I think my marriage is in deep trouble. What are the telltale signs of a divorce?

Question

My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years. We have a 10-month-old baby who we absolutely adore.

Our relationship has always been kind of rocky, mostly because we have very different types of personalities and ways of seeing things, but we've somehow managed to make it work... until now. Ever since we had the baby, we've drifted apart more and more. At first we felt like a real family, but since I went back to work (when my baby turned 3 months), it's all gone downhill.

I feel like he doesn't help me at all and doesn't appreciate anything I do. I work full-time, I'm the primary bread-winner in our household, and I take care of the baby all the time when I'm home and manage to do housework (cleaning, dishes, etc.). My life is exhausting right now, and the constant fighting and bickering with my husband just doesn't help.

We've talked about our issues a million times, and then we make up for about a week or two, but eventually the apologies and "I love yous" wear thin and we get back to the fighting. I feel like separation and/or divorce may be the only alternative. We should probably try counseling first, but it'll probably only put a band-aid over something that's too badly broken to be repaired.

Does anyone have any REAL advice for a woman who would really want to make her marriage work, but doesn't know if she can?

Answer 1

You're young, you have a child, this is TOO common! A wonderful site with information that would greatly help you is marriagebuilders.com

It will help you understand your husband and yourself better. And if you can read with him, or at least discuss the ideas with him, it'll help him understand you too.

It is from Dr. Harley, who wrote "His Needs, Her Needs" and other great books. He talks about the love bank and love busters.

I seriously wish I had this information BEFORE my spouse cheated on me. My H and I always butted heads too. He was one of those people who is always right, no matter what. And he didn't even like the WORD compromise.

He is now so grateful for the things we've learned from Dr. Harley. It is guy and girl friendly. It is not about blame, but understanding.

There are so many people who have much worse situations than yours who have healed themselves and their marriage. Not to trivialize your struggles. I know yours are very real, very disheartening, and may feel hopeless. But there is so much hope! If you put in the time, you will reap the wonderful benefits. I wish you great success!

Answer 2

The telltale signs are things like the ones you mention in your details.  It seems you are very close to being fed up enough to want a divorce.  If you have tried talking to him about all this, yet you see no change in him.  In other words he makes no real effort to try.  Next step is either accepting it or leaving it.

Answer 3

If you two are serious about making it work see a counselor, they can be a good help at getting to the real reason(s) you are fighting.  He might be having feelings that are similar to your own, you never know until you try.

Answer 4

I am so sorry you are going through this.  Marriages can be hard work.  First off, I want to let you know, I have been married 10 years, my husband and I did not always get along as we do now. We had to put in alot of work to make our lives and our relationship what it is today.

My best advice to you would be talk to your husband. You BOTH need to just let the past go and move on.  Period. For anything to get better you need to let past upsets go. You have to decide to do that and he does too.

I think that the most important thing that turned us around, was learning to laugh.  

Work out a plan for chores so you don't feel overwhelmed when you get home. Stop throwing it at your husband that you are the primary bread winner (i am sure it's happend) and compliment him, treat him like a king. EVEN WHEN YOUR MAD, even when you can't stand him. Treat him extra nice. You have to understand, if you really love this man, and you know that he loves you. The rest is just junk. Its anger and its frustration, but it dosen't mean more than your love.  

Trust me, if you can just get through a month of treating him nicley, being calm and rational, not over thinking and stressing out. He will reciprocate and give you the same affection.  Then instead of falling back into the same old traps, just work through it. Laugh. And be the bigger person, say "honey, this is ridiculous, we love eachother." If he is the kind that needs time after an argument, give him the time, but come back in an hour with a fresh attitude and express your love for him. You only get one go round.   If you love this man, take the step to making it better. For yourself.

Answer 5

yes, I would imagine you ARE exhausted after only giving birth 3 months ago. Honestly, he should be the one out working and being the bread-winner. Perhaps it makes him feel useless........AS I^T SHOULD ! He needs to get up off that @$$ and get a job and support all of you.

Answer 6

First of all, know that you CAN do anything! 7 months of fighting is rough, but it does not have to equal the end of a marriage.

Second - give yourself a break, literally. Juggle your finances so that you can hire a cleaning service to take care of the major housework at least once a week. Hire a sitter (or have a family member take care of the baby) so you and your husband can go out alone. Do what it takes to make sure you have some dedicated 'me' time - even a couple hours once a week will help you feel less overwhelmed.

Third - don't underestimate counseling. You don't know if it will work until you try it. Just having an objective voice can help you distill what's really making you unhappy.

When you say that your husband doesn't help, is it that he doesn't do things EXACTLY the way you do them? Does he let things pile up and that makes you crazy? That's a smaller battle to pick. If you two can agree on a division of labor, you need to do that - and you need to not pick at him if he doesn't do it to your standard. I know it's hard, but you need to not do EVERYTHING so you don't tire yourself out for your baby.

Hang in there.