I think my mom is having an affair - what do I do?

Question

ok so i know my parents marriage has been on the rocks lately - my dad accuses my mom of having another guy on the side. well my mom and i are very close - we tell each other everything and spend so much time with each other - but lately she's been distant. i mean - she says she's goin to work but doesn't come home until like two or three or four in the morning. and she's been coming home from her day shift later and later. she's always tired. now i know that's doesn't mean that she's having an affair but her behavior is starting to change and i just thought i was being overly suspicous but - today she feel asleep with her phone in her hand. i figured she had been setting her alarm for the moring so i took the phone from her hand and was about to close it when a text message popped up. it was from this guy that i know that happens to be a friend of hers. well i know i shouldn't have but i did - i opend the message and read it. now it said stuff like "i miss you. i love you. good night.". not really incrimanating but i started to read the other messages between her and her friend. the messages said stuff like "i miss you. i love you. you're so caring and understanding. when can we try out that ky jelly? see we can both make each other happy...." blah blah blah. now to me - it seems like her friend - is more than a friend. but i have no idea what to do. should i talk to her about those messages? should i tell my dad about this? i'm 14 and the oldest of three (two little bros - ages 8 and 11) i don't want this to ruin our family but i can't go on knowing that my mom could possibly be lying to me and my dad. HELP ME PLEASE!

Answer 1

You have the right to ask her not to ruin your family.

Answer 2

Sweetheart, It is so wrong for you to be faced with this situation.  Life is not fair.  It never was, it never will be.  This is too heavy for you to carry around as a secret.

Your mother and father are human beings and have faults like everyone else.  Cheating in a marriage is wrong, but it sure happens often enough.  Don't place blame here.  You don't know all the details, or the story from both sides.  

Embarrassment is going to be the big issue here.  A 14 year old can't walk up and confront her mother about infidelity.  Do you have an aunt or uncle, or grandparents who can help?  Ideally, I think a related adult needs to let the parents know that one of the children is aware of the situation, and for the sake of the children, it needs to stop.  

If you don't have a relative, consider another adult to confide in.  You are too young to deal with this alone.

Answer 3

wow, you are in a hard place.

I would talk to your mom and tell her that you KNOW what is going on and you saw the messages. She might get mad at you for reading them but she cant say much considering she got busted. Tell her to talk to your dad and tell him what was going on.

Then the whole family needs to sit down and talk together about what the parents decision is to handle it.

If she doesnt tell your dad, than you will need to. Just say to him "dad, I dont want to get into the middle of this or discuss this but all Im gonna say is...you need to talk to mom, she has something she needs to tell you"

He deserves to know, he has the right to know. She is being very disrespectful to him, you, your siblings,herself and of course, God.

Marriage is sacred and should be respected.

Im sorry your going through this. Keep in mind that you didnt do anything wrong.  

Answer 4

do you think your dad has another gal on the side? maybe he pushed her to do this. i think you should sit down with her alone somewhere, and ask whats going on. tell her your not stupid and you want to know. she will probably say something like stay out of it or your too young to understand, but let her know how it is affecting you and your family and tell her you know, about the messages, and that the truth needs to come out, and that the parents need to deal with it.  

Answer 5

I think, you should talk to your mom as you know everything now from that messages...this is very critical situation ...so, try to be wise and talk to your mom first to clarify it.

Answer 6

If it were me in the situation I would talk to my mother. Then I would tell my father just so he knows.

Answer 7

this situation may hurt you but M.Y.O.B. if you tell your dad you are starting something maybe your mom is not ready to deal with.is she still your mom loving you there when you need her? if not then I am sure you can discuss this with her..she has her reasons and your job is to love her not to judge her or discuss with her, her decisions ,yes you seem very mature but even a adult should not go where you want to interfering will not save your family..loving both of your parents through this and not taking sides is the best thing you can do

Answer 8

You had no right to invade her privacy.  You have no right to tell your father or anyone else.  And you have no right to confront her.  You after all cannot be trusted to respect your own mother's privacy..  This is  why people should not snoop.  Under no circumstances tell your father.  people get killed every day for a lot less. If  this is a secret that  you feel you must talk about go to a counselor,  friend, or mother.  

If you have to share with a family member tell your mother, while you were sleep I snuck and read your text messages and I see ....what ever from that point.    Now bear in mind you may get the taste smacked out of your mouth.   Instead of it being her secret from your father it will be the two of you keeping a secret from your father.

Your mother is not required to tell you everything, you may be friends, but you are also her daughter. a child, and  not her ad visor.  You've put yourself in a very awkward situation.  As far as going on yes you will, go and be a good student, sister, friend, and daughter.  This stuff is not your business, and you  should talk to your mother since this is upsetting you so much.  In the future don't open the box.

Answer 9

Obviously something is going on and your home life may change. This can be a scary proposition.

