I said beach formal, not beach bum!?

Question

Ladies,

I told my BM to wear a classic, solid black dress for the wedding. All iof my BM are in different states, so knee lenght solid black formal dress (with example pictures) was sent out. I told them to get any style that they would like and that feel confortable with... I figure, it would be easy for everyone and they can all match.

My fiance's relative "M" said that she has purchased a "comfortable" cotton eyelet dress for the wedding!!!!! that would be great for the beach. She even said that mi DSIL dress is very nice and formal and perhaos "too formal" for a the beach!!!

She also stated that both her parents have said that the dress is "cute" for the beach and confortable.

How do I approach this??. This is the problemm: "M" is my fiance's only cousing and she just got married a few weeks ago. She's very sensitive and also very self-councious and I do not want to offend her or ruffle any feathers the wrong way in the family. -continues-

Answer 1

Well, it's your wedding, and if you request something that isn't unreasonable, they should comply with your request.  It sounds like the girl is gonna get offended over anything no matter how it is said or put.  

I would simply ask her to e mail some pics of the dress and then tell her what you think without being rude.  If it's not formal enough or not what you had in mind, simply ask her if she could get something a little more like what you were thinking.  

If you feel you can't talk to her, ask your fiance to do it.  There are ways to let people know things without sounding like a b*tch.  When I got married, I specified hair, jewlery and whatever else I felt was important.  All my girls had the same dress, same shoes, because I wanted them to look uniform and I explained that to them. I wasn't rude about anything. And all of them did what I requested and there weren't any problems.   BUT people have to understand IT'S NOT THEIR DAY!  It's your day and the groom's day!  You should get what you want if you aren't being rude or unreasonable about it.  Don't be afraid.  They will walk all over you if you don't speak up.

Answer 2

There’s really no way to approach this without offending her.  This is your wedding, your day and everyone knows that pictures are important.  I would just politely tell her that while you want her to be comfortable at the wedding, is there any way that she can get a dress that is more aligned with the dresses the other BM’s will be wearing.

Also remember that aside from telling her that, there isn’t much you can do because she’s paying for her own dress.

Answer 3

Just be honest with her. Be as rude when adressing her as you are when answering questions here and it'll get the point across. Then she'll have to wear what you say.

Answer 4

I would tell her that the eyelet dress is very pretty and would be great for rehersal dinners and other wedding related events, but you really meant solid black and really want solid black. Tell the other ladies to stick to their solid black dresses. If she refuses, she will look very silly.

Answer 5

I'm with Tracey E on this one, when you dictate a certain mode of dressing for a wedding you must take into consideration exactly where the venue takes place...to expect the type of dresses that one wears at a formal 'indoor' wedding outside might not be practical........as pointed out high heels and sand do NOT mix, and to wear the proper foot gear for sand,well imagine sandals with a tuxedo.....'beach formal' is a bit more relaxed in it's look than indoor 'formal', the same dress/gown one would wear at the Starlight Room, in NYC just doesn't work with the sand & surf.....you should have researched more before telling your gals what they could wear, looks like the black eyelet gal did her research and came up with what is proper beach formal-if you had wanted something more indoor formal you should have been been more specific.....and she is correct in the other girls' dresses being a bit too formal for a beach setting......so the mistake is yours and when and if you approach her you must acknowlege that the breakdown in communicating exactly what you wanted is your bad.....good luck.

Edit; Nameless N, that suggestion cracks me up...jeeze, why not be as rude to her as you are when you answer questions here....at least it'll be in keeping with your moniker..'Blunt', right? lol......and yup, a cocktail dress & a classsic black dress are NOT the same thing....again you've miscommunicated.......and a cocktail dress will look like h@ll with sandals, flip-flops, & bare feet, and that is NOT formal footwear so if you truely want a formal look, the footwear must be formal too, heels for ladies, dress shoes for men.....NO sandals except dress sandals for the ladies-good luck walking in sand with those.....especially WET sand.... but hey, your wedding....and I'm being blunt, like you....so make sure you tell her her sloppy dress is not really appropriate...and please don;t forget the 'sloppy' part.......

Answer 6

Be up front with her and tell her that her choice although cute and comfy is not exactly what you had in mind.

It is after all your wedding and  guide her to an outfit that would better suit your occasion.

Remind her that all the other bridesmaids will be wearing more formal attire and that its what you prefer.

Tell her that you do not prefer a casual dress since it is a wedding and even though its on the beach you want a more elegant look. She might be naive and not have thought of that. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

you can start by saying..I'm sorry if i wasn't more descriptive...or gave you enough information as to what I wanted...this way you don't sound like you are attacking her. She shouldn't get offended.

Answer 7

Ask her to send you a pic of the dress.

Show it to your fiance and HIS mother. If they agree that it is an appropriate dress..let it GO!

If they agree that it is not an appropriate dress then you shuck up the extra $80 to buy her the dress that YOU want her to wear.

It sounds as if she is young and maybe not very sophisticated?  You thought enough of her to invite her to share an honor at your day.... trust a little.

And...regardless of how important it seems right now..in 5 years it will be a ridiculous memory that you are embarrassed that you got so upset over..really.

