I really don't understand this regarding adoption?

Question

i don't deal in absolutes. i haven't walked in anyone's shoes to say what they were thinking when they placed for adoption or adopted a child.

I don't agree with calling all adoptive parents greedy, because that would mean i was insulting mine, i don't agree with calling all first parents mean names because i have not been in their situation before.

Answer 1

I honestly believe they do not know what reform means. They think it is a slap in the face to good adoptive parents and they want to protect them from reform. I have never heard anyone say they wanted adoption abolished. They want reform, to keep kids from dying and being tortured by the adoptive parents who are nothing like what they were raised by.

Some people can't distinguish bewteen adoptive parents and adoption agencies. Agencies are whom reform is directed at not good ethical adoptive parents.

Reform would be to try and insure that all adoptees got good ethical supportive parents. Ones who care about the well being and the best interest of the child. Even if that means having a relationship with their first parents providing it brings the child no harm.

As far as labels go, I laugh at them. You can not let someone make you feel unworthy without your permission. I'm a hazy, remoresfull, cockroach, crackwhore to some and it doesn't matter because my daughter found me and I'm not sorry she did. Had she waited a little longer I might have looked for her. But that's between her and I and nobody else. Not her adoptive parents, not the agency, no one but her and I. Because I have a right to a relationship with my daughter. The reason I have that right is because she gave it to me. And yes as good as she had it we both still want reform.

Answer 2

I don't read all of the questions here, but don't really see that first mothers are disrespected in most posts (there are exceptions). As a generalization I think they are amazing, strong, and usually have the best  interest of their child in mind.  I met my daughter's first mother only near the time of my daughter's birth, but she is warm, charming, pretty, smart... I would love ongoing contact with her, but that isn't what she wants. She has  an older  girl that she is raising as a single mom, and that is all she felt she could handle. I certainly don't want her to fall of the face of the earth, and hope that one day she and my daughter will have a good relationship.

Answer 3

As a lot of you know I am a birth father. What I have come to learn in my 64 years on this planet is that when there is an issue of this nature, people have mind sets. I can't emphasize that enough. I have my own mind set on things so I cannot throw any stones and I won't. It's like arguing about abortion(pro-life or pro-choice). All the talking in the world and all the legislating won't take away the mind set. It's there and it's ingrained. People do not change(I know there are some rare exceptions, but you know what I mean) On my end, I got the baptism of fire on the adoption issue. My wife is very insecure as mentioned above by the first person. As a result my daughter is not welcomed at all big time. On my daughter's end, her husband doesn't want me around the two children(girls, I am their bio-grandfather) My daughter also has an aunt that does not like it at all she has pursued any type of relationship with me. You can't change the hearts and minds of people, but you can legislate laws in favor of adoptees who are the ones at the center of the issue. It's about them, no one else. it's their identity they seek.

Answer 4

I am so sick of these arguments on here. People see this as a black and white issue when it is mostly grey. There are a few angry birthmoms and adoptees on here that will never get it no matter what you say. And a few adoptive parents that think of birthmoms as a baby machine with no feelings or heart. They will always fight, I ignore them.

I think most people see the need for adoption reform. I also think most people feel that birthparents should do all they can to keep their babies. Even though those angry adoptees and birthparents will give this a thumbs down, we are more on the same page than they think we are but just because I have adopted children, I am the enemy because they need someone to blame.

I don't get that feeling on here about MOST people thinking that BP's should drop off the face of the earth. In fact, I see alot of support and respect for BP's. There are some situations like the comment below me where the BP's just were not good to their children but I think we mainly talk about adoptions outside the system. I think BP's should never have to be "found" because they should never be lost in the first place. Most adoptive people I know are supportive of their children finding their birthfamilies because they love their child. The few I know that don't support it are insecure parents that don't want whats best for their child. It will come back to them someday.

Answer 5

Yes, I agree that things need to be reformed but at the same time one solution will not fit all situations.  If it is legislated that birth parents be allowed contact with children they place for adoption then that negates the adoptive parents rights to parent and decide who their children have contact with.  

While such legislation may be good for some children who would benefit from such contact it could be bad for just as many.    The birth parents of my second adopted child (I don't differentiate any place other then here for clarity of the discussion) are both crack addicted and the father is in prison.  They couldn't even attend for the weekly visitations that they were allowed while their biological daughter, now my adopted daughter, was in foster care.  Granted, they have problems and addictions that I can never understand but at the same time it's not something I want my daughter exposed to and I feel it will do her more harm then good.  When she is older and able to handle things she will be told more and more about her bio parents and if the day ever comes that she wants to meet them I will do what I can to support her but thats different then having things legislated.  

With so many different circumstances out there it's almost impossible to create legislation suitable for everyone's situations.

Answer 6

You are really stuck in absolutes, aren't you?

I am an adoptive parent and I pray for my child's birth mom and dad every day.  What they did has resulted in much joy and goodness.  "First parents" as you say are brave, loving, sacrificing and lots of other wonderful things.  Truth told, its much easier to just terminate.  

My son is a very happy child.  When he gets older and understands more, he will have pain from his loss.  That is normal.  If he wants to find his birth mom I will do what I can to support him.  Furthermore my wife and I and the dozens of other adoptive parents I know are not greedy. (Who makes this stuff up?) We adopted out of love.

There will always be problems and there will always be pain.  That is part of life.  Yes we should strive to make things better, but just because something isn't perfect, doesn't make it bad or broken.  

The fact is 99% of the stories you hear in the media about adoption are negative.  Pay attention and see if I'm not correct.  In fact, I know dozens and dozens of adoptive parents, children, and grown children.  99% of those situations are good.  Tell me that doesn't affect people.  So you tell me what the real problem is?

Answer 7

Healing,

I don't get it either.  If as an adoptive mom, i reject my children's First Parents i am rejecting a part of them.  My children's First Parents are a part of them.  A part of my child.  I love my child completely.  Therefore, i welcome her First Parents fully into our lives.

*** I do recognize this is not always possible***

In my case, there are no drugs, or abuse.  There is no reason to shut people, who love her out of her life.  Our DD's First Parent's made the best they could out of a difficult situation.  I will not judge them for that.  First Parents deserve our respect.

Answer 8

No kidding..... There too many stereotypes going around the adoption world.

Some just can't see people as people rather that a first mother, adoptee or adoptive parent.

Many of the people who make silly statements are either out to hurt people for their own ego boost or they just know NOTHING about adoption.

There is no excuse of any of it other than people are either ignorant or hateful. I admit I've been ignorant and said some hurtful things and now realize what I said was wrong, but I never did it to hurt anyone.

I don't think that first mothers are evil. So are just like in the natural family world, but their not all saints either.

I find it so strange how when someone considering placing their child is labeled and a evil perpetrator, but then if she had already place she is treated as a victim by others.