I think my fiance might break up with me!?

Question

I’m getting married soon, I‘m 33, and my fiance is 36. My fiance told me yesterday that when he was 26, he got someone pregnant, but around the 6th or 7th month she went into early labor, and her baby was stillborn. I got mad at first because he never told me this and we've been together for 4 years (with one break in between), but then I realized how traumatic it must have been for him to lose a child that far into a pregnancy.

Yesterday he spent the night at his brothers house because we had a huge argument. Today, when I came home from work, he was packing his things in our room. He said he was going to stay with his brother for a while. I apologized to him, and asked him not to leave. He said he couldn't believe how insensitive I was about his past, and he needed sometime to think. I told him I would respect his decision, and I asked him how long he'd be gone, and he said he didn't know.

What do I do? I don't want him to leave me because of one lapse of judgment I had. I tried calling him, but his brother just answered, and said he wasn't home. I tried calling his cell twice, but he didn't answer.

Answer 1

There's more to this than he is telling. Trust me, if he wants to walk out because of one incident (however large or small) let him.

Let's just say you two were married. Let's say that as the years go by he gets fired or passed over for promotion, or has a car wreck or loses a golf game or your pipes break. Let's say a storm wipes out your house and all your stuff. Let's say the dog has cancer. Let's say he gets cancer.

Now, any one of these is a traumatic and horrible thing on it's own. Will he walk then? Or does it have to be about him, only?

Let him walk.

Answer 2

They say to let him go and if he is yours he will come back to you.  If not, then he never was.  I know it sucks and is hard, but maybe he needs time to think things through.  That's a pretty big secret to keep though.  Good luck.

Answer 3

For now, leave him alone. He obviously decided to keep it from you until HE was ready, not at your convenience. You blowing up on him was extremely insensitive, and I can understand his pain, perfectly.

Write him a letter, expressing your great sadness at his pain, and explain, with very careful wording, that your blowing up was really a mistake, absolutely the wrong reaction, and you truly regret it.

To those who think that keeping it from her for so long was wrong:

Until YOU have something deeply painful that happened to you, and are scared, angry, or just too sad to bring it up until you are good and ready, keep your traps shut because you obviously have no clue what it is like. Some of us need to have time to tell of our pain.

Thumbs down?

Got under some skin, huh? .He had every right not to say it and yes, I would be very hurt and angry if I my fiancee did the same after I told him something very similar. You should all be ashamed for judging someone who has been through h**l, and chose to avoid speaking about it.

Answer 4

He may not have told you because it is painful.  It may have been his baby's 10th birthday when the argument occurred and instead of getting comfort he got grief from you and it hurt. Call his cell and leave him an apologetic message. Tell him you are sorry for the things you said, that you were shocked and handled it all wrong and would like him to come home and talk to you about the baby.

Answer 5

RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!

He kept something THIS important from you, and instead of apologizing for taking four years to tell you that he was, at one point, technically a FATHER, he managed to turn it around and make YOU look like the bad guy??? This man is walking all over you, and you want him back??? He has major control issues!!! If you marry him, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of this kind of nonsense!! YOU did not have a "lapse of judgement" by getting upset that the man who you are planning to spend the rest of your life with kept something this big from you!! You're allowed to get upset about this!! You shouldn't be the one begging for forgiveness, because he's the one in the wrong! I would seriously reconsider marrying this man! He keeps things from you and then manages to manipulate you into feeling guilty that HE was dishonest - marrying him sounds like a terrible idea!

**Hmm... apparenly Dante misread my answer. You'll notice that I didn't say it was a red flag because he kept it from her, I said it's a red flag that he turned it around and got mad at HER for being upset that he never told her. He moved out of their house because she was, understandably, surprised and upset that it took him four years and engagement to tell her about this. It was totally unfair and wrong of him to twist the situation around and act like she's the one at fault. This man sounds manipulative and controlling. I stand by my answer 100%.

And for the record, I don't have a checklist for men; what I DO have is a happy, healthy marriage with a man who loves me and treats me with respect, and who would never threaten to leave me because I got upset about something he failed to tell me.

