I run an inhome daycare and I have been watching this 3.5 yr old girl for a year now.?

Question

At times, she will just not talk to me at all. Apparently, I am not the only one that she does this with (grandma, mom and dad). She comes in to the house very shyly and will never even say "hi" or anything. She does warm up after about 15 minutes and she plays well with the other kids. However, she has a very hard time expressing her feelings. If another kid makes her sad, she will just look all sad and maybe cry, but she will never tell me what happens. She just closes up and checks out. Even if I just ask her the simplest questions, she will give me a blank stare and not say anything. OK... it has been a year, she trust me, she likes coming to my house, I am never mean or yell at her... Why is she likes this... Her mom just says "she's crazy". Does anyone have any advise? How can I get this girl to express herself and talk to me? Thanks.

Answer 1

Might be autistic

Answer 2

Based on what you say, I'm going to make an assumption that she's not feeling very supported at home.   Her mom doesn't sound to be the kind of parent who is patient and tender to her daughter often.  There's a principle in child development called "Goodness of Fit."  Meaning, there's not really abuse or a crazy child it's just that the personality of the parents don't fit together.  Imagine calm, collected parents with a highly energetic, athletic kid.  Sure they love each other, but it's not a love based out of common interests.  

It's wonderful that you are sensitive to this girl and I think you are doing everything you can for her.  If she's having trouble expressing her emotions, I'd say that she is developing normally.  To support her emotional development, I'd read books to her based on emotions - stick with happy, mad, sad to begin with.   There are loads of emotions related books at the library. Then as you read the tried and true favorites, ask her questions, "How do you think X feels?  If no response, then support her with a choice - Do you think X feels happy or sad?  

I'm going with the diagnosis or suspect that she autism as she warms-up to the other kids quickly after arriving.  Shy does not equal autism.  There is a difference, especially when you add in a "She's crazy" comment from mom.  I'd also refrain from speaking to the mom about anything negative about the child's behavior.

Answer 3

Sounds like part of it has to do with her personality.  She has one of those slow to warm temperaments.  It takes her a few minutes to access the surroundings, and then she warms up to the situation.  As for holding in emotions, you cannot force her to be outward with them.  You can help her feel comfortable expressing them.  When she is sad, label that feeling.  I know you are sad.... when .... You can say, "You can talk to me when you are sad.  She may never want to talk to you about her feelings.  Just do not force her, try not to be too demanding with questions.

Answer 4

Tell the parents. This is not your issue,

Answer 5

Thank you for asking this question! I see the same traits in my nephew and niece and weswe's answer sounds dead on for them. I worry for them and the parents are unapproachable.

Autism had crossed my mind a few times, but the answers weswe gave are a much better fit.

I know I haven't really answered your question, but I want you to know it's helping others, too - you're not alone!

Answer 6

Any 3 year old does not have the capacity to explain to you what is going on with her... but, I certainly understand your concern, though.  If I were you I would try to form a close attachment relationship with her, not by talking, but by meeting her at her level.  I mean like sitting next to her and playing along side her (parallel play) if she is not ready to play with you.  I would go out of my way to include her in ways of "helping" me, like putting snack on the table, or by sitting next to me at circle time.

And, when she cries, comfort her, but don't pressure her to explain to you what happened.  That only adds more pressure.  Give her reassurance by handing her a tissue, or by patting her shoulder, or having her sit on your lap until she stops crying.  Watch her body language to see what she is comfortable with.

From all of my studies and experience with children in therapeutic preschool setting, I know that doing this will help the child.  The trusting relationship she builds with you will act as a buffer/protection for anything that is happening at home or somewhere not at school.

You sound like a very caring person. I think you have the ability to be there for this girl in a very special way.  I am glad she feels safe in your child care!

Answer 7

If the Mother is just saying her Daughter is crazy It sounds like there may be some problems at home. I say if you suspect anything going on bad in the home please know that it is your duty to call CPS on this and have them check it out. Also have the Mother consider having her referred to a therapist to have her checked out too. Making sure she is alright physically and mentally. I have a funny feeling something is not right in the home from the way you mention that Mother stating she is crazy. That just doesn't sound good to me.

I would continue to love this child, observe her, and even document things that happen and how she reacts. Sit with her and play and see if she will talk at all. Children this age do have a hard time expressing their feelings, but sometimes you can get some details out of what might be happening at home or elsewhere. Also keep a look out for suspicious marks on her if any. be aware if she doesn't like to be touched a certain way or the way she may react to certain level of noises or voice tones.

