I quit my contact with married coworker--but is this too mean?

Question

We have flirted VERY innocently for months, emailing like crazy at times. I never accepted his previous lunch invitations (just to get a quick bite to eat). I'm proud of myself there. I have fallen for him very hard because he is so funny, attentive and nice. NO, he never complains about his wife, nor do we talk about her or my dating life. He is not a dirty dog. Our friendship is just light & fun, mainly consisting of emails. I met his wife once. He did introduce her to me, as being his coworker. I can tell they're happily married. Anyway, I couldn't take the pain anymore of knowing I will never have him. Just the fact that I want him is wrong and that makes me sick. He emailed me last a couple of weeks ago saying that he hadn't heard from me in a while. I haven't responded to him, which is 100% not me. I don't want to come across as rude or mean as he is a super nice guy who doesn't deserve that. I don't want to tell him that I feel what we're doing is wrong and that is why I am discontinuing our friendship, because it isn't wrong. He has never had any ill intentions, I have. So far I haven't been able to be just friends with him without wanting him. Oh, it is easy to avoid him at work, as we work on separate floors. Is there any other advice you can give me about this? Would you suggest I just busy myself with dating, hobbies, etc., so that I can soon be friends with him again (that way I am not mean and can learn to enjoy his friendship without ulterior motives)?

Answer 1

i respect you for making this decision. it was a hard one, but the right decision to make; and i know what you're feeling. i don't think he will think you are mean, although i can understand why you feel that way.

there was one time in my life when i was in the exact same situation (years ago). we were quite close friends, innocent on his part and he really just looked out for me; however i found myself starting to have feelings, so i asked counsel of someone i trusted, and she suggested i do just what you did. so that's what i did, and it not easy - i know how you feel.

later on, i met the guy again (through uncontrollable life circumstances, not at the job) and also his wife. now we all three are friends, but in a healthy way (he doesn't write to me, but, believe it or not, now SHE does, sometimes!). i love them sort of as family now. at that time when he came into my life again (not when i stopped emailing - this was much later) i told him - since i felt i just had to give some explanation for my sudden stop of emailing - that i just had felt uncomfortable about continuing to write, and you know what he replied? he told me that's what he had figured had happened. it was like it needed no explanation beyond that, and all was fully understood and things were OK.

if it makes you feel any better, know that this guy you have stopped writing to may figure it out on his own, and respect that, just like the guy in my situation did. if you happen to run into him at work again, just tell him you didn't feel comfortable about keeping on writing, since he's married and all. whatever you do, DON'T mention that you had/have feelings for him. that could end up destroying his marriage. he doesn't need to know that, EVER. i really believe, from what you've told us about him, that his religious faith will cause him to understand you completely and not hold it against you or think you are mean.

i really wish you the best. please don't let all of this be a major concern on your mind. you ARE doing the right thing and a nice guy like him is not going to think less of you, but will respect your reasons for doing so.

there are nice guys who know how to stay faithful to their wives even when they have to interact with other women at work, and he seems to be one of them, but that doesn't mean those nice guys are never tempted either (people may have happy marriages but that never means that the "other woman" or "other man" that is just a friend doesn't have traits that are better than that of your spouse, and that can lead to the wrong kinds of thoughts, or comparing that can lead to affairs)....so you always have to be careful because feelings often come unbidden, and the last thing you want to do is stand in the way of his relationship with his wife.

Answer 2

I'm sorry. But it is wrong. What makes it wrong, is that you are trying to have a platonic friendship when you have feelings. That doesn't work. You are right in discontinuing the friendship.

Get busy dating others! :)

Answer 3

Well, since he has introduced you to his wife? Did she seem annoyed in the least by your presence?   If not, makes me wonder if the two of them are into adding a third to their party, and they might be feeling you out so to speak to see if you'd be interested in joining them for an evening of fun.

*edit* I'm going to address the one that said married men can't have female friends, sorry to inform you, they can.  Don't get me wrong, there is a precarious point in every relationship where men can not have female friends... But it's strange, you go along most of your life thinking, I want her, her, her and her and her and her and her.  Then one day you wake up, you see a drop dead gorgeous woman and nothing happens, that's the day you can be friends with females as a married man.  It's really strange as i don't know how it happened or what caused it.

