I recently kicked my 19 year old son out of my house due to smoking weed, lying and stealing?

Question

He got in trouble with the law and put on probation. He moved in with me 4 months ago as a last ditch effort to help get him straightened out. He had been living w/his dad. I required he find a job and follow the house rules. For 2 months things went ok. Still no job but starting GED classes & following the rules. Then he started going downhill, breaking all the rules, lying, money coming up missing and started smoking weed again. As hard as it was, I kicked him out. He was gone 4 days and had to sleep in the local park one night. He called his dad and he is letting him move back in with him. His dad has kicked him out too before and I just feel like he's making a big mistake letting him move in. I don't feel he'll ever learn his lesson at this rate and we've already given him multiple opportunities. I know it's his dad's decision but I'm a little upset that he's ruining any possibility of this snapping my son out of his destructive behavior. Am I wrong about this?

Answer 1

my 20 year old brother was kicked out my house for the same reason. He has no job, no plans no future.

It's been hard on my family, expecially my mom, but kicking hm out has been the best thing for him. For the past few month he has had to lean how to survive on his own. My brother has slept on the streets and God knows where else, he is now staying with a friend, but who knows how long that will last.

You're right in thinking it's a mistake for his dad to let him move back in. And I'm sorry with all that you are going through. But you have to know that you did the right thing by letting him go.

They need to know that you're not kicking them out, but your letting them pull themselves up on their own.

Hope things get better

Answer 2

I think that you are doing the right thing. I understand that it must hurt.  Speaking from experience you are doing the best. My mother Kicked me outta the house at 4am with 2 kids for less then that!! I was told that I was going to get kicked out if i kept talking to my boyfriend... Well i sure kept talking to him and my mom threw me out on the street!! I still to this day feel it was very wrong. But, You have to respect the house of the person that pays the bills.. He needs help! & you cant keep helping him without some effort on his part!! Good Luck

Answer 3

Congrats, you did the right thing. Any kid who smokes weed, lies, cheats, and steals deserves to get the harshest treatment. Why? All those things go against God except the weed part. Plus, you offered to help him and he didnt want to change.

Answer 4

I'll give you my honest opinion.

I'm 15 and I have never smoked weed or stolen.

But I have lied. Not about anything major but we all do, lie.

ALOT of kids in my school and kids I know in general smoke weed and they mostly do it for either "fun" or because it takes the stress factor out of their life

I have no problem with people that smoke weed in moderation or do it for the stress factor reason, if it's every ONCE in a while.

Maybe he's not a conformist, maybe he doesn't know what he wants right now so he gets what he wants by his own rules.

Try talking to him if you see him again.

He's a kid, rather an almost-adult.

Everyone has their reasons.

But no, you aren't wrong.

Answer 5

I think your husband is wrong!

As difficult as it is for us as parents when we have problems with our kids, sometimes the only thing we can do is show them tough love!  Sometimes they need to hit bottom before they will pick themselves up!  It makes it even more difficult when you and his dad aren't playing on the same side.  It would make it a lot easier if you could agree to work together on this and have the same rules and conditions.  You son knows how to manipulate with things as they are now and since he has no respect for either of you he will play the game to get what he wants.

I don't envy you but I do think you did the right thing by kicking him out.

Answer 6

the only thing i can say is ..wow..u r his parents and constantly kicking him what did u do to him when he was younger what morals did u give him and became like this?the only thing u can do is a have a talk with him and ask him why he does all these stuff

Answer 7

I think you did the right thing. He is 19 he should start to grow up and take care of himself. I would talk to his father and advise him that he should try to get him to stop smoking and to start following the rules or get him some counseling.

Answer 8

You did the right thing. The kid is 19 years old, time for him to grow up. Talk to the Dad and try to convince him that by letting the kid live there he is just enabling him.

Answer 9

There is really no RIGHT or WRONG in this situation. You have to do what is right by you and his father obviously feels this is whats right. Unfortunately there is no *snapping out of* destructive behavior. There is realizing your on a destructive path and making a conscious effort to correct it, and at 19 most people feel invincible, like they can do no wrong. all you can do is be supportive, and protect yourself as much as you want to protect him.  

Answer 10

You are right.  Your son started to go down hill when he dropped out of high school.  Stand your ground and tell his father to do the same.  Most people have to hit rock bottom before they can pick themselves up and straighten up.

