I refuse to call FMIL "mom". Does she have the right to be upset by this? ?

Question

Yesterday, FMIL told me that she would love it if I were to call her "mom". I told her quite honestly that I could not do that. One, it would not feel right to me because she is not my mom, she will be my mother-in-law. I told her it would make me feel uncomfortable and that it would feel like betraying my own mom and it would hurt my mom if I called someone else that and that it would be disrespectful to my mom. I also told her that I could never feel about anyone as I do my own mom and that I was not looking for a second mom. Well, she called my fiance last night and told him she was hurt and didn't understand my reluctance, that she called her MIL mom. I told FH his mom was trying to force herself on me and pointed out that it was easier for his mom to call her MIL mom because she grew up without a mother figure. I have a damned good mother figure and I will never view FMIL as my second mom. I am not gaining a mom, I am gaining a mother in law. FMIL did not carry me for 9 months, wipe my runny nose, clean up my vomit, change my diapers or share any other milestones with me. I am not really looking for a close relationship with her either. I don't understand her hurt and I don't get why she she can't see how it would make me and my mom feel to call someone else "mom".

Answer 1

You are overreacting.  You're right.  She's not your mom, she's your mother-in-law.  But, you're FMIL is looking to have a warm relationship with you and you're looking for an icy relationship with her.  And that is going to affect your marriage.  

Answer 2

I wouldn't.

I would refer to her as "Mrs. _______" and her husband, (father in law) as "Mr.________", if not refer to them by their first names, and just tell her (them) that you are flattered by their request, but would feel more comfortable calling them by __________.  

Answer 3

when you marry the person you love, you dont just marry them....you marry their whole family. I understand what you are saying, what i would suggest is to talk to your mother, she may not be as upset about it as you might think. I don't see it as dishonoring YOUR mother, but refusing to do it is a slap in the face of his mother. They want you to part of there family, your babies will be their grandkids, and they obivsuly care about you enough to want you to call them mom/dad. Do what you see is right though, if it feels wrong, then maybe work out a nickname or call her ma, or mum or somthing else?

Answer 4

I refuse to call me MIL Mom too!  I completely out right refuse!  I don't feel comfortable about it and I won't do it.  Yes, it caused a little drama and yes she was upset but she eventually got over it.  I think after a while she understood but was still hurt.  I call her by her first name.  You just have to explain to her that you  really don't feel comfortable doing it......... and after a while, it goes away.   My MIL hates her mother so I guess she really didn't understand the big deal.... but you need to stick to your guns and your FH needs to support you on it.  She'll get over it.  

Answer 5

what does your FH call your mom?  while there is nothing saying you have to call her mom, I think your explanation is a bit extreme.  Nobody is trying to replace your mother nor suggest they are your mother.  All you needed to do was say that you don't feel comfortable calling her mom and leave it at that.  What I think may have hurt her was the whole thing about it being disrespectful to your mom and that you could never feel about her the way you do your own mom.  She already knows this...its common sense, but the way you put it makes it sould like she is disrecpectful for asking and you sent her a huge slap in the face. I'm not sayign you should call her mom, but you should have been kinder about it.  When you get married, you marry the family, not just the person and calling her mom is more a sign you accept her and care about her more then it is thinking of her as a mom figure.  I also think if your mom would be hurt by you calling your MIL mom then there are some deeper issues.  She knows she is your mom and she knows how you feel about it and she should know you arent trying to replace her.

Answer 6

No she has no right at all to be upset. You have a mom and she is not it. I can't understand why she would be upset either. It's ridiculous. Just make it firm with her and get it across and explain it to her. Have your FH help you also. Good luck. :]

Answer 7

She should accept that you might not be comfortable calling her "Mom", so no, she doesn't have the right to be upset by that.

However, based on the reasons you give for not doing so I'm on her side. Rejecting one's family is not appropriate (there are times when it is necessary to cut off contact, but that is different), and you have said that you don't consider her family - a rejection if I ever heard one.

Answer 8

you have to get the stick out of your ***. they are your new adopted family. they are all now yours plus the ones you already have. no, you dont have to call her mom, but you dont need to be hurt by it. it is not a forced relationship. you marry the boy, you marry his family.

look- you are just acting out on how you were raised and what you believe in. they are doing the same. many people dont have a problem. my mom doesnt care if i call my wifes parents mom and dad, and they dont care the other way. just whatever works. i actually call them by their first names, but it will probably change when we have kids since they will all be grandparents and it wont be about me anymore.

im sure you are going to go through life not calling them mom and dad, but dont be so harsh on them. they are just being nice!