Answer 8

She might be a "selective mute". This is a disorder that comes from being really shy.In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders selective mutism is described as a rare psychological disorder in children. Children (and adults) with the disorder are fully capable of speech and understanding language, but fail to speak in certain social situations when it is expected of them. They function normally in other areas of behavior and learning, though appear severely withdrawn and some are unable to participate in group activities due to their extreme anxiety. It is like an extreme form of shyness, but the intensity and duration distinguish it. As an example, a child may be completely silent at school, for years at a time, but speak quite freely or even excessively at home.

Particularly in young children, selective mutism can sometimes be confused with an autism spectrum disorder, especially if the child acts particularly withdrawn around his or her diagnostician. Unfortunately, this can lead to incorrect treatment. The main difference between selective mutism and autism is that the selectively mute child can communicate normally when in a comfortable situation.

Selective mutism is usually characterised by the following:

Consistent failure to speak in specific social situations (in which there is an expectation for speaking, e.g., at school) despite speaking in other situations.

The disturbance interferes with educational or occupational achievement or with social communication.

The duration of the disturbance is at least 1 month (not limited to the first month of school).

The failure to speak is not due to a lack of knowledge of, or comfort with, the spoken language required in the social situation.

The disturbance is not better accounted for by a communication disorder (e.g., stuttering) and does not occur exclusively during the course of a pervasive developmental disorder, schizophrenia, or other psychotic disorder.

The former name elective mutism indicates a widespread misconception even among psychologists that selective mute people choose to be silent in certain situations, while the truth is that they are forced by their extreme anxiety to remain silent; despite their will to speak, they just cannot make any voice. To reflect the involuntary nature of this disorder, its name had been changed to selective mutism in 1994. However, misconceptions still prevail; for instance, the ABC News erroneously attributed the cause of selective mutism to trauma and described it as willful in a report dated May 26, 2005.[1]

The incidence of selective mutism is not certain. Due to the poor understanding of the general public on this condition, many cases are undiagnosed. Based on the number of reported cases, the figure is commonly estimated to be 1 in 1000. However, in a 2002 study in The Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, the figure has increased to 7 in 1000.

No single cause has been established, but there is some evidence that there is a hereditary component. Typical sufferers have some of the following traits, some of which are often perceived as rudeness [2]:

A difficulty in maintaining eye contact

A reluctance to smile and a tendency to have a blank facial expressions

Stiff, awkward body movements

Particular anxiety in situations where speech is normally expected (answering school registers, saying hello, goodbye, thank you, etc.)

A tendency to worry about things more than other people

A sensitivity to noise and crowds or crowded situations

Difficulty with verbal and non-verbal expression

Frequent temper tantrums at home

Fear of using public restrooms

Compulsive traits

Clinging behavior

My son's best friend in preschool was a selective mute. She  is in high school now and has lots of friends- but is still a quiet girl.  Try to accept her for who she is. Her mom is obviously not a professional in childcare- calling her little girl crazy!This little girl needs understanding not judgement!

Answer 9

If she is like this, think about talking to YOUR mom or any body who has children 3+. Hope I helped.

--Britz

Answer 10

Mother can take her to her school of residence and ask for a referral to be seen by a school psychologist.

Answer 11

i'm not an adult, im a teen so idk if i can help u too much, but it wasnt too long ago that i was 3. ok yea kinda, maybe a decade and a 1/2 or 2 decades, but still. well she might be struggling with some family problems. perhaps her friends at skool or her family dont treat her great. she also might be just rlly rlly shy and its just a phase that she will grow out of. she just needs support, love, and encouragement. the last thing she needs is pressure so don't like beg her to talk or anything. i also suggest a child therapist. there might be something uh...wats it called? psychological? or something like that. there might be something psychologically wrong with the little girl. so...good luck!

Answer 12

If her mom's response to this is truly "she's crazy" I have a feeling some of this girl's problems stem from her home life.  Are her parents together?  Does she have any older siblings?  When she plays with the other children, does she talk to them?  Does she play pretend?

I would see if I could get some cognitive testing done.  You can contact the local board of education about that.  Since you have several kids in the home, it may not be a bad idea to get all of them tested, as its very standard in most preschools.  In my son's preschool they checked hearing and vision, and did a basic wellness check.  The speech therapist also came out and talked with all the kids and cited any concerns.  From what you posted, I wonder if this girl can hear, and if she can talk.  If no one is interacting with her at home, she may be developmentally behind.  

