I surrendered 2 daughters to adoption 40/39 yr ago .......?

Question

i wrote to the parents but they won't speak to me or tell the girls about me, what should i do now??

Answer 1

This girls would be of age by now you don’t have to go through their parents to contact them. Hire a private eye or a search Angel to help you. Since have the parents names and wrote them a letter do you know the girls names? If so you could try a people search. Put information on some adoption registries

FYI – Step parents are not the same as adoptive parents

Also I don’t think open adoption even existed 39 to 40 years ago. This was back in the times when most adoptions were kept hush hush. These girls might not even know they are adopted. If you have their names you could also try myspace

Answer 2

wait until the children are 18 and then try to contact them.

Unfortunatly now they are someone else's child and that someone else is doing what they feel is safe for their child.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry that your children were placed with such selfish adoptive parents.

I finally found my sister (also adopted at birth) - but after a lot of mucking around because her adoptive parents played similar games when I tried to contact them directly.

For the record - I wished and dreamed that my mother would come looking for me first - instead of me having to track down her. She was told that I wouldn't want to ever know her.

Fact - adoptees all wonder about where they have come from - one time or another.

It's a natural thing -something that should be expected - and something that should be encouraged.

Lies and secrets are all around adoption - and the misconceptions are HUGE.

Adoptees have two set of parents - and they should be allowed to know both sets - and love either - or none - if they so wish.

They are adults - for crying out loud.

And you have every right to try to track them down and see how they're doing.

Do not stop until you hear from them - and them alone.

If they don't want contact - they - as adults - can ask for their not to be contact.

Place your details here -

http://www.isrr.net/registration.shtml

And ask for support and searching ideas from these 2 sites

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://origins-usa.org/

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Poss. x*x

Answer 4

They're of legal age...approach them yourself.

Answer 5

They are of legal age.  You can try to contact them yourself.  I feel badly for you.  I have an adopted 17 year old son...I want him to meet his birthmother.  You are a brave woman...  :)

Answer 6

My friend has the same issue. First you have to abid by the orginial agreement made. Is it an open adoption? If not you may have to wait til the Child is 21 now. She can look for you at 18 though. Thats if they know about you. If probably is better if you do though because I never meet my father and then when I turned 21 he found me and I asked him why he waited so long and he said he didnt think a teenager can handle anymore drama or confusion in their life and he thought that I thought I had a different father. Meanwhile my mom always told me the truth. Never thought I would meet him though, but now everything is so normal. I am glad he didn`t find me sooner cause I had enough issues as a teenager! Anyway back to you..If I were you, I would call your agency. They will have more informations about your rights.. BUt if your children or of age then you have every right! Now check places like Myspace or hire a private investigator that specializes in that.Call the adoption agency. Call the parents adopted parents. are they together? or were they adopted separately? Look up their high school records and see if there is any forwarding information. Good Luck to you I hope that helps.

PS Your Daughters deserve to know the truth. You could be a grandma or Great grandma now! And what if they hate their new mom? Maybe they always sense they didnt belong. Trust me, when my dad found me, I finally could move over a hump in my life. They will understand, and if they do know about you they are probably wondering why you havent found them yet and they probably also have alot of questions!

Answer 7

You and your daughters are all adults now and have the freedom to speak with each other just as any other adults who live in a country with the right to freedom of association.

You do not need to seek a grown adult's parents nor have their approval or permission to speak to one another

I hope your daughters welcome you into their lives with open arms.  I know I would if you were my mother and so would my adoptive mother!  Shame on those adoptive parents for attempting to control their grown childrens' lives

If you need help with support and searching just contact me and I'd be more than happy to help

ps.  Don't pay any attention to anyone who tells you to leave well alone - they have no business saying that!  Remember there are thousands upon thousands of adoptees and first mothers out there trying to find each other.  If we all wanted to be left alone, we wouldn't be searching for each other now, would we.  People with alterior motives still want to control our lives and well, they just can't - we're adults now

Best of luck to you

Oh and Chowder?  You appear to be searching for someone in another question, are you sure you have the right to 'intrude' in her life? LOL

Answer 8

If you know the parents' names, are you able to find the daughters?  It sounds like you have a lot more to go on than many who begin searching for their family.  If you can find them, I would write them directly.  Be honest and open.  And be prepared for anything.  Different people will react differently to being located, and there is no way to predict how they will react.

But the adoptive parents should not be making the decision on whether you have contact with your daughters.  This is a decision that should be up to your daughters.  They can't make it if they don't know you are trying to reach them.  

I don't know how they felt, but one of the things I learned about my birth  mother was that she had tried, years ago, to contact me.  I would have been thrilled to have contact with her.  But the intermediary scared her off by telling her that a lot of children don't want contact with their birth parents.  I'm sure that's true, for some.  But it isn't up to anyone but the adoptee himself or herself to make that decision.  

Even if you can't find your daughters right away, don't give up.  You have quite a bit to go on, it sounds like.  Good luck!

Edit: Many of the answers (all of which seemed to pop up while I was writing my answer) here don't make sense.  The children are 40/39 years old.  Why are people suggesting she wait until they are 18?

Answer 9

leave them alone you didnt care about them 40 years ago why now? well at least to cared enough to adopt them out . leave them alone im shure that the parents they have is all they need ...

Answer 10

The only thing you can do is ask the adoptive parents to tell the girls about you. If they do not, you have to accept it, because it is not up to you. You have to go along with what the adoptive parents say. If they haven't told the girls about you, you have to respect that these parents haven't brought themselves to tell their kids that they were adopted. And that is a family issue and even though you're their biological mother, it is not your decision to make. If it were me, I would not want to cause a rift between a family because I want the kids to know about me. If they adopted them, you signed all rights over to them and you will just have to hope that the parents will be honest at some point with their girls and tell them the truth about how they came into their lives. And if not, be happy that your girls got such loving families that they have taken such good care of them when you could not. Good Luck.