Answer 8

Its kind of hard to have a very formal beach wedding.  Beach Formal"

This suggests an elegant beach wedding -- so dress to impress, but also dress for the elements (sun, sand, and water). Anything you'd wear to a nice restaurant on a summer day is appropriate.

He should wear: A summer suit with a linen shirt (no ties required), linen pants or khakis, and sandals.

She should wear: A formal summer sundress at tea- or knee-length with flat sandals. Makeup and hair can be natural and everyday.

According to most definitions the one with the eyelet dress is actually beach formal, where as yor other bridesmaids are thinking just formal on the beach. Are you expecting them to wear heels walking in the sand down the beach, because sand and heels do not go well together.  You told them to wear a classic solid black dress.  Well she went and got a classic solid black dress that now you don't like.  If you wanted something in particular you should have gone and picked out a dress at davids bridal (they are all over) and told them to order that dress. When you leave the dress decision up to an individual they are going to wear what they feel comfortable in.

EDIT:

When you first posted it was a "classic, solid black dress", now you changed your description to add the word cocktail.  Honestly, if you wanted her to wear a certain dress you should have picked them out.  I would call her and explain the misunderstanding of your first description to her (it does not matter if you sent a picture or not) explain that you will gladly help cover the cost of the second dress.  When I say help I mean whatever she paid for the first dress you will contribute to the second one. I am sure there is a Davids Bridal around her, as they are all over, look online give her some style numbers to go try on and tell her to pick out of those ones. If you help her with the cost and give her options, I am sure there shouldn't be that many hard feelings.

I hope you didnt tell the guests beach formal. I would have just stated beach wedding, semi/formal attire requested. That way no one would be under dressed for the occasion, and women wouldn't be trying to walk on the beach in 3" heels.

Answer 9

THIS IS YOUR WEDDING!  I had a church wedding here and am planning a beach ceremony in Brazil for my husbands family and I want my beach wedding to be formal also, that to me is a wedding, the beach is a great romantic atmosphere but I still want to look like a princess on my wedding day not like I'm heading out to lay in the sun!

I'd tell your husband the situation and let him handle his family, if he has any idea how brides can get about their wedding, he'll nip it in the bud....LOL

Seriously though just tell him what the dress is going to be fpr everyone and tell him to explain it to his family, why does she want to be standing up in line looking like she doesn't belong there any way!

Answer 10

If you let people have free reign on what they deem as "comfortable and suitable", this problem is bound to crop up. I would approach it by saying, "that's a lovely dress for the evening, have you chosen the dress you will be wearing for the ceremony?" and show her a picture of a dress that the other bridesmaid has bought.

Answer 11

do you have pictures of the other dresses the girls are wearing???? i would send her the pictures and say this is what everyone is wearing in the wedding and seeing that they are all cocktail dresses id apprieate it if you could do the same so that they all match..... tell her you want a  formal wedding.... just because its on the beach does not mean it can not be formal... if she dosnt agree then she dosnt have to be in your wedding... good luck i had the same problem last year at my wedding that i ended up going out and picking out the dresses for everyone ... see what happens when you try to be nice??? good luck him congrats

Answer 12

Well sorry to say this and I know I'll get a bunch of thumbs down for it, but it needs to be said....this is YOUR fault.  What the heck is beach formal?  the 2 words don't even go together.  A beach is a place of swimsuits, shorts and sundresses, not fancy dresses.  If you wanted something that specific then you shouldn't have let them all choose their own dress.  Find a store like Davids Bridal or something with the dress you want and they can all go to the nearest one to try it on and buy it.  Now she has gone out and bought a dress that you haven't seen yet (by the sound of things) so if you want her in a different dress then I suggest you go out and buy it yourself.  You wont find a way to tell her without insulting her.  Also, I watch your spelling...I know my isn't at all the best, but your question was difficult to read with a million spelling mistakes.  I'm guessing this girl is your fiances COUSIN...not cousing.  and shes a Bridesmaid.

Answer 13

Have you seen a pic of the dress, if not... before stressing too much tell her that you'll have to see a pic or see the dress (is she lives locally) to ensure that it matches the others as you're afraid it may not and ask the following:

1. does it look like the sample pics you sent?

2. have her email you a picture of her wearing it immediately

Approach the situation once you see the pictures and hear back and tell her that it won't match the other bridesmaids and if possible get a pic from your other bridesmaids so she can find something similar.

Answer 14

Honestly.  Explain to her that this is "resort" wear and not "beach" attire.  Ask if she could wear that dress to the rehearsal, but look for something more appropriate for a resort formal wedding.

I'm with you black eyelet just sounds bad.  Is she out of state too or could you go shopping with her to pick out an appropriate dress?

Good luck.

Answer 15

This is tough, the problem is that everyone has their own interpretation of what they think is "formal" and "beach appropriate".  I'm learning that with my wedding too!  I think you are just going to have to gently tell her that while you think the dress she chose is great, it might not hurt to look for something a little more formal.  Maybe you or another bridesmaid or family member could go with her to help pick one out?  And she can wear the one she has for the rehearsal so she still gets to wear it.