I revised my poem, please critique.?

Question

I just made a post a few hours ago with the original poem, but it's more likely that I get more people to view this if I made a new question

And again "Please nobody take my poems because I spent a lot of time on them, and I take pride in what I write. (Ideas usually come scarcely to me)"

Here's the original

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Open up your ears

And be silent tonight.

The things that will happen,

Will be a wonderful sight.

Listen to the drizzling rain.

Listen to the rustling trees.

Listen to the rippling wind.

These sounds will keep you at ease.

Watch the lightning.

And hear the thunder.

You'll be amazed and shocked,

And struck with wonder.

Listen to the drizzling rain.

The sound will keep you at ease.

There's always yoga or breathing,

Or a ball meant for squeezing.

But I prefer the thrill,

Of watching it all stand still.

Listen to the rustling trees.

The sound will keep you at ease.

Turn your television off.

Turn out all the lights.

Take a look out the window,

And view the beautiful sights.

Listen to the rippling wind.

The sound will keep you at ease.

First the sky lights up,

Mimicking colors of the day.

Then comes the thunder,

Vigorously clashing away.

The storm will keep you at ease.

I find this part of nature,

To be exceptionally beautiful.

The powerful sights and sounds,

Can be notably delightful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And here's the revised poem

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be silent tonight

Open up my ears

And be silent tonight. [(take out "And"?)]

Something exciting will happen,

It will be a wonderful sight.

Turn my television off.

Turn out all the lights.

Take a look outside my window,

And view the beautiful sights.

I listen to the rain,

It's tapping at my glass.

Watering all the dandelions

Sleeping in my grass.

Listen to the drizzling rain.

The sound will keep me at ease.

I listen to the trees,

Wind blowing the leaves with care.

Like the fingers of a prince,

Running through his beauty's hair.

Listen to the rustling trees,

The sound will keep me at ease.

I listen to the wind

Whistling over all the land.

Gently blowing, caressing my face,

Like a mothers warm calming hand.

Listen to the rippling wind

The sound will keep me at ease.

I watch the lightning pierce,

It's mimicking colors of day.

It's Like the shed of light I need

When I have lost my way.

Watch the dazzling lightning

The sight will keep me at ease

I hear the thunder booming,

It's shaking with brutality.

It's the only thing I need

To bring me back to reality.

Listen to the booming thunder [(I need a calm word instead of booming )]

The sound will keep me at ease

I find this part of nature,

To be especially beautiful. [(or insightful)]

The powerful sights and sounds,

Can be excitingly delightful.

Listen to the drizzling rain.

Listen to the rustling trees.

Listen to the rippling wind.

The storm will keep me at ease. [(or "this storm")]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

where I have [(these)], that's where I have questions that I need help with from you

I want to thank the people that answered on my last post, it helped me out a ridiculous amount. As you can see I basically changed my whole poem, but I like it better this way.

There are some parts that still sound a little iffy but I can't really change it without ruining it.

What are your feelings on my poem, and are there any words you would substitute to help me out any where?

I accept any and all criticism.

Answer 1

Your poetry is actually quite good. You really do not have to worry about someone stealing your work as it is "copy-written" as soon as it is posted on the web. I started writing poetry on poetry.com and quit when I found out they are nothing more than a scam. Google "Poetry Scams" you will get all the latest on this site. The best sites are free and do not solicit vanity books or give you false hopes about your poetry. There are many great sites that will give you honest feedback and have free courses to teach you to be more effective in writing poetry. My favorite is allpoetry.com.

Now back to your wonderful poem.

Your first two stanza are good but, you go from listening to seeing in the first; which is a little confusing in determining what your theme will be. The second still leaves me wondering where you are heading. Compare:

Heighten my senses,

no distractions this night,

something exiciting is happening,

fortunate, I bare witness,

this beautiful sight.

In darkness I reside,

myhome black as night,

outside my window,

a celestial performance

orchastrated for me,

a visual delight.

You could eliminate stanza 4, 6 and 8 because they summarize the preceding stanza. You are tring to justify what you have just written--you don't need to do that--it is good the way you wrote  the stanza.

I always enjoy poetry where the writer is expressing personal experience, emotion, or view. If you start in the first person stay in the first. Try not to be repetiive in the use of one word in each line of a stanza; such as your use of "listen", unless it is absolutely necessary to convey your thought. For example:

Your last stanza is like a summary. If I were writing it would be,

I am atune to the gentle sound of drizzling rain

causing a rustle of the trees,

as the wind rippples through the leaves,

the storm soothes  me, I am content.

Your own rewrite would be a lot different but, the closure would be more of feeling than of summary. I am not trying to tell you how to write, only, guide you in a direction where you can go from good to great in a very short period of time. You have the talent--now practice to gain experience, and never stop asking for critique. Accept critique as a learning experience you can accept or reject.

Normally when I write, I put my thoughts down, then look at the arrangement and flow. Then rewrite, repeat, rewrite, and repeat until I am satisfied with the result. Usually, this process takes me 20 minutes to 2 hours. The end result has to be what you like and what you are happy with publishing. You will develop your own unique style and become more confident the more you write. If I can be of further assistance please contact me. Good luck and best wishes on your continued success.

Mac McGovern

Answer 2

They are both wonderful. How didi you manage to come up with these? I write my own poetry too, and if it comes from the heart it's worth writing. Have you ever tried to write a poem for poetry.com? Give it a go, you'll never know.

You may find that years down the track you may actually want to publish them, so always put a copy write and sign each orgininal as the day may come, you just never know. Congrats on writing well.

Answer 3

Nice poet :P