Some other ways to get her to express herself could be art, playdoh, outside games, etc.  These things allow her to "talk" about what's going on, without really talking to you about it.  It works better with older children, but art therapy works well with this age.  Children intuitively understand that darker colors express anger or unhappiness, they can make sad faces, they can tell you about their picture (even if it looks nothing like what they say).  

Good luck!

Answer 13

There are some great answers on here.  Maybe her mother doesn't know what to do about it either and that's why she said or joked (I hope) that she's crazy.  Some children are very very shy and don't like to talk. I have a little boy who will talk very quietly to the other children but when I ask him something, he will practically tear up. I just keep encouraging and praising him and occasionally, he will even tell me something.  He told Santa when he visited that he wanted this for his sister and that for his mom and dad and Santa got the impression that he was very loving and compassionate. That was wonderful to hear because it is very hard to get to know shy children.  They need our extra tender loving care. The children who have no problem expressing themselves are naturally the ones we talk to -because they are talkign to YOU all the time! It's the shy ones we need to focus on at times and try our best to draw out.   What activities is she particularly interested in?  Does she loves princesses - Dora?  Do a project on that level and see if she opens up and gets excited about it.  Good luck - you sound like a wonderful caregiver - kudos to you!

Answer 14

Does the mother actually say "she's crazy"?  Maybe you could get a child therapist to come observe her and offer some insight.

Answer 15

I was a very shy toddler and so was my brother i barely talked till age 5. im not sure why,, but i never felt compfortable around anyone but my family. ( no matter how close i got to another person)

Answer 16

i dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 17

I own my own preschool and daycare so i understand your confusion. Its really hard to understand some children and others are so easy and predictable.   I often see that most of the time when children are like what you were explaining  its something going on at home.  Depending on parents living arragements or new siblings coming in to the house.  Sometimes it is something else like autism, there are different levels of it and she could be just sligthly autistic.  Hows her speech and hearing, maybe she doesnt hear you very well when you ask her questions and that may explain the blank stare.  Is she on medications like allergy meds.  they can sometimes make a child or anyone act differently.  if you think that she should be evaluated by a doctor you can mention it to the parent about seeing thier pediatrician. I do it often and most of the time i am on the money and the child can start getting help before entering big school.

Answer 18

You may try contacting the Early Childhood Intervention services in your area (if the parents agree).  I think she still qualifies; she hasn't turned four.  They can come in and check speech, motor, social, and cognitive skills.  A hearing test may  be an idea.  She may not be hearing you or others.  Has she had many ear infections?  Keep building trust with her.

Answer 19

My first question is what is her home life? Happy-go-lucky or a Dr. Phil show waiting to happen? Are her parents together or separated/divorced. From the info you gave, I think maybe she has had something traumatic happen and at her age obviously does not know how to deal with it. Is her mother as unconcerned as she seems? Maybe mom knows more than she is willing to divulge to you. This is a very "touchy" situation for you. Your care and concern are admirable, but you have a boundary. As a child care Teacher I have seen many many children who have had an unstable home-life and it carried over.

I would definitely do what the other person suggested...include her in any activity or situation where she can help you, play with her,  love on her & show positive attention. Essentially you are helping her to learn to trust, (an invaluable gift). Getting phychological help may backfire because as an inhome care giver versus a school,  you have boundries that you should not cross. That being said, I would call your local Dept of Human Svs, or otherwise and get professional advice. I would not surprise her parents with advice from an agency or call you made. I would definately include her and get her permission before following through with any assesments. Remember to C.Y.A. first and foremost. Is mom really oblivious or does she know something she does not want to share with you? I've seen it, and this could very well be the case.

My best advice is to show/give the child unconditional love and comfort, understanding care & concern, support & day-to-day stability. Speaking of trust, trust you instincts!!

Answer 20

We have a child like this that goes to our child care named "Sue".  Sue doesn't understand alot of things that her mother goes through and she often "cuts up" (won't get out of the car for school, throws a fit, etc)  She actually used to have to be taken out of the car by force to go to school or here.

But, as of late.. She may need to be edged along..  But, she eventually warms up.

If you are willing to invest a little extra time in this child, take her out with you.  Get her to talk to you a bit, connect with her.  Tell her about something bad that may have happened to you.  Get her maybe to start writing a journal or drawing a picture about how she feels.  Ask her why she feels this way.

The key is to kind of "get down on her level" and show her your common interest and personality.

You should break through eventually.

Most children are not "crazy", but the result of sad to say, bad parenting.  Children should not be slapped on medicaid and given a crazy check and doped up with medication.  It is usually parental origination of the problem and not a mental disorder at all.