Prepare yourself for what you see in your life now as possibly changing.

Your mom obviously is getting something in this relationship she doesn't have right now with your dad. Some marriages can survive infidelity if both partners are willing to see what is wrong between them and make changes.

I am not sure talking with her will help because you are her child and she is getting something she needs or thinks she needs.

You may want to suggest to your dad in getting the Dr. Phil;s book Relationship Rescue and see if this can open something up for him to bring back what this relationship needs. Its a very good book and saved my relationship. I think the work here needs to be done by him.

You may find going to him , not to discuss what you know but to help him figure out what he can try and do if saving this marriage is what he wants. Be supportive and loving to both of them and don't add to the confusion. Find others to talk with and share your feelings.

Answer 10

If you have a good relationship with your mother, then talk to her.  But don't reveal that you have read her messages.

If you are a catholic, then talking to your pastor or to the parish priest might help too.

Don't make any drastic moves.  Talk to your mother, don't accuse her, she might have reasons for going that way, which she might or might reveal to you.  Open talking.

Last resort is to reveal it to your father.

I will pray for you, my little friend.

May god show you the right path to take and clear away the troubles to you and to your family.

Answer 11

just to be on the safe side talk to your mom. remind her that you guys are close and not to lie. be as honest as you can. look into her eyes if she cant do the same then something must be up. but you know your mom well then anyone else. so if you feel she's lying then maybe tell her about the text messages and see where that goes. I hope you and your love ones the best. praying doesn't hurt neither. God Bless.

Answer 12

my honest advice...... talk to a counselor in school, or your priest or something. maybe one of your friends moms that your mom doesn't know.

also, tell your mom that you know about this and she needs to do something about it... that is very unfair on your family :[

Answer 13

Ur mom has the right to be happy as much as any other being on this planet. U should not interfere in her personal life. Like u said their marriage is on the rocks then what do u care if ur mom has an affair or not. Instead u should tell ur mom that u are by her side and always wish the best for her happiness instead of contemplating to sneak it to ur dad. She is a big women and she can decide for herself. Moreover if u preach ur mom do u think she's gonna listen to u? lol

Answer 14

sweetie..you need to talk to a trusted friend..maybe your pastor or school counselor..and I would talk to your mom and tell her you know about it and its too heavy a load for you to carry.  She needs to come out and tell your dad and stop this immoral behavior..tell her if she doesnt tell him you will...its harsh but she is being very unfair to you and your dad...He could get a disease or even worse...Good luck to you...and I would take her with you to the counselor..ask the counselor to call her in...the office.

Answer 15

If u r father is treating her badly then she has right to live happily ,then talk to u r mother clear the things , and if she is serious about this mystery guy encourage her  to tell  this thing to your  father , and if u r father is not treating her badly ask her  why she is doing this , ask her is she  willing to resolve the matter and forget about this guy . Tell her that the kids future is on stake she is not single anymore so she has to consider their future also  . You r very sensible for your age Best of luck.

Answer 16

You're only 14 but with all the right reason to be concerned. She is your mother. Talk to her and be honest about your feelings about what you just learned. IF this was the reason of their shaky marriage then both of your parents need to decide and talk. This isn't healthy for your entire family. Obviously, this is more than friendship. If she is honest to herself, she will tell you the truth.

Answer 17

first , keep it with you and then go find out that prove it make sure its not just your thought ,then talk to her,and lister to her what going on? and why she did that?,she might not happy with your Dad like other couple ,make sure you are not going to make mistake to bring this into you are family,,and 1 more thing u just a kid alot stuff you don;t understand of marriage even you parent  okey,?,  just calm down and everythig gonna be okey

Answer 18

Love you Mother for who she is, love your Dad for who he is, but understand that they are individual people just like you and I are individual people.  Your Mom seems to have found someone else that makes her happy.  Tell her that you love her and that you'll keep loving her even if she has found someone else, but tell her she needs to be honest or she risks breaking the family apart.  The lies and deception are worse than the affair!  Try it out hopefully you can all work through this and remain a family, even if your parents are apart.

Answer 19

You should talk to your mother first to see what she has to say for herself. Your father DOES deserve to know, though.

If your mother gets nasty with you, tell your father to check her cell phone and that she's a lying, cheating w***e. That's what I really think she deserves.

Answer 20

confront her with understanding and ask her to make you understand of her decisions... and what are her plans for you and your brothers if not for your dad.

Answer 21

you don't sound like a kid writing this

Answer 22

wow i thought you were an adult. you are very mature and sensible for your age. anyway, it sounds like your mom is cheating. you should talk to her about it and how it is affecting you.  

Answer 23

Tell your mother you read her text messages and try to get her to talk.  This is not about you and it's not your story to tell, so do not tell your father.  It's between the two of them, not you.

Answer 24

talk to your mom i wouldnt tell your dad thats your moms place