I put my daughter up for adoption and found out she was abused"?

Question

I'm having a real hard time with this.All these feelings and emotions are tearing me up literally inside. I was 16 years old when I decided to give my daughter to a family that could give her everything she wanted and needed.So she could ex cell in with life and get the life skills she needed That had to be the hardest thing I ever had to do!!!!!Give up my child. I researched the adoption field and was lead to believe that to be able to adopted a child you would have to be almost perfect. They said they would check out their background thoroughly. What happened here?For several years, my daughter was sexually molested by one of the parents(the mother) that adopted her.(OH MY GOD!! I DON"T KNOW WHY THIS HAPPENED!!We reunited a week ago and she is just a beautiful beautiful person. What should I do . What can I do. We are going to counseling but I am so angry I could do something really wrong to that woman that did this to my daughter. I failed as a parent and it hurts so bad!!!

Answer 1

Wow. You didnt fail as a parent. You still have a chance with your daughter. Your the one who can make her life great. If you feel sad about letting that happen to her (which is normal) then you can talk to your daughter about how you feel about the situation, if shes old enough. But you can also talk to a lawyer aboutt it..

Answer 2

well thank God she wasn't killed. That lady needs an azz kickin. don't blame yourself, you thought you did the right thing.

thank God your together and get the therapy you both need.

I personally am not for adoption and this is why.

Answer 3

Try not too worry this situation must hurt but do not try to blame your self! You only wanted the best for your daughter but now you feel you have let her down, but don't it ,wasn't your fault. I think you should talk to someone like family or go to proffesionals its really up to you. i hope you and your daughter are coping well.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Wow...this is a lot to take on. Take a breather for a second and calm down. You have taken the right steps as far as professional help.Make sure that you communicate all your feelings to your therapist, don't hold anything back.

It's really hard not to see yourself as a failure when things like this happen but you can't blame yourself forever. The damage is already done. You must focus on getting the proper help for you and your daughter to move past this, build a healthy relationship and help her to lead a positive and enriched life. We ALL make mistakes you cannot beat yourself up forever. Try to be a positive role model for your daughter, and help her to understand what a mother is supposed to be.

It is easy to be violent and revengeful when people abuse your children but trust me it's not worth it. The person who abused your child has everything coming to her!!! Your priority now is your daughter, and you don't want her to see you locked up some where for the rest of your life and hers. She needs you (her biological mother) now more than ever.

Answer 5

Sweetie, you did one of the most unselfish things any person could ever do.  You truly believed you were doing what would be best for your child.

What happened is horrible.  I cannot say that I would not feel the same as you if I were in your shoes.  But in all honesty, you did what you thought was best.  

It is wonderful that you have been reunited with your child.  Try to build new memories together. Don't let the tragic memories of the past rule and consume your lives.  Make a joint effort to deal with it, and move on.  You both have the rest of your lives to live and love each other.

Answer 6

First; stop beating yourself up.  You yourself were a child at the time you gave her up for adoption and you made the best decision that you could for all concerned at the time.  If there is anyone to blame here it is the sick woman who adopted your daughter and did this to her...and the adoption agency for possibly not doing enough checking.  You might be surprised at how often adoption has gone wrong.  So this was in no way your fault...or your daughter's fault.  You did NOT fail your child; then or now.  The fact that the two of you are going to counseling is a very good thing and eventually the two of you will be able to move beyond the pain of this and live happy and fulfilled lives.  If you continue to feel anger towards this woman maybe you should contact an attorney about any recourse you may have against her and the adoption agency.  Good luck to you and your daughter.

Answer 7

The important thing is not to ruin the future.

You can't change the past, whatever you do

but by going over and over it again and again, you keep the pain alive. Let the pain stop.

You replace pain with good things in life

Don't talk about it, no point except to remind yourself, and to fill your mind with it

Good luck with the future,

Answer 8

Don't beat yourself up. There are plenty of happy well adjusted adoptees out there to prove that it was a viable and

thoughtful choice on your part.

You did what you thought was the right thing at 16. I'm sorry this happened to you, but don't waist time feeling guilty. Your daughter will need you. And ask for guidance from God. Too many councelers don't really 'get it'. They will keep her in counceling for years when all you need to do is explain to her as she gets a little older that these things didn't happen to her because something was wrong with her- instead explain that you made a terrible mistake and that the person who molested her was just a bad person who doesn't love people.