Answer 11

No it is just difficult to accept this. And realize that you have no control over your ex husbands actions so dont even think about those. Just try to keep busy and move on. Lets hope that he and his Dad will have a functional relationship that will get him his GED. One step at a time

Answer 12

well im glad he had his dad to turn to. Yea your tired and frusterated with his behavior but hes your son. Have you treid to get him help with his drug problem? I have someone very close to me hooked on weed and ive had to watch him battle with this addiction. Its the drug that takes all you ambition away. So hes smoking pot , having to steal money to buy his pot, hes lying about smoking pot. he needs help to break this cycle. dont just give up. what kind of message are you sending to your son? When the things get tough run away? try getting him help to quit the drugs first of all. Then the GED. One step at a time. its not to late for him. maybe both of you can attend some kind of counseling together. But please dont just give up and wait for  him to be taken away for you. Cause when hes locked up or worse your going to hate yourself for not tyring harder to help him. GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 13

If you both truly love your son you need to understand, all you are doing is ENABLING him to make these poor decisions. You need to cut him off and make him ask for HELP. Once he does this you need to HELP him not hurt him by enabling. He is old enough to be held responsible for his actions...make sure he DOES.

Answer 14

Not at all. You did the right thing. He needs a harsh wake-up call and you provided it. Too bad his dad can't see that.

Answer 15

You are not wrong.  Sometimes it takes tough love for a child to change.  He's 19 and he knows what he's doing is wrong.  Stick to your rules and let your husband know how you feel.  Ask your son if he's willing to talk to someone (like a counselor) about his behavior.

Answer 16

No you are not wrong.  If his father continues to enable him the behavior will continue.   As for the greater problem...You may need to take a look at what is missing from his life.  Friends in a positive atmosphere maybe?  I'd bet my last dollar that being a bud smoker is something he see as part of his identity and you may just have to ride this part of his life out.  You gotta protect yourself and love him at the same time but you may have to just pray he figures it out after a while.

Answer 17

No. I'm a great believer in tough love. The dad will cop on eventually.  

Answer 18

In most cases youth behavior depends on parents. Before giving up on him and pushing him to become a real junk, you could ask yourself and the father what went wrong. There may be a chance to fix it.

Answer 19

I think you are doing great with your son, you got to let these young people know if you dont follow my rules in my house then you got to go. You are only showing him tough love, because u know he can do better then what he is doing.

Answer 20

Wow. I'm just a year older than your son and I could never imagine acting like that! He needs a MAJOR wake up call. Sometimes kids like your son need a good dose of tough love. His dad is just being an enabler. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 21

Blame it on your self. What did you do when raising him, or where you even in your sons life when he was younger? If you were truly in his life you would have seen when he started doing drugs and failing in school. Don't throw him out like a dog just because you failed at being a parent.

Answer 22

You're not wrong. As long as your son has someone to fall back on, his behavior will continue. I strongly suggest talking this over with his father.  

Answer 23

I would NEVER kick

any of my children out.

Leaving your child out on the streets

is not the right thing to do, it could

make things even worse. Do you know how

many drug addicts and dealers are out there?

And you're already worried about him smoking weed.

Some tough love is okay, but he may feel abandoned

by his own mother. And you're right it is his dad's decision

to let him into his house. But this is just my opinion,

we all have different ways of raising our children. Good luck!

Answer 24

i believe you are doing the right decision

keep up wat you are doing i understand wat you

are trying to do ..your trying to show your son

to be a better person but if he doesnt want to

wat can you do

just pray and hopefully he will

turn to be a good kid!

good luck

Answer 25

I know exactly what your going through. My step brother is 18 and is going through the exact same thing. When he lived with us, he stole money from me and lived like a slob. His mother doesn't even want to take him in. We eventally kicked him out.

What we are trying to do is put him in a harbor house. What this does is take in kids/adults and help them get a good job and work on social skills and gives them an education. They can live their for a year and then their on their own. While they are there, they can be put into different groups that help them quite smoking and they can talk about their problems as well.

I'm really sorry for all the pain you've gone through and I hope this helps. Keep moving foward and I'm sure your son will start progressing.

Answer 26

No.  If more parents would adopt this type of attitude toward their children [instead of cushioning them every time they fall] more young adults would be more productive in society.  Parent's that don't adopt that type of attitude think they're doing their children a favor, but, in the long run, whose going to be there for them when their parents aren't around anymore...the government, jail, prison???