Answer 6

The firs responder is hilarious. RED FLAG! Cmon, honestly there are always things you dont know about your partner. And its not because they dont love you, or they were hiding it. I gues the first person has a checksheet she tells her partners to ensure she has everything out. That is such a huge deal that he lost a child that far along. Some guys might shrug it off and think nothing of it, but alot of guys would probably be wrecked and not wanna bring it up again. If a female was raped, and she still felt uneasy sharing that info, then i wouldnt hold it against her. If i love her why would i want her to relive or speak about something that is upsetting. If i were you id call and leave a message saying that you love him, and that subject wont be discussed again unless he feels comfortable doing so. Then i would let him have his time to think, and Im confident he will come back. And if he doesnt, he an idiot and not the right one.

Answer 7

I think you did your part. You were just reacting off of emotion. After all he did keep something very import from you what did he expect. Maybe he is still hurt about all this and the way you reacted opened up some buried feelings. I say give him sometime. I don't think this is anything to break up over if he does maybe there is another reason he doesn't want to be with you.

Answer 8

Did you over react?  At first, yeah but you came to your senses.  He's still reacting to your initial reaction, and now has his brother keeping you away from him.  His brother may actually think he is doing him a favor, I'll bet.

Was it a traumatic event in your fiancé's life? Yes it was, and still has lasting effects.  But now he's making it a trust issue.  He might have thought (because I don't know what he thinks)  that he's never given you any reason to doubt him and your initial reaction challenged his integrity.

If you can overcome, so can he.  If you're willing to see his perspective, he should be willing to listen to yours.  I believe in love forever and that anything in a relationship/soon to be a marriage can be worked out, but only if the two are willing to put out their best efforts with all sincerity.

Is he going to leave you?  God I hope not.  You've come a long way with this to let him go that easily.  If he loves you and deems his relationship with you worth it all, he'll come to his senses.  Good decent men always do after our temper tantrums.  Let him know you're sorry, but don't apologize profusely.  Remember, your initial reaction was valid.  Love is always about second chances.  Those who won't give a second chance can't forgive, and if (the metaphorical) you can't forgive, how can you expect to be forgiven.  If you think he deserves a second chance, so do you.

Answer 9

Give him a bit of space.  He clearly needs it.

If the two of you are meant for each other, he'll be back.  If not, it's better to know now than after you are married.

I know this sounds harsh and I'm sorry for that.

Answer 10

i can understand how hurt he is. i had a miscarriage and it's honestly the worst thing anyone could ever go through. get in touch with him somehow and let him know that you are very sorry and that although you don't know the pain he's feeling, you're there for him and will support him no matter what. it's odd that you didn't know this sooner, but i guess some people don't like talking about traumatic events. let him know that you'll give him time alone, and when he's ready, you'll be there. good luck.

please answer mine

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Answer 11

give him a few days. I can see where he is coming from and why he is upset.  but I can also see why you reacted the way you did, it was not something you were expecting to hear from him!!!  At the same time, your reaction may have made him feel like you didn't care about his feelings and that is VERY tough to lose a child

Give him a few days then try talkign to him explaining that it doesn't bother you, you understand that you went over the edge and upset him. etc etc.

I don't think he'll leave over this.  but give him a few days of space.  He needs to clear his head, It is obvious he is not only upset about your argument but he was clearly thinking about the baby there too.  maybe part of his mood right now is thinking about his baby and how he should be a dad right now etc etc.

If you told him you respect his decision and then are calling him all the time it looks like you aren't respecting him at all. Like i've said a few times now, give him some space for a few days.  maybe call his brother and see if he thinks he is ready to talk before actually calling him.  I know this is tough but pushing him too hard WILL push him away.

Good luck hun!

Answer 12

I think u both are over reacting... is was his past get over it just like he should get over the fact u got mad cause u said u are sorry. well honey i can't really give u an answer cause i don't know how the rest of the relationship is like. do u over react often? do u things similiar to this situation that upset him? most problems really have a root to them that envolves respect. maybe u both feel disrespected. So leave him alone today let him calm down then either tommorow or saturday go to his brother's place bring something he likes like cake or a cookie or a flower and give it to him. hug him and kiss him and tell him u missed him. then ask  what was wrong that u realized what u did wrong and that u are sorry. then explain to him why u reacted the way u did. then hear the man out. i think u both need to communicate better towards each other.