Answer 9

You did not fail.  You did the right thing in choosing to have your child.  The abuse was not something you could control.  There is a lot of evil in this world.

Answer 10

Speak to her about your feelings and how angry and upset you are, and allow her to speak too, of course. You both need to understand that it was neither your fault nor hers that that terrible event happened to her. Of course, it was her adopted mother's fault, but the blame game does not need to be played here. The two of you both need to accept what happened and move forward by creating a relationship and bond between the two of you as mother and daughter by relating to each other and understanding each other. I completely understand your feelings of anger and shock and sadness, but you and she must understand that it was in neither of your control. You DID NOT fail as a parent. Your intentions were for the better of your child and the two of you must come to an agreement about that. Her adopted mother failed miserably as a parent, NOT YOU.

Answer 11

First of all, I am SO sorry that this happened to your daughter- however is not your fault- you unselfishly gave life to your precious little girl, and thought what you did was the best, however there are horrible people in the world, and that

adoptive mom needs to be charged with child abuse-  you say that your daughter is a beautiful girl- and I pray that your relationship with her will grow, and that God will heal her of her hurt- please do not blame yourself- you did what you thought best, it is completely her adopted moms fault.  love your daughter, and NO YOU DID NOT FAIL, the other women did.\\EDIT-  I never complain about getting thumbs down, but may I ask why I would get thumbs down for supporting this women?

Answer 12

Have you or your daughter filed charges with the police?  That's really all you can do.

I am so, so sorry.

Answer 13

Your a hero allright

Answer 14

It's not your fault.  The adoption industry portrays adoption as the most wonderful thing in the world, and cons mothers by saying how much better a life their children will have with an adoptive family.  You were lied to, no one is better than you to be your daughter's mother.  

Is your daughter living with you now?  If she's still living with that monster, she needs to get the h**l out of there quickly.  You are absolutely doing the right thing by going to counseling with her.  I can totally understand your anger,  but please don't do anything rash to get back at that woman.  You could end up in prison, and you need to be there for your daughter now.

You really should seriously consider bringing charges against the monster.  She could do something like this to another child in the future, and unless you say something, she may even be able to adopt another poor innocent child!  I think you should definitely talk to the counselor about this, see if it's something your daughter could handle at some point, it may even help her to get some closure on the abuse she endured.

Stay strong, wishing the best for you and your daughter.

Answer 15

I was not sexually abused my my adoptive parents, but I was physically abused by my amother.  She beat my abrother and I with leather belts, paddles, and anything else she could find.  I had welts on my back and bottom, and sometimes it broke the skin.  

But this was the 70's.  It honestly never occurred to me to tell anyone, because I didn't know it was wrong.  It wasn't until my aparents much younger children were NOT ever hit that I realized that this was my amother's fury about her two older adopted kids.  And when I think back, we were decent kids.  I think she just used us to vent her frustrations, because the punishments were far worse than the crimes' warranted.

I think you might like to join a first mother's group for help with your own anger about this.  I am so glad that you two have found each other!

For you:

http://www.origins-usa.org

For your daughter:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

Answer 16

I know people are trying to help, but I'm going to be straight forward about this.

It happened to me, too. It happens a lot more often in adoptive families than people realize. And the reason is: there is a bias in society that allows adoptive parents to do this. Posters here are suggesting you talk to the police or a lawyer. Nope. Sorry, it's a waste of time. I went to every school administrator and most of my teachers in every school I attended growing up. I've got my school records from my elementary school, so I can actually read where they wrote EVERY SINGLE YEAR that I was an ungrateful child for complaining about the people who "gave me a roof over my head." It was determined that there was something wrong with me for not appreciating "what they did for me."

No one investigated my injuries. No one listened to me and took me seriously. Adopting a child gives an adult a free pass to do whatever they want, no questions asked. Most are loving parents, thankfully, but there's no guarantee.

Yes, there are home studies, etc., but what does that prove? Talking with a social worker for a few hours is not enough. Besides, there are so many unethical agencies out there. The kinds of people who want to adopt for the wrong reasons are also the kinds who find the loopholes to get what they want.