Answer 9

Holly h**l girl, you are really over thinking this whole thing. There is nothing wrong with having 2 moms. You can still like your mom better than his mom if that makes you feel more comfortable. Your FMIL not having a mother figure has nothing to do with anything. Just call her mom out of respect, if you have any.

Answer 10

I understand why you feel that way, trust me. But maybe you can do something else to show respect to her and to your mom ... use her last name when you refer to her as "Mother Smith," or some other respectful but sweet nickname.

It really is all depending on the family. Some families love to call each other "dad," "mom," even "bro" or "sis" after weddings, and frankly, you should consider yourself lucky that she even asked you to call her that. Look on this site at how many brides are hated by their FMILs and wish their man was an orphan. It might seem weird, but it could totally be worse!

But honestly, it does seem like you ... and your mom ... are a bit unreasonable about this. Will calling her "mom" or something similar really signal to your mom any disrespect or anything? I'm sure your mom knows how you feel about her, and your FMIL is just looking for something like that from you, to show that you care. Think about it. A little consideration for this might go a long way, and make this "forced" relationship seem more like one of choice. Remember, you're not just marrying him. You have to deal with her for the rest of your lives, too. Try to meet in the middle.

Answer 11

well i agree with you, i think they should be called whatever you are calling them now, it would be so embarrassing to start calling her mom just because you married her daughter, stand your ground on this one, i think its a case of one m.i.l making a fuss maybe because shes not the center of attention. just tell them your not doing it, end off.

Answer 12

I agree with you. You don't need to call her mom. This day in age it's very rare. None of my married friends call their in-laws mom and dad. Most refer to them by their first names. It sounds like you went into too much detail with her though. I would have handled it a little lighter and just said, "Oh, thanks, but I don't know if I would feel comfortable doing that. Maybe eventually. . . " Instead it sounds like you went off and insulted her. Too late now I guess. Just move on and do your best to not have to ever refer to her at all. I don't think my husband has ever had to refer to my mom directly in 10 years of marriage or he'll say, "Gina's Mom" or "Your Mom."

Answer 13

frankly my dear you sound like an overly spoiled only child.  If my son were to marry a young "lady" like yourself I'd have a funeral because I know that a female like that would do everything in her power to sever the relationship we have so she could have him to herself and be the boss.  

Thank goodness my son has more respect for himself and me (and his dad) than your future hubby has for his.

I would be happy if my FDIL were to call me mom but I wouldn't have kittens if she didn't as long as we got along and liked each other.  Nor would I have problems if my son called his FMIL mom.  I would hope that as mothers of these children we could get along and be friends not they type of  in-laws that compete to be the favorite or try to out do the other set of parents.

I'd almost be willing to bet that you're not willing to do any premarital counseling either are you?  Don't bother to answer because no one on this board would know if you were telling the truth and it's apparent that you like to have your way and don't like to be disagreed with.  

Answer 14

I don't think it's wrong for your future mother-in-law to ask you to call her "Mom". However, it seems weird to me that she's upset that you don't want to. Obviously you don't have to. You've already explained to her why you don't want to, and if she's still upset, there's not much you can do about it. She'll get over it soon enough anyway.

Answer 15

I can understand why you don't feel comfortable calling her mom - but is it really worth the argument? I am sure that your mother will understand that you sometimes have to make certain sacrifices in order to get along with future family members...including calling your FMIL "mom" Did your mom call her mother-in-law mom? No one is ever going to take your mom's place and I am sure that your FMIL knows that - but some people are really into what is considered "traditional"

I know that you feel you shouldn't have to give in - but in the end will it be worth all the fighting and hurt feelings? How many times do you actually address her by name anyway? For the sake of hurt feelings during the already stressful wedding planning it might just be better to give in for a while. The last thing you want is anyone to be upset or hold any grudges on your wedding day or during your wedding planning. It's just something to think about. In the end you need to do what is right for you.  

Answer 16

wow, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. i can understand that you dont want to call her mom but refusing to even try and like and get along with them doesnt say very much about you at all. there are many comparmises to be had in this situation but of course you are ALWAYS RIGHT and no one elses point of view matters

Answer 17

You do not need to see her as a second mother, but try and be nice in how you say that. Explain that mother-in-law is not a dirty word to you, and that you will still care for her for her relationship with you and your new family. You just already have someone you call "Mom", and you are not going to force it with another person. Try to avoid getting really defensive about it, don't call her mom but don't keep telling her that she isn't your mom. Even if you don't exactly feel that way, this is a good time to tell a little lie since even though she isn't your mom, you should try your best to have a decent relationship with her.  

