I revised a poem how does it sound now please rate?

Question

Sleep walkin-by oliver

A little girl is walking through the wrold awake but not aware

seeing rape drugs but what should she care

things going on everyday she sees them but then she doesnt'

she sees the faces but not the person

pain is the normal in the world that is certain

parents thinkin that they are doing better for their children by raping

them at 5 or 15

all of teh children they just dream

they don't see what's being done

they see it but they don't read into to it

one day somewhere all the sleepwalkers are gonna see then believe for a better world

maybe just because of that little girl

Answer 1

it doesn't really make much sense because you've tried to make the sentences rhyme.

Poems do not have to rhyme ;)

i like some of your phrases though- they're really good, but what i would suggest is that you- or whoever wrote the poem- writes it how you feel- without rhyming, and just say it as it comes out, use the same phrases and style and trust me, it'll sound SO much better.

What you have is good though....

and for your efforts, here's a star :)

Answer 2

mmm..quite boring coz the lines are too long.

Answer 3

I think it reads like a poem.And thats unusual.It is hard though.And kind of part of me wants to dismiss it.But somehow it is true.Quite disturbing.