I really need an ADOPTEE'S help!!!?

Question

i found out i was adopted when i was about 4 years old. my parents explained it to me as best you can to a 4 year old. since then, ive grown up and every couple years i would ask new questions. i am now 17 & not a day goes by that i dont think about my mother, brother, or sister. i have a picture of my sister as a toddler and my mothers first name is all i know. my dad dipped out before i was even born. by law, i cant meet my birth mother until october. for so many years i have imagined what it would be like....then i heard some crazy stories about people meeting their birth parents. i am now nervous that my mom will end up being kookoo after imagining her as being perfect. ive also heard that when you meet your birth mother its like meeting someone off the street...is that true? how was it meeting your birth mom for the first time?

Answer 1

No one knows what it's going to be like for you.  But I do hope it goes well.

For me, meeting her was the most perfectly normal experience of my entire life.  I knew immediately that this was my mother.  She's not perfect, and neither am I, and that's probably always going to be a source of struggle for us, but that's okay.  It certainly wasn't like meeting a stranger for me.  It was meeting my mother for the first time in decades.  She was nothing like I expected.  And yet, she was my mom.  

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

I believe it is a good idea to get real. Your mother is not perfect, nobody's mother is perfect.

She might be a great human being (but she might not), full of good things and bad things, like you.

All experiences regarding meeting birth parents are different... some are kookoo, some are indiferent and indolent, some are wonderful... some are eager to meet their children, and some are not.

Try to relax and be open for whatever may come... try to make it an enriching experience and to get the most out of it. I can see you're terrified about meeting her and I'd like to suggest you make sure you're ready to do it... if you believe you need a little more time... take it!

What I can assure you is that it is never like meeting someone off the street... never!!!

Look for professional advice.

Answer 3

The truth is she's not going to be perfect, and you should not expect her to be perfect.  She's human, like the rest of us, and it's unfair to expect her to be anything other than herself.

Meeting your mother for the first time is not anything like meeting a stranger off the street, and it is exactly like meeting a stranger off the street.

There's more expectation there on both sides, for one thing. For another, there is a biological connection.. you have the same genetics, and your brains work in similar ways.  But you don't have a lifetime full of common experiences that you can draw on for background.

There was an instant connection for me, but not all adoptees feel this.  There were things that thrilled me, and things that disappointed me.

There is a balancing game that adoptees have to become expert at to avoid bruising anyone's feelings.  I've become quite good at it, but it often means swallowing my own feelings.

I hope you find your family, and that the family you have now is ok with that.

Answer 4

Well, nice to see a non-adoptee stepping in there and telling you to be grateful right off the bat.  Real nice.  

I AM an adoptee, and I HAVE gone through reunion.  So I, for one, can speak with real life experience (and don't worry, I won't sit here and tell you that you should be grateful or that you should feel this way or that...how condescending and RUDE).

When I met my mother, she was the sweetest, nicest, and most normal person on the planet.  We shared so many things in common...from having the same nose and eyes right down to the way we both loved the color green and were both very quiet and reserved and had very laid-back personalities.

Yes, in a way we were like "strangers", but then again, we were not.  We were mother and daughter, and it was very clear to see that.

The first time I heard her voice on the phone, I can swear to you, it sounded as familiar to me as my best friend's, or my own a-mother's...it was as if I had heard that voice a thousand times before.  Maybe my subconscious kept the memory of her voice buried deep inside for all those years; IDK; but there it was, it was as if I knew it very intimately.

When we met, it was very gratifying.  I finally felt like a whole person.  Words cannot even explain how it is to finally see yourself in other people (I met my entire family that day) and to see where you get your likes and dislikes, your personality, your talents and your hair color.  So many unanswered questions come to be.

My mother was no crazy person or no homeless drunk; she was just a young teenager who was taken advantage of by a ruthless adoption agency and she regretted it every single day.  We had a great reunion.

I hope yours will be too.  Good luck (and don't let guilt about your a-family get in the way...this is YOUR time to get your questions answered and to fulfill YOUR needs!!!  If your a-family loves you, then they should understand and SUPPORT you, not HINDER you.)

Answer 5

it is like meeting a stranger and they placed you for adoption for a good reason. It is natural to think perfect off them but train your self to think other wise so if your right your not disappointed.

My first meeting was awkward and they were crying and i felt nothing but oh well thats why i have a pointy nose..........

Answer 6

I expected my b-mom to be perfect, an instant mom. Stupid of me I know, but I was 16 if that helps.

Try to accept that she's human and not perfect - though that may be hard. It is for me.

If you want to meet her, you might as well try. I thought my b-dad might reject me, but I couldn't stand not knowing. Now I'm in contact with him too and he's a nice guy.

They are strangers because we didn't grow up with them, but many people find strange connections with them and lots of times, they're very nice, normal people. I'm in contact with both my b-parents and yes, I have struggled with accepting that they're not the perfect parents of my imagination and other issues (like they have younger children who they kept but didn't keep me - despite the 20 year gap between me and my little brothers & sisters, I still struggle with this)

I'd say go for it. Maybe get some counselling beforehand & afterwards (preferably adoption-focused counselling with a counsellor who wont tell you to be grateful for your adoptive parents). Maybe find adoption forums online. They've really helped me. The support from people in similar situations and who can understand is great and something I don't have in real life because I don't know any adoptees in real life well enough to discuss stuff like that.

Good luck, I hope you find what you want x

Answer 7

I've only known people that have been adopted and all I can say is what ever you do be thankful for the ones who adopted you, don't forget they love you and have done so much for you. Yes the ones I know who have met their birth mom it wasn't like  they expected and it was like meeting a stranger.

Answer 8

It depends on what the situation was when you were adopted. Reunion can be scary, and you MUST be aware that not everything turns out rosey and sweet. You have to go into reunion with an open mind. If you get your hopes up and it doesnt turn out like you hoped, then that can do alot of damage. I wouldnt say meeting your birth mother is like meeting someone off the street. But she is a stranger, and you must get to know each other if thats what you both want.

Meeting my birth mother was wierd. I went with so many different thaughts, and she turned out to be different to what I was expecting. We didnt hit it off straight away, infact, things were pretty strange, and it took a few meetings to open up and begin getting to know each other. If things work out for you, then it will be great. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 9

Sigh, you will face alot of that BS that Mommy is Expecting spouted.  Ignore it.    Wanting to know the truth of your origins or meet your original family has nothing to do with how you feel about your adoptive family!  It's just a guilt trip that you don't need right now urgh

I listened to people like this when I was your age and it stopped me from searching.  So much wasted time!  Don't let that happen to you - you go for it, if that's what your heart wants you to do.

This is between you and your family and they only people who can tell you how things were is them.

I found my family last month and yes, it was frightening.  But you know what?  All the ignoramouses who told me "she gave you up for a reason so leave it be" and "she didn't want you" and "how can you do that to your adoptive family" were WRONG in every way.  The truth is so liberating.

You never know what to expect.  Everyone has a different experience some awful stories and some lovely heartwarming stories

It's normal for an adoptee to imagine their mother as perfect we don't have any facts in front of us so all we have is fantasy.  Just take your time and prepare yourself and whatever you find, at least you'll have filled in the missing pieces

Knowing the the truth is better than living in darkness and fantasy IMHO

Take courage and I wish you all the best.