Answer 18

Pity you didn't catch someone w/o a mother then you wouldn't be having this rant.  When my children marry their spouses can call me what they want (as long as it's not b*tch!).  I'm a nurturing person by nature and I tend to "mother" everybody.  It sounds like she wants to have a close relationship with you but you're out and out rejecting her which is hurting her feelings.  I can't say that I blame her.  Maybe she's a very controlling person and that's why - you didn't give us much information.  From what you wrote it sounds like she is welcoming you and trying to establish a close relationship.  Does she have any daughters?  You'll be the mother of her grandchildren and I for one hope this attitude towards her doesn't carry over to your children.  There are hundreds of brides whose MIL's don't want them to call them mom and try to break up the relationships.  Big deal she wasn't the one to wipe your nose, change your stinky diapers etc....  Can't you come up with a special name for her that you can both agree on?  I'm sure your FH would appreciate it and it wouldn't take anything away from your mother.

OOPS!!  After reading you second part all I can say is I sure do feel sorry for your in-laws.

Answer 19

I would take it as a sign that she really likes you and has truly 'adopted' you as her own child through your marriage.

I used to think it was weird when my mom called my dad's mom "mom" but I think it shows acceptance.  I know it will be weird for a looooong time calling her that, but you should try to keep the in-laws happy at all costs! :)  I know the in-laws will never measure up to your own true real family, but they're now you're adopted family, adopted through marriage, and you should eventually become comfortable calling her momma.

Answer 20

I'm going to acknowledge right away since I don't know you or your relationship with your FMIL that my advice might be way off, but here it goes.

From your question I would assume that her hurt actually comes from your resistance to develop a close relationship with her. Why would you push away someone that can become another loving, caring family member?

I'm not saying that you should call her mom, since it obviously draws up such negative feelings for you, but maybe theres a compromise somewhere. Also, just because you give someone else that title it doesn't lessen the relationship you have with your mother.

My FMIL and I have a great relationship, and I look forward to when I can call her mom. Not having any daughters (just 2 sons) she thinks of me as a surrogate daughter and I'm fine with that. My own mother, who I have an incredibly strong relationship with lives somewhat far away and it's nice having a mother figure nearby. My relationship with my FMIL doesn't affect my relationship with my Mother at all.  

Answer 21

i agree... she's not your mom why would you call her that?  your fiance should talk to her (since it soudns like you did already) and explain to her that she didn't have a mother figure so it was easy to take on her husbands mother as her "mom"... but that it would be disrespectful for you to do that.  it shouldn't be that hard to grasp... she's not your mom, don't call her that if you dont' want to.

Answer 22

Ah, gee.  It seems that you are intent on causing problems between you and your MIL.  

When you marry a guy, you marry his whole family.  You should think about that.

Answer 23

you need to do whatever makes you feel comfortable and nothing less! If you would not feel comfortable doing so, then you should not do itand your MIL need to be the one to workit out with herself. Dis she really think that by calling your FH, he would be able to do something about it? The fact that you told her that you were not comfortable with it and gave her valid resons why and she still chooses to make you feel guilty about it and/or still tries to force the issue just validates te point that you don't have a good enough relationship with her for you to give her such a title.. It is also hypocritical.. she wants you to have the respect for her to call her MOM, but she isn't respecting your choice as a grown woman to conduct your life the way you choose. I had a similar incident.. I didn't take my husbands last name (i hate the hyphen thing), but my in law family REFUSED to accept it and would flat out tell me they thought it was stupid.;.; They would always send me things (mail that would be addressed to just me, like shower invites and b-day cards) with my husbands last name on it.... After years of this i got fedup and finally set back the mail one day and wrote :addressee does not reside at adress".. when they questioned it  I simply said "jane smith does not live here. Jane Jones dos" They sorta got the point, and have finally started respecting MY CHOICE. Just stand your ground!!!

Answer 24

I don't see why this would hurt your mom because this is not done to say I have a new mom and forget the old.  and you answered your own question she is your mother by law.  So why can't you call her mom.  Now you have two moms one by birth and one by law.  It is a great thing to have her want you to call her that.  I don't know my mother in law she passed before I met my husband.  I am really close to my in laws and everyone always tells me she would have loved me and the kids and I wish I was able to have that relationship with her.  My husband's cousin is married and we are really close and she knew my mother in law and she as well tells me she was a great women.  I envy you I wish I had the chance to know my mother in law I wish she was here to meet my children.  But she lives through my husbands stories.  

Answer 25

I can kind of see both points here. Ok, so you don't want to call her Mom, you aren't comfortable with it. She may not be comfortable being called by her first name by someone she feels is the same age as her own kids and is a family member, Is there something else you would feel comfortable with that would make you both happy?

In her eyes, though I know you won't see it this way, offering you to call her Mom was a special way of not only showing acceptance of you and your relationship but also of welcoming you to the family. You hurt her deeply by throwing it back at her.

