I really need some help with dealing with this situation.?

Question

Hi everyone,

I am English and my now-husband is American.

We married last September.

Prior to marrying we were together for a year, but 6 months into our relationship when we were both in our own countries, I have found out that he was:

Flattered by his ex-girlfriends email attention so ...he tehn asked her for her number and...invited her around to his place...and he picked her up in his truck and then brought her home at the end of the evening.

They have not spoken since (I know this for sure, being an investigative female and all!!)...but I found out by accident in his Facebook account that this whole incident took place.

Anyway, I wanted answers about this pursuit of her he had...and eventually after several fights he has admitted that he was horny and wanting s*x and he thought it might happen between them both. He says that when he was driving to pick her up his conscience kicked in and he says he realised he was being an idiot doing this. He then spent the evening with...

Answer 1

take my advice he has now the ability to cheat on you.  my bf did the same thing - he used to work night shift and when i thought he was coming straight home he was in fact giving this well known slapper a lift to work after he'd finished( i mean it isnt even on his way home it was about 15miles from home).  he swears blue nothing happened as does she but i dont care i know he fancied her in the past and those feeling just dont go away.  its cheating even if you wanted anything to happen in my book.  i hate him for hurting me, betraying me and our son and being deceptive.  even when i confronted him he denied it all - he saved her number as john.  im staying put for our son - i can mask my hatred and suffer for my son.  its obvious you cant forgive him for this and i think you're justified.  just look inside and see how much you love this man and how much you want it to work.  ive been told trust can be rebuilt - i dont believe in that c**p.  its been a year since it happened to me and i still look at him and hate him

Answer 2

This isn't meant to sound cruel but really, the past is the past.

Why spend all this time and effort trying to dig up things that happened (or in this case didn't) ages ago.

You are now (happily I assume) married, he's not in touch with her, regrets the thoughts and loved/loves you.

You are judging his actions then based on his feelings and actions now. He didn't KNOW you were going to get married, there were no certainties, but ultimately the guy had an opportunity he didn't take and things have moved on.

Drop the past and what MIGHT have happened and look to a happy future.

Answer 3

Oh sweet LADY!   Your husbands conscience kicked in!!!  THIS is A GOOD thing to know HE HAS!

I offer this article from my book:

If allowed I would counsel ALL women in how to make a marriage work. I wrote this first part in 1998.    ****  I was divorced- at home with my 11-month-old. One night 3 of my friends came by to take me out for an evening. I protested that I just wanted to stay home with my baby! I told them I had no sitter, they said "we brought one". I told them I had NO money, The said "we got some".......... So off we went to a bar of all places! We were sitting at a table together and I looked across the smokey room - to see a man with the most INTENSE blue eyes staring at me. He gave me instant shivers. I did not have enough confidence to think he would be interested in me, so I looked away. With in a couple minutes he was by my side asking me to dance. NEVER in my life did I feel graceful enough to dance in public. But I said okay. The music was a kind of bluesy heavy bass song......I started to move with him, trying to match his style.....with in a couple minutes - other people started to back away to watch us. I was mostly aware of how ALIVE this man made me feel. I WAS DANCING....I was alive! For the first time in MY life I felt strength and worth. All of this from a dance. I did not want to be alone anymore! This man has been my dance partner in life for 15 years now. Not all of them happy songs, but EVERY one of the dances has been worth it... to reach the LOVE we have for each other.****

2008, Today I sit and review these dances, 25 years plus a few weeks beyond that meeting that gave me shivers....We truly have heaven on earth. Husband does not always recognize this, as he is of a different mind set than me~ THANK GOD! Back in the 8o's when we could have parted ~ read I WANTED HIM OUT~ God led me to know that for the greater good we belonged together. I had married husband under the eyes of God , so I listened to God. God IS my compass and my husband is my reward/punishment depending on the moment. However punishing some moments may be to my psyche, my psyche can take it and SO CAN yours.

We ARE the women! We are a sisterhood of information and LOVE. Through all time, women take out frustrations on each other because we can get away with it . We also KNOW who to turn to for counsel! EACH OTHER, a sisterhood THERE for the asking! Let me repay my sisters by telling you what I know to be the truths. Humans are a well documented oddity... ALL of this is based on FACT... not opinion.

In modern times, we are robbed of the level of LOVE that was intended for us as couples. A women's capacity to give is MUCH larger than most Men. We are designed to be care givers,~in a world that says "SELF" is more important. Sad really. It makes life harder and colder than it really IS.

A man IS born to take care of US... argue if you will, but it is genetic and is carried on since the beginning of time. Conflict enters OUR relationships when we try to "be of the world" instead of holding on for THE reality of the duties of life.

The reality IS: YOU can HAVE heaven ON EARTH too!!

Marriage is NOT about self. Self worship leads to a "sibling" relationship. Don't know about YOU, but I left home to get away from brothers. If we put husband in "Training" to be a "girl friend" to us or argue about WHO got MORE of WHAT.... your men WILL be LESS than they are meant to be. The sibling actions just hardens the hearts of all involved. Shutting down parts of each other that will not be allowed to grow.

If not allowed to grow? You are robbing others too. Taking away from a world that NEEDS adults mature enough to LOVE their neighbor, care for THE children... A world that needs mature women to HOLD the hand of a sick friend, hold a baby for a sad friend or bake a cake for a pot luck dinner. A woman that will honor their mother and father AND their husbands mother and father. YOU will be stealing from the world if you do NOT write letters to others in order to help the next set of sisters. You will not have the heart needed to accomplish ALL you can BE if you do NOT follow these guidelines.