Answer 11

the cognitive dissonance surrounding adoption triad relations is mind boggling.  in one vein, society tells young, unwed and poor  pregnant women to do the "loving thing" and surrender.  then when the firstmom wants a reunion, she is told "you GAVE him/her away, now leave him/her alone!"

grant it, not all firstmoms want nor are appropriate for reunions. but if you know the adoption history (especially some of the coercion that took place in the 60s) most would not easily default to the idea that all firstmoms just pushed the kid out and walked away.  many young pregnant women were sent to "homes for wayward girls", given no information about parenting options, made to labor alone in the dark, told to not talk to the father as to not upset his life, and not allowed to go home again without signing over her child. in other words, many had no choice.

it's a shame that we still feel that women should be punished by never being able to see the children they gave life to, just because they had non-socially sanctioned s*x.

i often wonder why many think it's so easy to give up a child. many surrendering mothers LOVE their children, just couldn't afford to take care of them, or were unmarried.  that doesn't mean they don't love them.

although i do support adoption, i also support reform which includes open records and reunions.

also, it would serve many posters well if they would simply read. these adoptees are NOT minor children, yet 39-40 years old.

to the OP:  i would work with a reunion service. many of them are very good at helping you work through the "muck" of reunions.

good luck.  i hope it all works out

Answer 12

Well, evidently they haven't been looking for you. I am sure they know they are adopted. At 39 and 40 years old if they haven't tried to contact you, they won't. My husband was adopted  and wants nothing to do with his birth mother.......he says the Mum  that adopted him is the only Mum in the whole world he will ever want or need.

Answer 13

Do you know their names? Check at sites like classmates.com  They are adults and have the right to decide about contact! Good luck!

Answer 14

You should think about the girls.  What would they go through if you came into their lives?  Would it mess them up emotionally?   Do they know they are adopted?   There are many questions to answer, but the main was is.  They have two parents, a mother and father, and I assume, are happy.

Maybe they now have siblings.  The parents probably have grandchildren.   Do you love these girls enough to detach from them and leave them to their lives?    Or are your needs what should come first.   I don't know why you gave them up for adoption, but you did.  Now they are adults, probably with children of their own.  IF, they contact you, after looking for you themselves, then that is a  different story, but now, I would put their best interests in the forefront, and that would mean leaving them alone.

Answer 15

LOOK FOR THEM....

I know how you feel, am in the situation myself, but I had to give them up, my sister in-law call CPS and accused me of child neglect!

She was just upset at me for putting her bother in jail, for abuse and drugs... she told me "she will make sure I would have a miserable life".

I was doing well with their requirement to prove them I was a fit parent but after the 9/11 I lost my Job... My Immigration status made me not to get my kids back because I couldn't prove I could support them.

I was never charge; they didn't have proof or evidence!

The kids where adopted, I gave them (the kids) a letter that I wrote and explain to them what happened and my situation, and to look for me when there 18yrs or to get ready because I was going to look for the at age 21.

Enough about me!

You need to hire a private detective!

Is never too late to look for them, they might have question.

The best place to start is at the agency. Many birth mothers will contact the agency looking for their child. In some states if both parties agree and affidavits are signed, then a reunification may take place.

Some states also have adoption registries. Check out the state where they were born. Call the National Adoption Hotline [phone]). You may also ask them if they can recommend a search support group in your area. Also, call Tapestry Books (800-765-2367) and order a free catalog of books for adoptees in search.

Answer 16

...all the answers you need are here. Some helpful, some not, but these are honest answers from real people and therefore - there is no perfect answer...

I think you should put your details,"out there". Then the clues are available to your adult birth-daughters if they want to chase it up.

Mm mm, do wonder why now when they are 39/40?

I suppose...why any age. But if they want to find you, good. If not, hey ho. Wish you luck x

Answer 17

the step parents have no say in this now,  chances are your daughters dont even know they were adopted,  I'd hire a p.i. to track them down,  or you can try to track them down yourself by using the Internet,  good luck and god bless with your search,

Answer 18

I would contact the Vital Statistics department in your state.  Also find out what the laws are in your state.  You might have to go through the agency/attorney to find them.  They are adults now.  The adoptive parents can't stop you from making contact.

Answer 19

Leave them alone.  You gave them up and it is up to the adoptive family to decide whether or not to tell the children about you.  Apparently they have chosen not to tell them.  Why would you want to find them now and upset their current lives?  If you are looking to find them to make yourself feel better about what you did that is selfish.

Answer 20

I'm sorry that your in this situation, my heart goes out to you.  If the adopted parents don't want you to have contact with them, there really isn't much you can do about it.  They are not required to give you this information.

Remember though that your adult children must want to seek you out, or you still may not be able to get in touch with them.  Since it will have to be up to them to seek you out, to want to find you to be able to have you in their lives.

See about having your name and number put on a locator's list with the adoption agency,  so that if your children wish to seek you out they will be able to find you easier.

Answer 21

As an adoptee I am shocked by alot of the answers. I know that I was adopted. And I am NOT interested in being contacted by my birth parents.

there are plenty of reunion sites out there. put your information on there and if the kids are interested in meeting you they will look for you. But to intrude on their life is not acceptable to me. You gave up that right when you put them up for adoption. They are no longer YOUR children. you will only cause pain and suffering in their lives by forcing yourself on them.

Answer 22

Do you know anything about them? You can hire a private detective if you have any information on them... The girls should be able to make the decision to meet you or not.