You and your daughter will need therapy to help you deal with this awful truth in her life. But you will get no legal remedies.

You do get sympathy from me, and all the others like me who have been through it too. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Answer 17

I am so sorry for what has happened to your daughter and you.  This is not your fault at all.  You did not fail as a parent.  The adoptive mother failed as a parent.  You made your decision based on wanting your daughter to have a decent life, which you felt you weren't equipped to give her.   You could never have known this would happen.

Just keep being her mom, loving her, going to counseling, praying and staying close together.  I know the pain of relinquishment is indescribable, because my father had to relinquish me and tells me about it.  You lost each other once, but you have each other now to go through healing together.  You don't ever have to let each other go again.

I do, however, think that the abuser should be held accountable by law.  But that's entirely up to you two how to handle that.

Answer 18

it not your fault it happens

Answer 19

Thats why id rather have an abortion than give up a child for adoption because i dont trust anyone with my blood, not even my dog! People are sick!!!!!!! U just have to take mother control now and make her feel safe for the REST of her life, promise to always be there and keep her in counseling!

Answer 20

Try to get your daughter back and make up for lost time, that would help the healing process faster. Seek counceling together, and Make her understand why you gave her up and that the wrong family got her. And then tell her you love her and that now you will make things right. And Sue the h**l out of that woman.

Answer 21

Contact the police if you have not already and start going to see a counselor together with your daughter. It will help her get over what happened to her and it will help you with your feelings of failure.

Answer 22

I was an abused adoptee. I never blamed my natural mother for it. I felt it was my aparents fault and the fault of the system that allowed them to adopt.

Answer 23

You did not fail. You did nothing wrong. Your daughter is not at fault. All the blame lies with the A"mom". I am so sorry for your pain.

((( hug )))

Answer 24

none of this is your fault!  The Amom is totally at fault.  I would contact both a lawyer and the police to see if there is any way you can hold her accountable for what she did and make her pay.  Continue with the counseling and just being there for her.  You are a great Mom and you have every reason to be angry.

From personal experience, its best if there is anyone who was a witness to the abuse.  That would really help her case.  Usually there aren't witness though, and it comes down to one persons word against the other.  So it can be rough emotionally on her to relive all the abuse.  Be her rock.  Knowing she has you as a support is a gift beyond measure.  I will be praying for you and your daughter.

ETA  I would hire the lawyer and go to the police when your daughter is ready.  It should be her choice but continue the counseling and she will get there when she is stronger.

Answer 25

get a lawyer and ask him what you can do.  try to remain calm as this will show how responsible you are under pressure.  good luck.

Answer 26

Makes you feel like c**p, when I reunited with my bdaughter we wrote some long letters with how we felt and what had happened in our lives and she said she had been molested by a family friend. We felt horrible that this happened to her. She doesn't blame us. She doesn't blame her aparents, just the creep that touched her.

Answer 27

you should go for a legal action. i think try your best to punish that lady who had no humanity in her

Answer 28

Dont be so hard on yourself. and don't worry about that horrible lady, everyone pays back at some point, all you can do is give her the love you should of gave her since she was born, and reunite your relationship. i hope that lady is now in bars right????If not i would recommend getting her and the supposobly good company a sued...

Answer 29

Move on and get past this moment.  It will pass no matter how hard it may be.  Overall you will be a better person after and perhaps you can help the thousands of others with the same problem and how to get through it.

Answer 30

First you need to realize that this NOT your fault. You were 16 (young to be forced to make a life altering decision), you were led by a professional agency, led to believe that the family was more than suitable and what's more you were not a "fortune teller." You couldn't have known what was going to happen! Forgive yourself now!

Next, after the Police have been notified, because NO ONE should be allowed to get away with harming children, they do it again!

Then, you've got to pick up the pieces, but to be able to do that you need to get it together and "chin up". Your daughter needs you to be there for he and to help HER pick up the pieces:s she's trying to make sense of it all too.

So, forgive yourself, you were a kid, and just get on with helping her. You've got a chance to start over, rare in this world! It's never too late to fix things.

Answer 31

I am so sorry that happened. I have worked with people who have been molested and as hard as it is your daughter can stay the beautiful girl you know her to be her whole life. I will pray for both of you