The "secret" If WE want a TRUE husband? To make a true husband you must be about YOUR husband. Nurture his ideas, and do NOT belittle him. Good old fashion dedication to the man YOU love will BUILD him up so that HE may KNOW the level of which YOU love him. Giving him the peace of mind needed to grow HIM up to a man that enjoys life and LOVING YOU. LET your man help at home, don't NAG him to help. Tell your husband your secrets, LOVE him for making suggestions on how to "fix the problem". Do NOT criticize him for OFFERING to help you. THAT is HIS job, GROOM him into service with LOVE and RESPECT for his purpose. Cater to him as YOUR husband, be his maid, his cook , his lover and when he is having a bad day do NOT say "whatta' bout me?" Hug him instead and say "how can I HELP YOU. and..... THEY lived happily ever after.~Debra

Answer 4

People make mistakes, it's what they do to rectify the situation that counts. At the end of the day if you're sure he didn't cheat do you really want to terminate a good relationship.

Answer 5

Its no good asking what if it HAD happened - it didn't. don't torture yourself and him over something in the past. You know nothing happened, so just try and let it rest now. It must be irritating, but its history. the fact that he didn't tell you and you found out on facebook must make it worse, but if he had told you, you probably would have gone mad and not believed him. I think in some ways it is best you found out now. the man made a mistake, his conscience kicked in because he loved you. You were in different countries, he was lonely, doesn't make it right to go pick this girl up,  but he spent the night talking about you. Time to let it go and enjoy your marriage.

Answer 6

You need to make a decision for your own peace. Either you accept the situation and look ahead or you just forget about it all. After all you promised in good and in bad times. Things happen and going over everything non stop wont help. You are married now. So you both entered a big commitment! Perhaps you both see a Counsellor to sort things out. But giving up is always the easiest way! Good luck

Answer 7

Hi D Angel

I think that most will probably advise you to kick him to the curb, however what i will say in his defence is he was not proven to be a liar after the fact, and within relationships we all potentially could make a mistake, not because we think we will not be caught, but because we are 'all' fallible.

Ultimately the relationship you are asking people to give you advice on is 'yours'.

It is unfortunate, but no excuse that your 'husband' has decided that it is appropriate to be in contact with another woman to satisfy whatever need he has.

Furthermore i truely believe that even when we are content, no one person can be all things to any one person, so i think a 'pragmatic' approach is a common sense one.

Fundamentally i think having said all of this, it is important to remain 'aware' as i would say that there is an alarm bell ringing in the distance.

If you do not trust him, then i think it is safer for your own self-preservation to cut your ties with him as this incident will become an ever reoccuring theme.

I do not believe in giving advice to anybody excepting my children, as i feel that is my moral duty, i feel that 'directives' are much more effective in that it's important to facilitate people arriving at resolving issues relative to their personal circs as we are all ultimately our own best advisors.

We fall short often because we do not trust our own 'inner power'.

I think that marraige is the ultimate commitment that two people can enact, and i think all too often we discard and accept things all too easily as this has become the broad trend within society.

As a 1st step i think you should sit in silence and try to see things, not how you want them to be, but how they simply are.

Then it's important to make a decision, and be committed to that decision whatever YOU decide to do.

I really hope your situ renders a positive outcome either way.

Take care and be well

GA

Answer 8

You sound sure he's telling you the truth ... You need to let this go .. It was before you were married and he didn't end up doing anything with her .... If you can't let it go and get on with your life with him ,do yourself a favor and divorce him now . don't be a B**** who holds on to it and makes you both miserable.

Answer 9

Hi DA.  Poor you.  I really feel for you...and also for your silly husband.  He's been a complete fool hasn't he.  1) He's come clean about it to you and his story sounds plausible.  He's also grovelling bigtime so he obviously wants to stay married to you.  2) Despite this hiccup, he married you and has been a good husband.  3)You know he's not been in touch with the ex g/friend since then and nothing happened between them at the time.  What did happen was all in his head.  4) He's shown a measure of immaturity in going so far as to meet her - but also a measure of maturity by back-pedalling and not following his instincts. 5) The big one is that he's now completely lost your trust and will have to spend a great deal of time regaining it.  I think you should put him on probation.  I also think he should get rid of this Facebook thing.  What's he doing confessing in public on there?  He should be studying you, not faffing around getting emails from other women.  If you decide to stay with him, don't fling this up at him during every argument you have - and I know it's hard, but TRY not to be suspicious of him.  This episode has really knocked your confidence so I think you should get yourself some counselling so you can sort out your own head and not dwell on it - and he should pay good money for this counselling for as long as it takes.  He owes it to you and that can be part of his penance.  He should pull his socks up and make a HUGE fuss of you for a LONG, LONG time to prove his contrition.  Get that counselling to improve your confidence.  You need it.  Good luck.

Answer 10

You seem genuinly conviced he's know telling the truth. If your now both living together there should be no reason for him to be unsatisfied for a long time and wish to seek it elsewhere. I think he made a real mistake and is sorry. It may take a while but your relationship is still young enough to heal. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and try and move past it.

Answer 11

Well i have different standards as that to me is so low its really another world altogether, very sad.  The worst feeling is not necessarily that trust has been broken or you have been betrayed(but which are still obviously factors) but that you have been humiliated which unfortunately usually derives from selfish motives. This applies to all cases of infidelity, or close-to infidelity.

Now thats not to say you have been done a wrong which you obviously have.  Again, unfortunately, i wouldn't like to advise you and what to do rather state a few ideas....

Answer 12

You need a lot of input so you can come to your own conclusion.