!

Answer 22

please keep your baby.

Answer 23

Sweetie your an adult and allowing anyone else to make this decision for you is a MISTAKE! You sound to me as if you want this child and I can assure you that a 19 year old can be a GREAT parent. I know because I was 17 and did it. I was 17 and single and was still able to take care of my child because I wanted her and I used the resources like medicaid and food stamps to ensure that I was able to. I am now 29 and married for 10 years and have 2 amazing daughters. My husband adopted my daughter when she was 8 months old when her bio-father refused to even show up in court. Anyway you can do this. It is not easy, it is not always fun but it can be done if it is what you want. Good Luck, I hope that you find the strength to do what you feel is best for you both.

Answer 24

I'm very close to my parents though I realized I need to live my life best for me. I bet your Dad will spoil the baby just as much as you will. There are many groups for single parents to help you and meet some people, look in your classified ads, hospitals and churches. Don't want to afend you but pray!

Answer 25

If your gut is telling you no, then don't do it, there are resourses out there to help you just incase the father doesn't come through on his part.

Answer 26

You know in your heart that you want to keep this child.

All this child really wants is you.

You - as a mother - must love this child, care for this child, fight for this child.

Where there's a will - there's a way.

You CAN parent this child - and I think you'll be a GREAT mother.

Check out the links Theresa sent you if you need support or resources to parent.

My mother was forced by her mother to give me away.

She's an emotional mess to this day because of that - and I've missed her in my life. I'm now 38 yrs old.

Stand firm - for you and your child.

I wish you both all the very best in life.

Answer 27

The choice shouldn't be about whether or not you want to keep your baby. It all depends on how much you love your baby.

By giving him or her up for adoption, you're not telling them you don't love them. You are showing your baby that you love them so much that you want them to grow up with a nice loving family that can take care of your child. You can try an open adoption where you can see updates of your child.

However, if you are financially stable enough to care for a child, then it's your choice to keep him or her. But don't think adoption is giving your baby away because you don't want him/her. It's just a way of showing your baby how much you love them.

Both my brother and sister were adopted. My sister's birthmother constantly keeps in touch with us, while I've never even seen my brother's parents. They live in a wonderful large house with great parents, discipline, and 2 loving sisters. Not to mention that they are different races than us, so you don't have to worry about discrimination. Coming from someone with experience, if you can't care for your baby, show him/her you love them by giving them a better chance at life.

Answer 28

You have to think about this, its not about you anymore, its about the baby. Chances are the guy wont stick around. I have seen it in my friends, the second the baby is born its "well maybe i will want it later" or "i dont have time right now". do whats best for the baby. Its a life, not a doll. I think giving it up would be the best thing for you and the baby. The baby will have a chance at a normal life with a complete family and parents who have time. If you keep it, you wont be able to go out and party, or finish school or any of that. You will be commited for 18 years. And after a while, the baby wont be so cute anymore.

My boss is the CEO of Kinship Center, an adoption agency in Orange County. We see cases like this all the time. And there are programs where you can set your baby up for adoption and still be apart of its life. You can have visitation rights and meetings and your baby will know you are its mom. Look into it. And keep in mind that you need to decide whats best for the baby.

Let me know if you want more info on the Kinship Center, I will send some links and would even make a few calls if you want. A friend of mine (Also 19) just had her baby and at first didnt want to give it up, but when she thought about it she knew it was best. She did it through kinship center and is very pleased with the way it worked out.

Answer 29

Its YOUR baby, please make YOUR decision.

(MY PERSONAL OPINION only is I think you should keep it! You sound like you have alot of love for your baby already, and although your parents might not agree now they might come around and support you - your Mom at least being a young Mom herself)

Answer 30

Just an FYI, your e-mail box will have several women writing to you promising you the sun, moon, and stars, if you just hand over your baby.  Some people have NO shame.

Anyway, I hope you keep your baby.  Read this from a woman who almost gave hers away:

http://rondidondi.wordpress.com/2007/10/...

Answer 31

If you don't want to give your baby up then don't.  If your b/f stays in the picture great, but if not  then you can raise the baby by yourself.  Being a single mom isn't easy but it IS doable.  Besides, you are young and even if this b/f dosen't work out, you may meet and marry a great guy who would love to help you raise your child.