I put this poem up last night, but didn't get any ways to improve it?

Question

Close your eyes,

And peer into the depths of your mind.

Within the darkness

Lies a maze.

Dark and foreboding,

Or blissful and calm.

Be warned now,

Walk too deep and you may be trapped.

Don’t be afraid,

Cast it aside and you may have lost yourself forever.

Turn left and right,

Go around corners,

Wander through.

Danger is in each step.

Dead ends may bind you,

Hidden creatures may attack.

Be aware,

Once you close your eyes and enter,

You will be searching through for all eternity.

Could you also tell me what you think it's saying? I want to see whether my message got across. Mainly, though, critique!

Answer 1

That is amazing!

Answer 2

I think poetry is very personal thing and people take it in different ways depending on their state of mind when they read it.

I do think it is a very good poem though.

You have a talent that I have always wished I had.

Can think of a few titles but because of the above reason it would probably be pants. But that you for sharing this. I really liked it.

Answer 3

Well every artist has a vision.....but a open minded artist can always draw a picture. Good work.

It seems like your poem is talking about a journey trapped in your mind, a difficult one. Caution. Being afraid and lost. Maybe obsticals that you have overcome.

Names for your poem:

"Waking Dream"

"Blackout"

" Mind Maze"

"Trapped In My Mind" Or "Trapped Mind"

That is all I could come up with 4 now.

I have to say that is is a little confusing...because your talking about the mind being dark maybe meaning disturbing and then like a maze maybe meaning confusing. then you say that it could be blissful & calm. Then you speak of danger and fear.

So there is alot of emotions there...I think that they need more defining....so that your poem is clearer.

I think that the "turn left and than right, go around corners, wander through." Should follow "Within the darkness lies a maze" Because it defines more of the mind being a maze.

Over all I think it is unique and I like the style......needs more to draw a picture in the mind.

I hope that helps a little. I'm a poet too....and it is a wonderful art. keep it up. U can email me @[e-mail]

Answer 4

I have no idea what you're trying to convey. Your poem reads just like any of hundreds I've seen before on Yahoo. To me it's nothing but pointless drivel. Maybe that's what you should title it:  Pointless Poem.

Answer 5

I TOTALLY LOVED it. The title could be "The unwanted maze" =)

Answer 6

its weird, it doesnt convey anything.  it seems like your trying too hard to be deep, it doesnt seem real.

Answer 7

But dont forget

trust and love can help

and so close your eyes, take my hand

walk forever under wonderful sky

you and me....for all the eternity.

I loved your poetry.....congratulations, was the sencond best that I have read today.

Answer 8

I LOVED IT!!! It kind of is how I feel, it's almost what I've been trying to say. You see, right now my friend situation is where I don't trust any of my friends and I'm always expecting one of them to betray me and all of them turn against me and I'm just wandering through life not knowing who to trust and expecting the worst. It's...it's like being in the dark. Oh man, if this was published and I could buy it I would, I like it the way it is! ^^

Answer 9

Like the person above, i think it's supposed to be describing the challenges and decisions of life, that you have to get through to get to the goal (the centre of the maze). i think the maze is a good metaphor for life.

i also like the structure. for some reason, the small stanzas, to me, gives a sense of calm, which to me links with the 'calmness' of closing your eyes and searching in your mind. :)

i dunno.

but i like the poem.

as for a title, i think it needs something simple. i would just call it 'The Maze'.

Answer 10

I can't help you on how to improve it - i think this sounds like a very personal poem, so i wouldn't want to mess with the integrity of the story you are telling.  Plus me grammer bad =)

But, i can tell you what i think it's about...  my first impression is that it's generally about life and choices you will have to make and obstacles you will encounter and road blocks you may find.  but always be aware of yourself and what you are doing.

if that is wrong (sorry) you may want the title to incorporate your message.  then it will be more clear as to what we need to think about when reading your poem.

bravo for sharing!