You mentioned step parents... I am a step Mother and since the girls were teenagers when we married I said they could continue using my first name. They had a Mother in the picture and I didn't want to usurp that in any way. Now that they both have children the older 4 yr old gets confused and instead of calling me 'Grandma Cory' she'll refer to be as just Cory because that's what she hears her Mother call me. I correct her because it's something I don't want is her calling me by my first name only.  So if this happens in the future with your MIL she will be furious with you for the first name reference and the past history with it.

You mentioned that your Mom calls her own MIL by her first name and everything is fine, well that may be because that's how they agreed to do it. Your grandmother may not have asked to be called Mom. We don't know, but it sounds like different situations that you are trying to apply the same solution to.

Sit down with FMIL and have a nice chat and try to explain yourself a bit less strongly and see if you can reach a compromise.  You say you don't want a close relationship with her, well dear, you are in for major problems down the line if you cut off all hopes of anything other than a bad relationship with her!

Answer 26

I call my mil mom and by her first name. I can see how you feel. But that's just me. But your fmil can't make you call her mom. That's a choice you make. Hope this helps.

good luck.  

Answer 27

Well, wow - you feel strongly about it.  I don't call my MIL Mom either, but my brother's wife does call my mother Mom.

Family Diplomacy 101:

It's a personal preference, just like what the kids call each each of the grandparents, based on your comfort level. I think that she was probably hurt by the whole 'betrayal' explanation, which does seem like a harsh rebuff to what was meant I think as a welcoming gesture.

I think it didn't need to be that harsh, you only needed to say "I just feel more comfortable calling you 'Susan'" or whatever her name is.  And that should have been the end of it.

As for not looking for a close relationship, if you're marrying her son you might want to get used to the idea of saying more than 'hi' and 'bye' since at some point you will be spending time with them.  If you take a resistant stance, you're going to give FH grief he doesn't need.

It seems like you already have a hostile opinion of the woman. I don't know if there is some reason to make her loathsome already, but if there isn't don't assume she's trying to usurp your mother's position in your life.

She knew your FH longer than you have... don't drive a wedge in there. It never comes out well.  

EDIT: Actually, some people DO call their stepparents Mom/Dad and are quite happy doing so when their real Mom or Dad is still in the picture!  Again - personal preference and the comfort level of all involved.

Answer 28

Hey, what's wrong with calling a step parent mom or dad?!  Especially if he or she was around from the very beginning.

And, it sounds like you have completely made up your mind, so why post a question shen you don't want other people's opinions?

Answer 29

Your FMIL can feel hurt if she wants to.  Nobody can control her feelings.  What she can't do is give you a hard time about this.

Sure, she would 'like' you to call her Mom.  You've already calmly explained why that doesn't work for you and that it is no disrespect to her.  She was out of line for whining to your FH.  

Now, the tone in your post suggests that either you are fuming mad, or that you have drawn a line in the sand,  Mad is OK - you'll get past it.  Line in the sand is not good.  This woman will be your MIL and you want to foster a good relationship with her.

All the detail about who called whom what really doesn't matter.  All that really matters is that YOU don't feel comfortable calling her Mom.,

Time to do a bit of fence mending.  Why not suggest to her that you call her Mama Ann (or whatever her first name is.)  Tell her she has an important place in your life and that of your future children (if that bit applies).  You want her to have an honorary label that cherishes the role but also allows you to be true to yourself.

And, for Pete's sake, stop asking everyone in your life.  It really didn't help things getting your own Mom stirred up.  YOU didn't feel comfortable.  It would have been appropriate to ask your Mom ONLY if you had decided you did want to call FMIL "Mom".

Answer 30

I call my MIL "mom" and she loves it.  I was calling her mom even before we were married.  It's not disrespectful to your mom.  Have you even asked your mom how she feels about it or are you just assuming that since you're uncomfortable with it that your mom would be insulted.  

A mom is not just someone who gives birth, wipes noses and reads you a bedtime story.  Maybe she feels she loves you like her own daughter and would like you to call her mom, have you considered that?

Do some soul searching before you talk to her again because I think you were a bit harsh.  You could have told her some other way...

Answer 31

I call my Future MiL "Momma G". Like you, I can't call her straight-up "mom" because that name is taken. Maybe talk to her about alternatives? Momma, Ma, Momma X (whatever inital works), Mom2, something cutesy but still endearing that you feel okay with. I also call my FMiL "Mog" which is an adaptation of Mother of the Groom and she gets a kick out of that. You don't have to call her anything you don't want to but make sure you talk it out and both decide on something that you both like.

Good luck!