Answer 4

I actually think that breaking things off completely is the mature, right, moral thing to do not to mention smart & wise.  You might say only YOU had improper intentions but if this was MY husband innocently emailing and flirting with a single women I wouldn't consider it proper or innocent at all!  HIS heart and intentions were WRONG even if he had no real intentions of taking it any further.  He was still acting improperly as a married man.  I think offering no explanation is the best thing too.  If he presses for a reason you just tell him you think it is best and right to end the interaction and don't make more of it then just that.

Anything you do or stop doing to end this is NOT rude or wrong in any way.  He shouldn't expect anything from you and you shouldn't have any expectations of him either.   It is quite honestly the best thing you can do for yourself to STOP THIS now before things progress (or regress) into something worse or more - because they could whether you think they won't or not.  Trust your feelings & heart which right now are leading you in the right direction.  YOU don't want to inflict more pain on yourself here.  YOU need to meet and be with someone who can offer you their WHOLE HEART - you know this!

Answer 5

You are right to back off because you have feelings. The one person's feelings that have not been raised here are his wife's. Yes, you met her, but does she know about the emails? I would say she doesn't. Perhaps he is mailing from work and not home or when she is out... whatever the reason he has a wife who has real feelings. He married and promised himself to another woman. By the conversations and emails perhaps you are being turned to rather than his wife? You are fun, you don't share bills or life's problems (somewhat like the "Disneyland Dad" in divorces with children). You don't have the stress of life in your relationship at work so you are the fun one for now. He knows that the two of you can just have fun and converse without the lulls in a relationship. Who knows what his intentions are, but the more energy he puts towards you the less he is going to give to his wife. You will be the fun one and the one he looks forward to. If a long series of events were to happen and you were the one at home, you would then be where his wife is now. With that situation you would not be all fun all the time, much as none of us can be.

There is no harm in talking. There is no harm in friendships. When it becomes more, there is a problem. If I was in your position, I would privately have a brief talk with this man. I would let him know that over the course of _____ months you have enjoyed the talks and emails. I would let him know that sometime along the way he became very attractive to you and that you need to keep your distance because you are not going to go after a man who is off-limits. There are so many men out there. Spend more time with one that lacks a wedding band. The more time you spend with other men, the more chance you will have to fall for one of them! We can't control who we have feelings for but we can control whether or not we act upon those feelings. It sounds like you already know what you should do - and if I were his wife, I would thank you for backing off and being honest. Too bad more women can't be that way. Your prince will come along, just look elsewhere! Best wishes.  

Answer 6

married men do not have female friends, if you have feelings for this married man, get away from him, don't become a homewrecker

Answer 7

Maybe you should just be completely honest with him. Tell him that spending time with him is making you have feelings for him and you know its wrong because he is married. Let him know you arent trying to be rude or ignore him but you cant figure out how to be friends with him without having these feelings.

If you are trying to avoid telling him how you feel,I guess your only other choice would be to avoid him at work forever, which could be a little bit difficult.

Answer 8

Your wrong, he has had the same intentions you have.  If you don't want to have an affair with him, and that's up to you, then stop all contact now and don't worry about hurting him.  If you want him then go to him.  It's as simple as that.

Answer 9

ggggrrrrr.   this is what married men innocently dont get.  yea right.  

i believe every word you have said.  he is flattered by your friendship and in a not too friendly way is using you to feed his ego in a lazy, nonchalant way knowing full well that you as a single woman and he as a happily married man  sharing all kinds of convo and texts and time are not on the same page.  

it would be great if you dated some.  and if you are uncomfy emailing him, then you have my full permission to ignore him completely.  

i didnt say confront him, i didnt say be rude to him, i didnt say speak behind his back about him, i didnt say act like you are angry at him,

just ignore him.  guess what, you have every right to your feelings and your personal space and time.  you dont owe him anything.    be cordial at all times, same way you would with the janitor or the president of your company.  same exact way.  

congrats on your personal ethics making you uneasy.  i promise you that you are on the right track.    i salute you.  your ethics and convictions and ability to resist temptation and act in your own best and higher  interests, will serve you well in life.

Answer 10

If you send e-mails to him, just make sure they are only jokes forwarded.  You do need to back off from him.  He is married.  You need to make sure the friendship does not go any further.  He is "hands off" to you.  Start dating a guy and brag about him to this friend of yours.  It will also keep him at a distance too.  It will let him know you are not going to let your friendship go any further, you are not interested in him in a romantic manner and you only want him as a friend.

Just remember this.  God has one of his 10 Commandments of Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.  Even if you have in your mind, you have in the eyes of The Lord and you will have to answer for that to Him.  So, be careful about your thoughts and especially your actions.