I think I messed up. Any advice?

Question

Ok so a little about us. We are both in our mid twenties, have been together 3yrs and living together 1.5 yrs. We've had a nice share of problems but we have always came out the fire together stronger than before. I've learned so many things about him since I've moved in. We love each other very much. Problem: a couple days ago we went pre-b day browsing for me(9/18) at a jewelry store for some watches. We ended up looking at wedding rings instead. No problem..til we got home that is. He started saying how he was ready to marry and i replied" I'm not ready for marriage, i think we need more time". i was just being honest. I'm terrified of marriage thanks to my mothers marriage. I've seen a nice "christian" man completely change into a possessive man. (ie. i was 12 when my step dad put a shotgun to my mothers head while she begged for mercy right in front of all 8 of her daughters......16 when he beat her blue and black, stripped her and send her outside in the snow with my 6 month sister and the fact that I've been raped helps none) How can i make him understand that i love him but is terrified. i just wanna little more time b4 that happens. he thinks i don't love or want him anymore. never meant to hurt his feelings and yes he knows of the previous events i mentioned. any advice?

Answer 1

If he knows of the events you mentioned, then he should understand your reluctance.

If he knows that and is still pushy... maybe try once to tell him (but in a peaceful way, absolutely zero drama, just normal conversation) that it's because of those events that you need more time. What I mean is, explain it to him clearly, directly, no subtle hints (subtle hints rarely if ever work on any man, myself included), just an explanation like a history lesson in school.

If he cannot understand that, well, he has a problem. After all, marriage is supposed to be a voluntary thing.

And early twenties means you both still have lots of time for marriage and everything else that goes with it, it's not like the clock is ticking like mad...

Answer 2

Everything in this question explains your hesitation when it comes to marriage. You have made it clear, and if he knows about all of this, then he should be understanding. Do you think you will ever want to marry? Do not lead him on if your dont think your willing to go all the way, that is not fair to him. But if you think you would at some point, there is nothing wrong with just waiting longer, or to appease him a little, have a looooong engagement- a step above BF and GF, but not marriage- yet!

Answer 3

What do you think living together is? Your his common law wife. Doesn't matter if your paper married. That does not define your relationship. You have been " married " to him for the last 1.5 years...and you have been doing just fine with it.

Just because you witnessed what one monster is like, does not mean that the man that you love will ever turn out to be that. I think as terrible as your childhood was, you need to get over it. You need to move on or else you may as well just call it quits. What happened in your childhood will remain in your childhood. You need to burry the scars. You need to start living in the present. You can not live like this anymore. You can not dwell on what happened to you 20 years ago. That was 20 years ago. Its time you let it go. And be in the here and now. And embrace what god is giving you now. Embrace the man that you are with and celebrate your life. If things are so wonderful right now...then keep it that.

Answer 4

AS a christian, I feel so bad for you. This must been a terrible childhood of h**l! I can see why you're not ready for marriage because you're scared like of your childhood and you're scared of getting heartbrokened or abuse. I say marry him (:

Answer 5

I will start by saying that I am not any kind of professional. Have you had any problems in the last year and a half? If not it is probably not going to happen. Go along for the engagement but tell him you want a June wedding. That gives you close to another year to see if he changes the longer you are together.

Good luck to you.  

Answer 6

I admire your courage to find the strength you have found to love someone so dearly after what you and your mother have experienced. I just hope you don't let a man who could love you and show you the proper way a man should love a woman get away. It is hard to commit to someone and trust them after you have been raped because your scared i know from personal experience. But you have moved on enough in your life to look past that and give someone a chance to love you. I don't think you messed up you were brave to tell him the truth you only want to make sure you are making the right decision and you will know if you are because if he truly loved you and he knows what you have been through he would wait for you.

Answer 7

You have some very legitimate reasons to question such a big commitment as marriage.  You have been emotionally scarred, and your instincts tell you to be cautious.

That said, I urge you and your gentleman to go to a good counselor so you can thoroughly work out your (and his?) issues.  These things you've told us are HUGE, and what you're experiencing now is just the tip of the iceberg.  

Tell him, in the kindest way possible, that this isn't about him - - - it's about you and that you need him to walk through this with you to the other side.  If he can't or won't, he's not husband material.  God bless you!

Answer 8

I don't mean to scare you but if he is not willing to wait then he is not the man for you.  Sounds like he is using a guilt trip on you to make you do what he want you to do.  That is a form of being controlling.  Don't let him force you into doing something you do not want to then he is no better than your step dad.  Talk to him tell him what you went through and that you need some time to think it out before you get married. If he doesn't understand or don't at least try to understand.  Bounce as quick as you can because that is the beginning of a problem.

Good luck.

Answer 9

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. How sad :(. But it's the now that you are at and being terrified is understandable. Being honest to him was the best thing you did - keep it that way... Tell him that you love him, assure him the best way you can.

Have a long heart to heart about your feelings. Btw, He's probably wanting and ready to marry you so that the life of h**l will never happen again... I feel that he loves you so much.

You must trust in God now and find HIM in your spouse-to-be... Your marriage life will be good and will get better as time goes by and the bad memories will eventually disintegrate as long as you fill both of your lives with LOVE.

Most importantly your love for him will overcome your fears.

Answer 10

his reaction is normal even if he knows your history because he loves you very much and he wants to take care of you.he thinks your trust for him is not that strong.don't worry he still understand and wants to fight the battle with you.life's worth living specially if you're with the one who loves you for who you are.

Answer 11

Just tell him what you just told us.

Answer 12

This is more terrifying for your boyfriend, than for you.

I'll tell you why.

He's taking the risk of walking on eggshells with you, fearing that any day, any wrong that he does might be used against him as something that is abusive and hurtful to you - when in fact it was never meant to be.

He's taking a big risk, knowing your history, to still ask you to marry him.

He's realizing that after a year and a half of living together - there's not much difference when you're married.

If you can meet him halfway and realize a few things yourself:

He's not your step-father.

He is your boyfriend, and EVEN more than that.

He's asking you to marry him after having been "fake married," for a year and a half already.  He's normal, isn't he?

If you're still fearful of what might happen, you can DEFINITELY count in him not waiting around for you to make up your mind.

If you want him, and you would like to get married someday but that fear paralyses you, then seek psychological help.  It isn't normal to have this fear for over 20 years since it happened.

Answer 13

you are right

you are not ready for marriage

i seriously doubt he is either

you for your past and inability to get over them

you shouldn't even bee dating

much less living together

you have to know the stats on people who live together before they get married and divorce, it generally does not work out, so they have much higher rates of divorce than those who do not live together before marriage

as for the Christan guy... well being Christan has nothing to do with it

in fact he was not Christan at all, he was some seriously insecure and messed up man, that all, religious affiliation has NOTHING to do with bad people, as there are bad Mormons, Jews, etc....

you have some growing to do, seeing how you cannot differentiate religion from bad associative behavior, and you hold on to your past and are insecure

Answer 14

how about you go out and buy two rings which will mean they are promise rings not to marry now but in the future some time, this will give him assurance you love him

Answer 15

Is he a Christian also?  If not, what are you worried about?

Answer 16

I think you should sit down and talk to him - even though he knows all this.  Maybe he doesn't know exactly how much effect it's had on you.  It makes perfect sense to me why you're scared.  Explain to him it's not that you don't want to EVER get married - just not now.

It might help if you see a counsellor too - just to get a bit of perspective because your past can affect your future.